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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone please tell me why I'm feeling like this?

17 replies

Cassie2030 · 23/01/2023 12:24

Hi Everyone,
I'm going to try and explain this the best way I can but I apologise in advance if I'm a bit all over the place.
So me and my ex are living together and we've been apart for the last 10 months. Our relationship was for 7 years and were meant to be getting married. We're trying to sell the house and the reason we broke up was because of the following:

  • Changed his mind 4 times about our relationship and whether he wanted to marry me/have kids.
  • Talking to random girls on social media , following/liking profiles and pics even though I asked him to stop and explained how it made me feel.
  • Always critical of things I did , calling me stupid and I need to think more.
  • Made me feel not good enough.
  • Never happy with our life - house , dog etc
  • Always snappy and angry

I'm currently on meds due to my anxiety and my depression is getting worse. I feel lost with life and don't even know where to start to re-build it until the house is sold.

He's been so up and down with me the last 10 months - nasty, nice and now he's trying for us to get back together. I've been so adamant that I'm not getting back with him but over the last few days I feel like I'm starting to cave. I still love him but things don't feel the same anymore - he's offering marriage and kids, everything I want. I think maybe I can get that feeling back if I let him in and give him the chance? But I'm also terrified of getting hurt again after making so much progress. He keeps hugging me , trying to kiss me - it doesn't feel right but maybe it's because I'm so shut off? He comes in to cuddle me in bed but I just freeze.

Even after everything he's done he still blames me for being part of it, maybe he's right? Maybe I wasn't around enough (even though I'm sure I was). Maybe I did do stupid stuff for him to be angry at me. He says he wasn't happy with life in general which is why he was like he was - that he took it out on me and that's why he changed his mind so many times.

I just can't get rid of the anger to move on but yet I'm contemplating giving in?
Everyday he asks me if I still love him - why won't I give him the chance.
How many more chances do I give?

Please can someone try and help me shed some light on why I'm feeling like this.

OP posts:
LittleLillie · 23/01/2023 12:34

OP I remember all of your previous threads.

He treated you appallingly, if you go back this will be your life forever.

You need to find a way to stop living together, you’re causing yourself more damage and he is manipulating you. I really feel like your mental health with improve once you’re away from him.

WinterFoxes · 23/01/2023 12:41

You feel this way because he is promising to give you what you really want and thought you were going to have in the relationship.
But his promise is a lie. Read up on the sunken costs fallacy and remind yourself where you really stand by saying to yourself: Wouldn't it be lovely if he meant it but he doesn't. If I fall for it again, more fool me because he'll get cold feet and mess me around again. I do want these things, so I will look for them elsewhere, with a man I can trust.

Onthenextcourt67 · 23/01/2023 12:46

Please stay strong and remove yourself from this man’s reach op. You deserve so much more. Cold turkey is the way to go. He has told you who he is through his words and actions.

He wants you now because you made up your mind to go. That’s a classic abuser tactic I’m afraid. This is all about power games for him. I would have been out of there the first time he looked at another girl or called me stupid.

Dodecaheidyin · 23/01/2023 12:52

How many more chances do I give?

None. Look how many chances you've given him already and look how he is still treating you and how that is making you feel. He will never behave any differently towards you, until it gets worse. It's this or worse, that is your option.

You're feeling like this because abuse is designed to be a headfuck (and the rest) for the victim. None of this is your doing, he is choosing to abuse you. He knows what he's doing. Every single thing he does is for a reason, no matter how innocent he can make it look.

Once you are apart from him you will start to improve.

Have you been in touch with Women's Aid?

Who is in charge of the house sale? Is it being actively marketed, have you had any viewers? I ask because I fear he may be stalling things to keep you where he wants you ...

museumum · 23/01/2023 13:06

Ten months sharing a house and a BED while 'split up'??!!!!
That's not right, no wonder your head is all over the place, you need space.

Has your house been on the market for ten months? what's wrong with it? why isn't it selling? You need to properly get away and be apart.

KateBalesCardi · 23/01/2023 13:07

You're feeling like this because his strategy is working! If he really wanted to offer you marriage/kids/commitment/fidelity he would have done it in the first place and now he's just telling you what he knows you want to hear.

How will you feel if you get back with him and he reverts to his old behaviour? Will you have the strength to go through all this again? Or will you accept his meagre offerings (no security, maybe no kids, talking to other women again) because it's too hard to split again? He is essentially trying to break your will/spirit and train you to accept being treated like crap, if he can get you to cave this time he knows he can do it again when he shits on you the next time.

What's happening with the house sale, are you getting viewings but no offers? Ideally you need to get out of there so you can breath and be allowed to work out how you actually feel without him dripping his influence in your ear constantly but I know it's not that simple. You definitely need to find a way to protect yourself emotionally even if you can't leave though, can you at least spend as little time at home as possible? Avoidance and the Grey Rock technique would probably be my strategy in your shoes but even that will be hard on you, do you have family and friends locally to support you?

Original poster
Cassie2030 · 23/01/2023 13:26

@museumum We're sleeping in separate beds but he'll come in my room to hug me. The house has been up for 6 months - viewings have started to come through again but due to the market etc it's been tough. Estate agents have said it should start to pick up again

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 16:23

You feel this way because at some point, you were conditioned to understand that love feels like dismissing your own feelings of discomfort for either someone else's good, or for the good of the atmosphere of the household.

What was the atmosphere like at home when you were a child? Were you taught to put your feelings first and to remove yourself from situations you found difficult, or did you have to suffer in silence, either in general, or regarding any particular issue?

Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 16:24

he'll come in my room to hug me

Why don't you tell him to leave, and refuse his hugs?

Comedycook · 23/01/2023 16:24

Honestly, my first thought...he's after a shag

Original poster
Cassie2030 · 23/01/2023 17:38

@Watchkeys i can’t explain it but he’s been so extreme from one to the other I’m scared of upsetting him and him being nasty again. I just freeze

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 23/01/2023 17:44

Cassie2030 · 23/01/2023 17:38

@Watchkeys i can’t explain it but he’s been so extreme from one to the other I’m scared of upsetting him and him being nasty again. I just freeze

OP your answer is right in this sentence.

ShakespearesBlister · 23/01/2023 17:50

Cassie2030 · 23/01/2023 17:38

@Watchkeys i can’t explain it but he’s been so extreme from one to the other I’m scared of upsetting him and him being nasty again. I just freeze

Love doesn't feel like walking on eggshells and being scared of people. You know that really x

Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 17:53

Cassie2030 · 23/01/2023 17:38

@Watchkeys i can’t explain it but he’s been so extreme from one to the other I’m scared of upsetting him and him being nasty again. I just freeze

OK. SO, if you're thinking of caving in, try to think about whether this is what you want for the rest of your life. This fear.

Looking after you is your responsibility. You are the one who has to put yourself in situations/around people who make you feel nice, or your life won't be nice.

I suspect that your feelings weren't looked after as a child, and you've had to minimise negative feelings to stay on someone's good side, or to keep the peace. You don't have to do that any more. As a child, you were not able to walk away, so you had to respond that way. You have other options now. The child is still inside you, still not being heard. Listen to her, finally. She knows this isn't right. Once you respect her, you will respect yourself, and your whole life will change.

Annabananna1 · 23/01/2023 18:13

You need to get out of this living situation even temporarily. While he's on this mind fuck initiative. Go stay with family or friend or just somewhere else for a couple of weeks at least. You don't need his pestering, insincere bullshit

Nixynic · 23/01/2023 18:28

Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 17:53

OK. SO, if you're thinking of caving in, try to think about whether this is what you want for the rest of your life. This fear.

Looking after you is your responsibility. You are the one who has to put yourself in situations/around people who make you feel nice, or your life won't be nice.

I suspect that your feelings weren't looked after as a child, and you've had to minimise negative feelings to stay on someone's good side, or to keep the peace. You don't have to do that any more. As a child, you were not able to walk away, so you had to respond that way. You have other options now. The child is still inside you, still not being heard. Listen to her, finally. She knows this isn't right. Once you respect her, you will respect yourself, and your whole life will change.

Show quote history

@Watchkeys thank you for writing this. I just read your comment several times and it was honestly a lightbulb moment for me reflecting on my childhood and realising why I behave in relationships as an adult as I do! It’s really great advice. (Sorry OP to jump on your post)

Watchkeys · 23/01/2023 18:38

@Nixynic

Glad it helped. Same for me when I realised. Life changing. Hope it helps OP too.

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