My mum lives near me and always knows where I am if I’m not in!

[Allgoodthings1]

My mum is great in so many ways, really helpful, great at babysitting my son etc but she is almost controlling in how overly involved she is in where I’m going all the time. If I have an appointment booked for something I don’t necessarily want to give her details of and ask for childcare I find myself making up another excuse. She’s watching my son a day this week anyway but I have an appointment (none of her business again) but I’m already assuming she will drive past my house and see my car is gone or turn up and ask where I was or something. I then have to make up an excuse. It’s too much! I had an appointment for a smear test the other week and told her I had a doctor’s appointment, then felt I had to make up a different thing it was for rather than give details and she made a comment about not believing it. People are allowed to go places without giving you every detail! Are most mums that live close by as nosey as this? 🙈

Why on Earth would you lie about a smear test?!

If you’re going to ask her for childcare, I think it’s fair enough if she asks why you need it/where you’ll be going. If you don’t want to share that info (as is your right) then pay someone else for childcare.

If she’s that intrusive - pull back form using her for childcare

you can’t have it both ways

That's ridiculous! My mum lives a 2 min walk away she never comments on where I am

It's your mum. She raised you and loves you and doesn't seem to be doing anything outrageous by showing an interest in your life. I assume you chose to live near her?

@mycatsanutter that sounds like the dream! I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes for her asking where I am 🙈 My sister says she’s the exact same with her. It was obviously easier before I had a child and needed someone to watch him but even then she would question where I was going if she passed the car etc

@HundredMilesAnHour If it was purely in a supportive way that wouldn’t be so bad but she’s very judgey and shares everything with my dad so it’s easier just to not tell her things sometimes

Use her for childcare or don't, your choice.

Why not just tell the truth.

If someone acted cagey towards me, I'd be wondering why too. Your fibbing is only making her more suspicious I bet😅 Think you might need to sit down and talk about your boundaries regarding your whereabouts.

My mum lives next door and I always tell her briefly where I'm going. I don't go into huge detail just that I'm going shopping, we are going out for the evening with friends etc. I don't keep secrets from her. Perhaps you are making her more curious by being so secretive? She's your mum not some random stranger.

I don't understand why you couldn't just say you'd gone for a smear test? You're doing a responsible thing, what's wrong with that?

@HundredMilesAnHour It’s a private thing so I don’t feel like I should have to share details of my doctor’s appointments with her, I don’t ask her where she is or for any details of hers

Unfortunately I think if someone's doing free childcare it's fair enough for them ask where you'll be. I cousins imagine asking without volunteering why I'd need it though.

Lying is only making the situation worse. Mum's can often tell when their kids are lying. It's probably making her both more inquisitive and more likely to talk about you.

Is it the end of the world if your dad knows you're having a smear test?

I think if you've stuff you want to do that you don't want to share you need to either take your kids or find another option. You can do more than you think, I've had a smear whilst holding a baby, and an examination behind a curtain with a double buggy on the other side, kids strapped in watching cbeebies on my phone. None of it's ideal of course, but you can muddle through.

This. Easier than making up lies. Or just say, it's personal I don't want to discuss it.

I think it's fine to be more distant if you don't live close and don't use her time for childcare, I think if you lived further away then these things wouldn't arise so much, but if you are popping in and out once or twice a week, I would think things come up naturally in conversation. That said, I tell my mum everything and my mum tells me everything about things like appointments, so it would be weird to me to try to avoid these things. I think it's always difficult when you live close, plus if you wanted her to do childcare it would be really strange to hide why you needed it. I don't know, I suppose she doesn't know when to ask and when not.

I get you OP. I have an extremely intrusive family member too. They want to know the minutiae of everything so they can be in control and it's wearing.

An example would be the alarm battery running low.
Them: Why is it making that noise?
Me: The battery is low
Them: Well, call someone out to look at it (As though without the prompting it wouldn't occur to me to get it looked at)
Me: I have
Them: How much will it cost? (They want to know so they can gasp at how much and how they can get me a much better price elsewhere)
Me: I don't know yet (I use the same guy who installed it so I know he will be reasonable)
Them: When did you last have the battery changed, how long should it last?
I was getting annoyed at this point and just walked away and ignored the question.

But it's the same with going out.

I get asked where I went, how long I stayed for, who was there, what time I got back home etc.

If I don't immediately answer the phone I get a tirade of questions. One memorable time I was asked why I didn't pick up. I said I was busy. Busy doing what, what could be so important that I couldn't pick up the phone? Taking a shit, I said in exasperation, is that a good enough reason to not attend to your call?

It's 100% about control.

I don't know where my adult daughter is half the time, and she still lives here!

@Lambtales glad you get it! That sounds very draining! I feel like because she does me a favour sometimes it then makes her behaviour okay and I’ve probably painted it in this post as she’s just asking where I’m going if I’m asking her to babysit but it’s literally 24/7. My sister says the same thing and lives on her street. She gets a message if she drives out her driveway saying ‘where are you going?’. People are allowed to live their own lives without brushing it off as ‘oh she’s your mum’. If you husband behaved the same way I feel like it would be seen as controlling 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’m an anxious person anyway but I feel like it just makes me way more anxious when I know I’ll get the Spanish Inquisition about going anywhere

Just be vague.

"I've got a doctors appointment". If she pushes, continue with vague "just a check up"

If she's babysitting for you, don't give her chance to question and get in there first - can you look after xxx while I meet a friend for a drink - it's fair enough she's asking then.

Otherwise, have a polite conversation with her and tell her that you don't like feeling like you're in a goldfish bowl and having to tell her every detail of your movements.

You can't change your Mum's behaviour, but you can change how you react to it. You don't have to answer every single message straight away and you don't need to tell your Mum everything if you don't want to. You need to develop a few strategies for gently pulling back. If you don't want to answer a text asking where you're going, don't answer it - if she asks later just say you were driving and then you were distracted or busy didn't get round to answering. If you get annoyed or start being evasive, it will just make her even more curious.
I'd develop a list of deathly dull errands and rotate them in answer to where you've been - make it not worth her while to ask. You went to buy some sellotape, you had to return a book to the library, you went to drop off some recycling.... anything that doesn't provoke a further discussion!
I don't think your Mum has an absolute right to know where you are, even if you are asking her for childcare. She can be as interested as she likes, but you are entitled to some privacy. I wouldn't make a point of not telling her, just tell her something boring that you did at some other time instead. It's not worth falling out over.

That would really annoy me. Can’t believe your sister lives in the same street. My mum is pretty nosey and when I lived locally she wanted to know everything. Even when I moved 250 miles away she had a close relationship with my eldest son and would ring every day and he would tell her every detail of our life’s. Which she would then judge. It drove me mad. I was so glad when eldest son grew up and the calls dwindled. Now I only give her the info I want her to have. She knows everything about people in her street, even telling me x person has been off sick for 6 months. But that’s just something she’s made up in her head as she has no idea if that’s true as she doesn’t speak to them other than a quick hello. She’s been looking them up on Facebook and see’s stuff they’ve posted on public and that aids her neighbourhood nosiness. I have no clue what the people in my street do or if they’ve been off work for 1 day let alone 6 months! So I hear you, it’s very frustrating

Then when she asks where you're going, tell her that it's personal, and if she keeps asking, tell her she's crossing your clearly stated boundaries.

Have you ever tried expressing how you feel to her, or are you just expecting her to suddenly wake up one morning with a whole bunch of new habits that meet your needs but not hers, without you mentioning anything?

I had an appointment for a smear test the other week and told her I had a doctor’s appointment, then felt I had to make up a different thing it was for rather than give details and she made a comment about not believing it.

So next time she demands to know where you are going, say you're not telling her because she refuses to believe you, so what's the point?

I do think you're being a bit weird about this but I'm guessing it's the build up over years etc.

I'd just say, "I have an appointment" and when she pushes, "Mum, it's private. Nothing bad, nothing serious, just something for me."

But I don't think when you're that close to someone that this level of detail is weird. I have a good friend and we do quite a lot of childcare for each other so it's quite funny how much we both know about each other's day to day routines becuase it just comes up in random conversation.