Got fed up of LDR and told partner It's over-but

[StickyPlum77]

Been together 3 and a half years but not together. See each other every 3 weeks ish.

When we met I said no to a relationship. I was looking for one ideally, but I wasn't desperate for one. Partner insisted it would be okay and I think from their POV it is.

I said from day one, I was not relocating. I have several things keeping me where I am not least family who I had only just moved back from a different town to be close to. I am not moving again. I own my house and am a landlord-all around here. Partner lives with parents and has no assets. Always siad that when it came to it they'd move here not the other way around.

Another caveat is partner has two dogs and I have one-they're large, boisterous breeds and have not established themselves with one another yet, as we don't see one another often and they don't know each other. Can't leave them alone together, have to watch them or they go for one another.

A couple of weeks ago I said that's that-I am wasting my life and my time. I want a proper relationship if I am to have one at all, I have been unhappy for what feels like a very long time and enough' s enough.

After that, we spoke again and partner said they would have a proper think, if It's salvageable if they move here then they'll think about it. Said the only reason they've not so far is due to them having a permanent job, they'd easily get one around here but are scared that if we break up, they won't get one if they move back to their hometown.

I said okay, but it needs deciding soon.

Partner visited this weekend and I asked how long they'd need to decide. Reply 'I need to still carry on visiiting, bringing the dogs so they get used to each other'.

I texted partner asking about if I should take a day off work tomorrow (I worked an extra day so I can 'take one back') or if I should save it for next time partner visits-response was 'take it tomorrow I won't see you for two weeks now'.

Is it me, or does this sound as if partner just wants to carry on like nothing has happened and isn't thinking seriously about moving with me?

I am sorry if this is difficult to read/understand, I am really tired tonight and also feel really quite upset. I don't know what to do. I thought at first I'd reply and say I didn't want any more visits until partner had made a decision, but that feels petty!
We're both in our mid forties if that matters (I think it does).

Sounds like you're trying to force a life changing decision upon them over the course of a weekend. Which isn't fair.

This is a dead loss.

He’s mid 40’s, lives with his parents, no assets (what a catch), halfhearted effort to see you every 3 weeks.

He’s bringing nothing to the table at all.

You were right weeks ago - you are wasting your life and your time.

Put yourself out of your misery and end this once and for all. You’ll feel like a weight has been lifted.

I’d just end things. He’s not sure about moving and if he does then it doesn’t mean it’s going to work out if he’s unhappy. I’d just call it a day and go on some dates and see if you can meet someone locally. LDR’s can’t be fun. I’ve been seeing my bf for 2 months and he has custody of his kids and it’s been tough sometimes going a week, even two once without seeing him. I can’t imagine 3wks every time.

Thanks all.
I didn't feel like it was over a weekend as its been discussed on and off throughout and the last serious discussion was a couple of weeks ago. But perhaps it feels rushed on partners part....

He lives with his parents, where would he live if he moved to your area?

Please tell me he is an incredible lover with super human stamina and a dick that tastes like chocolate ice cream.

Would be moving in with me. And has a lot of good points, but no not quite 🤓

Well another conversation yesterday flagged up that partner has debts, and is afraid that living independently may mean they can't pay them off.
Guess I'm back to the drawing board. I am trying to not feel like I've wasted the last few years.

Is it me, or does this sound as if partner just wants to carry on like nothing has happened and isn't thinking seriously about moving with me?
It;s not you - he doesn't seem serious.

But if you only see each other every 3 weeks, how well do you even know each other?
Are you sure you want to cohabit?
You didn't initially even want a relationship with him.
He'd be bringing nothing to a cohabiting arrangement & his hinting about his debts is transparent - he wants to live off you like he lives off his parents, & this could be why he's stalling ... he's waiting for you to cave & offer him free accommodation.

Your life sounds ace as it is - why mess about with your lovely routine?

I have often felt that, about not knowing one another but how else could we have done it with being so long distance really?

I do want to cohabit, I guess I like the idea of life-sharing, being close, being with someone. And financially life would generally be much easier! I don't struggle but it does seem to make sense to live with partners most of the time.

I didn't want a relationship because I knew long distance would make me miserable, and it has. I've lasted a fair while I feel.

I'd want half the bills/house expenses-I wouldn't charge for my mortgage though, that wouldn't be fair. I'd need about £100 more than what parents are charging!

I guess because I am ultimately wanting a partner in life. I've been alone a long time and I do crave that love and connection with someone, doing things together. Life just feels a bit 'meh' when you're alone and all your friends are in couples but for me, I am in a couple but not! That feels worse.

It sounds like you are done, he is not able to be a proper partner to you-or anyone by the sounds of it. You are just prolonging the inevitable, you want to break up and now he needs to think on if it could work, while not seeing you for two weeks. This is is mad just cut the cord.
I would also take the time to reflect on why you settled for a long distance relationship with a man who in his forties still lives with his parents. You say you wanted a proper partnership but rather than waiting you decided on him. You would have known a few years in that nothing would change.