Braggy people - why do I let them annoy me?

[julz85]

I have 2 massive braggers in my family. They are both my BILs so not blood but I obviously have to see and deal with them a lot.

It's constant talk of holidays, cars, how much things cost, how well their kid is doing at this and that and how much better they are than everyone else, putting others down who have less, constant talk of how someone they know has had a big pay rise but don't have much to show for it, etc etc!

Everything is measurable is some way, comparison is a constant topic of conversation. If anyone else tries to compete with them then they're ridiculous - you get the gist!

The thing is, I know it comes from a lack of confidence and portrays that maybe they don't have as much as they say they do. But my god it gets on my nerves and irritates me that I can't just relax and deal with it. It almost ends up dragging me into that kind of style and I'm never like that!

For me, if I have something I almost try and tone it down so I don't appear like I'm bragging. My number 1 intention in life is to not appear that way. If we get a new car I wouldn't want to talk about it very much. I'm also very modest and enjoy the small things rather than the material things.

How can I learn to get less irritated?

I don’t know but I do sympathise - stuff like that irritates me too! I left the U.K. in part because of it. When I go back to visit I really notice the conversation with a lot of people circles back to that.

If you enjoy the small things just keep doing that.

Know when you see them they will be on that vibe and just ride the crest of that wave.

They are unlikely to change and perhaps that is what they need to feel happy, superiority in their own minds.

Ask them questions that level the playing field for example "one of my resolutions this year is to broaden my horizons, read any good books recently? I'm looking for inspiration" Most people can enjoy books, bought or library.

"We found some amazing walks locally who knew there was an old mill 2 miles from our house"

Bring it back down to the smaller things that everyone can access, no big wage involved, but with a competitive possibility. Perhaps if you must.

Or talk about people you know with amazing talents that take time and care more than money, "X is running a marathon this year so inspiring since they wouldn't walk home from the pub last year"

"Met this woman who can knit anything, god it's amazing she doesn't even look at her needles"

"Saw some street dancers at the weekend it was like breakdancing but plus plus plus"

Etc

The thing that strikes me most strongly from your OP is that your ‘number 1 intention in life is not to appear that way’ [to be seen to brag] — that seems quite extreme to me. Absolutely boasters are spectacularly tiresome, but I also can’t imagine being so preoccupied with performing humility.

My mother is like this, and it’s either hilarious or dementor-ishly joyless — I remember winning a national postgraduate scholarship, which got a small piece in the local paper, and hearing my mother falling over herself to tell a neighbour that I was just ‘too lazy to leave university and get a job’. The neighbour looked like she thought my mother was quite mad. She just has a horror of looking in any way satisfied with herself.

Several solutions I can think of would be:

Try and change the subject.
Just ignore them and don't respond to what they are talking about while yawning loudly.
Say something along the lines of, "why are you so obsessed with the price of everything" or " Yeah, Yeah, I know your kids are perfect; you've told me already."

Difficult because they're family members so you can't get away from it. Try to see the funny side is my advice, see them as comedy characters when they brag, it might help.

Member of my family is like this. We’ve all noticed and his constant bringing up how much he earns, what fancy car he’s getting next etc hasn’t gone unnoticed by anyone OR more importantly impressed any of us. Why would it? Having more money doesn’t make him a better or more hard-working person. I feel
sorry for him really that he thinks we’re in awe of him.

Surely you ask them if they are compensating for having a small penis?

That MUST be why 😂

Just make stuff up.
I told someone my son was foreign correspondent to Sweden once, he was only about 8.
Made me laugh.

Loads of people I know do this, and it seems to be getting worse. Friends, family, colleagues. I hate it, very boring. It never crossed my mind to brag about anything. I feel like I've got a chromosome missing 😅

The way I deal with it is to be a good listener and let your own success speak for themself.

Just want to say I can totally empathise with this...DH's family are awfully materialistic, I am from a family who were the opposite.
One of his brothers and SIL (who we are NC with as they are such bloody hard work) are the pits with it...they were living in a handed down family house so had no mortgage/rent to pay which helped them have money, but also were working for DH's father's immoral and fraudulent business, paying little or no tax and claiming benefits they weren't entitled to, then bragging about their savings and their fancy purchases.

Funny thing was though, despite having all the financial privileges, his brother was always bloody moaning and miserable still, and all 'poor me'.

I guess money can't buy happiness.

It can be amusing to pretend you think they've bought/achieved something even better.
New House: 'Oh has it got a pool?'
Holiday: 'Are you flying first class as its long haul?'
Exam results: 'Will they be going to Oxford?'
Watching them explain why they've failed to meet your expectations makes a change from the bragging.
'

I totally get it, some folk r just like this, never happy unless they are bumming themselves up and showing off. I just nod along. Money talks wealth whispers

Say, "Oh that's a shame" whenever they brag about something.

I’m conflicted about this - mainly because I’m concerned that’s how people will see us 😳 but how do you respond when someone asks you what you’ve been doing or what you have planned and it seems to be a list of going away or going out and doing things? I’ve virtually stopped using Facebook as I don’t want to have the accusation leveled at me (as I know one friend always calls it Facebrag) although I love to see my friends happy and going to lovely places. It does makes me sad that I won’t have memories of going to places pop up unexpectedly but I do smile when it’s pictures of my cats since that’s what the internet was invented for?

@9GreenBottles If they ask then they're interested.
As for Facebook you can always set it so just you see your memories. Personally I make albums on Google photos, and they're just for myself and my husband to see, I have no need for external validation of everything we do.

“If they ask then they're interested.“

It’s a double edged sword though. If they ask, and you say honestly what you’re doing or have done, there are some people who would perceive bragging. And there are some people who would ask to be nosy and to confirm their belief that you’re “bragging” so they can gossip or sit in judgement.

I’m mindful of what I tell to whom as a result.

A big deal doesn’t make a big deal about being a big deal. I would just keep putting it back to them. It’s a them issue. It’s nothing to do with you. Don’t engage with it. Be yourself and just keep telling yourself that it’s a them problem.