How to support your partner when they become self-employed

[Sparklecrystal]

Hi All,

Sorry for a long one..

Hoping for some help or advice, and I guess a little place to vent 😖

My Fiancé was made redundant back in August last year and used his redundancy money to train as an electrician. I'm so proud of him and he has managed to start a new business with his friend who is also an electrician and they are doing well-ish.

(To mention: We started trying for a baby in July last year but haven't had that blessing yet. Tbh it's probably a good idea it hasn't happened yet with everything going on..)

The problem is at the moment my fiance and his buisness partner can't pull more than £1,000 each from the business as a monthly salary as its still fairly new and haven't built up a huge client base yet but do have jobs on all throughout the week. Some jobs are just £60 others can be £300+ depending on the work that needs doing..

I work full time in banking and I am paid comfortably for what I do, just under £1,800 a month. We split rent 50/50 which is £1,100 a month and I pay half the bills, I pay his car loan, my loan and my credit card. I also am paying for all of the food shops/ shopping for us. I'm perfectly happy to do this right now as I know its a struggle for him and I'm sure he would do the same for me. He pays for his car insurance, credit cards.

Here's where I'm a bit upset, this morning he turned to me and said he feels like getting in the car and just running away. He said he'd be better off single financially at this point. I know what he means as our rent is high for just a 2 bedroom flat and he said I need to help him out and try and sell some things we don't need anymore to make a bit of extra money.

Please tell me it gets better 😖 Whenever he needs a bit of money I give him it, whether its £100 or £15 quid, and ive now come to the end of all the savings I had in my help to buy ISA (it wasnt much - only about £800, but thats all gone now..) Should I pay more of his part of the rent to take a bit more of the burden off?

We've always split things 50/50 even when he was working in banking with me and I earned less than him (which now when I think about it was a bit unfair) but I'm more than happy to pay a bit extra. It won't leave me with alot at the end of the month and might be a bit of a struggle, but I'll do anything to not have him worrying like that. It makes me so upset to know he feels like running away would be the best option 😔

Any advice would be appreciated - Pleae tell me it gets better 💖

If he started the course 7 months ago, no he won't be qualified as its a 3 year course.

Maybe OP means qualified in August

There are fast tracks I’m aware of, but none that quick! I’m wondering if he’s the sparkies labourer?

For a lot trades, SE works out much better for those who can put in a graft. Better as an employee if you’re a plodder.

@4thonthe4th I say it tongue in cheek, I'd kill for 28 days a year though. More like 28 hours a year plus bank hols.

Need to work for our local council; my mum get 35 + bank hols!! 😎

If he is determined to become self employed it's not easy at all.

My DH left a good job and became self employed but only once he had some clients. He was working full time and doing his self employed work in the evening weekends etc for almost a year, before he could give up his job,

I would suggest he needs another job to help for a few months.

@4thonthe4th Sign me up!!

I know a lot of people who are self employed. Most of them had worked elsewhere for a few years and then decided to become self employed. I also know people that became self employed after redundancy.

Your boyfriend should do a start your own business course. These are free courses run by your local employment service and tell him about finance, taxes, funding available for business and costing jobs. They can offer help and advice after doing the course also.
From what you told us I think your boyfriend needs help with what his costs and expenses are and he needs to figure out what to charge for x,y,z job to cover these.
Also he may be entitled to some benefits or funding when he is trying to get his business off the ground.

At the moment your subbing his living expenses and yet he is complaining about your lack of support. The reality is that your not willing to sub him for ever and you want him to be earning a living after a certain period of time. He may be better off getting into paid employment rather than being self employed.
At this stage I would tell him that you want him to do a start your own business course.
I would also say to him that it's not your responsibility to keep covering his living expenses and that financially you can't afford to do this.

I know you may be keen to have a baby but this I would not be TTC at the moment.

Omg don't get pregnant, that is the universe or God or whatever you want to believe in protecting you. I'm sorry but this guy I think it's taking you for a mug. I'm abit old fashioned I think a man should always have the capability to provide at least for himself, but definitely for a family/ wife. But it's not even 50/50 at this point. Your not married yet personally I would get out while I could. There's nothing wrong with supporting your partner when they're down especially if they did the same for you. But the fact he was happy to go 50/50 when he was earning more than you, just shows to me he doesn't really value you as much as you do him.

Getting newly qualified in something then immediately starting a business isn't a great idea. Unless his mate already had the business and he's helping out and not qualified yet, which would explain the low call out fee for him.

Either way, he didn't do it by income when it favoured you but he does when it doesn't. Makes you look like a mug, and he's still moaning.

I'd be considering taking him up and his offer to drive off. And no more unprotected sex.

I don't know if this has been resolved but this is not something to be tolerated. If your fiance keeps having the urge to run away that's not a good sign and a cue for you to pump the breaks and let him go off on his own instead of investing more into this relationship financially or emotionally. This won't end at just you guys being engaged you don't want to end up with a mortgage and children only for him to give into this urge and then run out on you.

An old friend of mine went through this exact predicament with an ex. She was the one pulling 90% of the financial weight while he worked odd jobs here and there. Then he decided on the field he wanted to settle into and get a full time job after 2 years of drifting around aimlessly. When the job offers started coming in he started dropping hints about moving out and 'needing space'. Luckily she pulled her head out of the clouds and saw the situation for what it was, he had just been using her as a stepping stone while he figured out what he wanted to do. Unfortunately she was enabling his lack of work ethic until he was ready to enjoy bachelorhood without any reminders of the struggle including her apparently.

If a man is threatening to leave you at his lowest point, you need to ask yourself how loyal he'll be when things are easier on him and there's less problems to be faced. Really hope you guys have managed to sort out your issues and am interested to hear how you guys have turned out since.

Hey! I thought I'd update. Firstly so sorry it took me ages to get an update out, I kind of put this post to the back of my mind as soon as I'd made it.

Everyone was completely right, his behaviour was out of line and I told him how I was feeling. He told me how stressed he'd been feeling with worrying about becoming self-employed but shouldn't have been worrying me and putting all the load onto me. Running away is never the answer but I have no doubt that he'd actually have done such a thing and was just his way of talking about stress.

He really has put the work in and I'm pleased to say his business is going really well! I no longer am responsible for the majority of the bills and finances. Obviously I know some months may be quieter than others with being self-employed but there's a good surplus to keep ticking over if that happens.

Business really picked up within a couple of months of writing this post. He just needed to knuckle down but keep the faith that it was going to work out. I kept reminding him the first year is always the hardest and it really was.

The business has had plenty of repeat and new custom and November and December of this year has been their most successful yet.

Both are excited for the future and we are hoping we can take a break and have a holiday this year as didnt go last year as just wasn't feasible.

Again thank you so much everyone who replied. I really did appreciate your responses. His stress radiated onto my own stress but I can honestly say I'm so proud of how things are going and how hard he's worked.

Here's hoping 2024 is going to be even better for his business ☺️

Has he paid back your ISA?

Yes he paid it back in segments each month once business picked up and gave me extra so I've shoved that in there too xx

He sounds like an absolute twat. Go and get a normal PAYE job then. No SE electrician round here charges £60, they are like gold dust and busy for weeks. They charge £100 call out for starters. if they are only able to draw £1000 a month, then it's not not a viable business yet, so he needs to take other jobs part-time job, PAYE job or whatever he needs to do until he builds his business where he can take an average salary from it. Loads of our friends are electricians plumbers builders and then incredibly busy and earning a fortune. Your bloke sounds like an idiot.

Did you read the update?

This.

He's actually awful.

Sorry don't want to keep commenting as I know it brings it up on the forum board so people will see it and think it's recent.

We also put TTC on hold as again all of your advice was spot on, wasn't the right time to start trying. (Much to my disappointment but was the right thing to do)

Hoping to re-visit idea towards end of 2024 and see where we are at xx

My electrician spent a shortish day doing some work in my new kitchen and charged £280, which probably wasn’t that expensive. He could easily be earning 75k plus if he’s working every day. But he’s being a twat if he thinks he could survive without you bankrolling him, he should be dying with gratitude.
Ah - just read the update! That’s excellent!

Your updates don’t change the fact that when you were earning less you were paying in 50/50 and when he was earning less he was paying considerably less than 50/50. I can understand the stress that he was under but it really doesn’t explain why the he expects (and you willingly oblige) in carrying the greater financial burden.

I’m glad his business is going well and the financial pressures are less for him but I think you have very different attitudes to money. From his side, there appears to be an underlying expectation/ entitlement with regards to finances. If you both have worked in banking then there really isn’t any excuse for better financial planning.