Moving up North from down south

[Willsoo]

Hello please can I get some advice about my current situation.

I’m originally from up north and all my family are there. I moved down south near to where my husband is from and all his family is 6 years ago. We now have two young children.

Since I’ve had my young children I’ve found it hard. Mostly due to the fact I don’t have the help from my own family. My mother in law has always been great in the sense that she loves the boys and always wants to help. However with that it’s been hard as she’s particularly opinionated about things and the relationship between the two of us has deteriorated since the boys came along.
She says things that upset me on a regular basis. My husband has tried on numerous occasions to speak to her, however she carries on behaving the way she does.

We recently have investigated re- locating up north and my husband would be having to travel at least once or twice every few weeks back to London for work. It’s safe to say this hasn’t gone down well with the mother in law. I’d love to know if anyone has ever experienced anything similar?

I’m torn between grinning and bearing it down south and having more help from my husband as he wouldn’t be travelling or moving up north where my family are and cheaper costs of living. Just to add to this my husband isn’t keen on moving up north and we’ve had several arguments about it. I’ve recently been telling with post natal depression which has been particularly difficult. My sister in law now has a little baby and I have noticed my mother in law is showing less interest in us as a family.

Thank you and appreciate anyone reading this to give me advice!

I am sorry that you are dealing with PND.

It’s horrific and takes a looooong time to lift.

IME it also distorts and amplifies (negativity) your perceptions of others on you. I am not saying this to suggest it’s all you and she is perfect - but just for you to consider some “grey” in the dynamic.

I also don’t think it is great to make big, stressful life changing decisions before you are recovered. Just the move will be a huge negative drain on your finite emotional capacity and it may not deliver on the fantasy of having help on hand if you are still unwell.

I would focus on getting well first. What professional help do you have for your mental health and what lifestyle things can you put in place to ease the pressure? Are you sleeping, eating, exercising and socialising as best you can in the circumstances? If you are very ground down physically and emotionally have you thought about medication just to give you enough of a lift to be able to do the lifestyle stuff.

PND is grim - but it will pass. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself afloat at this time. Just little things each day. What makes you feel momentarily calmer?

With your MIL you can detach from her emotionally in your head and withdraw a bit physically.

Why doesn’t your H want to move?
I think that’s important

PND is tough and I can understand you wanting family around. I live down south and my family is up north and have for 22yrs so get where you’re coming from. I chose to move for a job and do like it down south. I’ve made a life for myself here with friends / colleagues etc.

I don’t think that it’s any of your MIL’s business if you move or not. She’s entitled to feel sad about it but not to influence a decision. Best thing about moving up north will be cost of living will be far cheaper, housing etc. Whilst your MIL doesn’t have a say in you moving, your husband clearly does. If he doesn’t want to go then that leaves you in a difficult position as it’s unfair to force him to move

it's weird that your husband wouldn't move with you - is that what you're suggesting could happen? or that he would be away some of the time.

On paper it sounds great to move up north for cheaper standard of living and family support but in reality if it messes up your marriage is it worth it? Likely it would lead to an eventual split up if you lived separately?

You need a deep and meaningful convo with your partner.

Your MIL opinion on this is irrelevant, of course. You have to do what you and DH agree is best for you as a family. Taking in to account availabilty of support, financials, effect on his work, benefits for the children etc etc.

I had a similar experience (but not moving so far) and MIL objected. We didn't factor her objections in to the equation as they were a) based on selfish reasoning and b) it was up to us to decide what's best for our family.

A friend of mines husband wouldn’t move up north so she could be closer to her family for support as his family were no help at all. She stayed for another 4 years and it just all got worse for her. To a point she said she is leaving and going, he can come with or stay. He said he is staying but once she started with the process of selling the house he could see she was serious and has since said he will go with her.

shw would have left without him though as she just couldn’t do it anymore.

It’s amazing up North!!! X go for it

What about when you're done with maternity leave? Where are you best off work wise?

It depends on your husband's work but I think a lot of employers are moving towards having people back in the office more so I would worry that he would end up needing to be back down south more than you currently think. If he changes job in the future, are there options where you would move in the north?

Would you be in a position to trial it for a year or two? Eg. if you own your home now, rent it out and rent somewhere near your family, and see how it works out for everybody?

I was trying to work out how to say this gently because I really do understand that PND is tough but I also think that there is no guarantee that your family would help you enough either - they might say they will, it might not work out for a number of reasons (health issues, for example, can be sudden) or they might be flaky or you might find you get on less well living near them than you expect to.

I think it's worth trying to put more work into being self sufficient as a family unit than relying on extended family and basing big decisions on that. That might mean spending more on childcare or your DH doing more, difficult to say without knowing more.

I am probably biased as we have never had any help with ours

I think @Willsoo you have to think this through carefully having been in a similar position at one point. These are the things I would think about

1. Don't factor in family help other than the odd bit of babysitting- it doesn't always materialise or can very easily go wrong

2 it's very easy to think it's cheaper cost of living but what often happens in reality is you go 'ooh look we can get so much more for our money- so your 3 bed semi becomes a 4 bed detached or 2 bed flat becomes a 3 bed semi , and you end up spending as much- so cost of living isn't cheaper- it's only housing really that has big variables. In addition you then have train fares which are not cheap especially if you can't book set days weeks and weeks in advance and are nothing like what you pay for routes within the southeast.

3 depends where you are thinking up North- and where you live in the south- some of the nicer areas 'up north' are not that much cheaper than many areas down south because anyone with a Bob or two gravitates to them- so depends how fussy you are- I realised this when looking at prices for areas my H actually would consider. I realise anyone living in London would notice a big difference but the south isn't just London- to give you an example when I looked Altrincham was not that much cheaper than areas like Guildford. York and Harrogate were not far off Bath money.

It can be cheaper but only if you go for equivalent in the not massively in demand areas.

You have to factor in convenience and if your H has to go into London a few times a month then that's a cost and a not insignificant one especially if he needs to be there before 11am.

Not poo pooing it- just mentioning the stuff that I think has to be thought through

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate you reading this as it’s been a dilemma of mine for soooo long. I know you all don’t know the ins and outs as hard to explain all of it.

With the work aspect for my husband, he would probably travel up the night before and stay over at his parents. Yes factoring train costs would be something we need to think about.

I guess I’m mostly worried about my MIL giving us less help now her daughter has a baby and just wanting my family to care for my children.

Could you go up to your family for a short stay to get an idea of how much real interest they have in caring for you and DC? We moved back to the UK after living overseas for years and chose to be near DH’s DPs (my ILs) but they are actually pretty useless in practice despite being enthusiastic.

If MIL is just pitching in with opinions while not actually helping you as she’s busy with her DDs NB, do you have any other support? Is your DH generally supportive of you and the DC, despite his reluctance to move?

@Willsoo Reason I mentioned train fares was because I know a family really well who moved from Surrey to a nice place in Yorkshire and both of them had an element of 'having to be in London' not that often but enough and realise they are spending around£700 extra a month to what they previously spent on either trains or extra petrol and parking if they drive - they had sort of casually factored in an extra£300 at most .

I would definitely research it as in areas you would want to live, house prices, travel costs and commute time for your Dh and realistically how much support your family can give you. I think this part breaks down into two things, one is actual child care where you leave your children with them whereas the other is visiting and having an extra pair of hands.

Also how welcoming your PIL will be to their son staying with them and whether they would make comments on it or whether he just does a really long day once in a while and travels there and back in a day. Obviously when you say the North that is a massive area so I have no idea geographically where you are talking about and how long a train journey it would be for him or a drive.

It’s near Liverpool we would move to. Currently the drive is 4.5 hours. It’s horrendous with a baby and toddler

I’m the opposite. I’m up north but want to live down south!

It’s a tough one for you but PND is probably having an effect on your decisions. Why don’t you visit family up north a bit more often? I’m often travelling from the north east to London on the train and regularly get cheap tickets (<£20 each way).

House prices up north have risen sharply since the pandemic too but I suppose it depends where you want to be.

It could be a bad decision for your marriage if you move back north.