From a far one would think I am very happy, but things are quiet the opposite. I grew up being mentally and physically torchered by my father I even self harmed. But things were not all bad, I have amazing memories with my older siblings and mum. My dad passed away when I was 16 and at 17 I met my now husband 12 years older than me. And he filled my fathers shoes to some extent - with the mental and emotional torcher, Our marriage has been a rollercoaster and I have been through a lot. I started living in a bubble I found a place in my thoughts where I was really happy and live life to the max in my bubble- my happy place. As years passed this just became the normal for me. Things weren't always bad there were good times as well. I have 2 amazing kids. My husband has also improved himself for the better and can be very loving and overly caring but when things are bad it washes away all the good. When he gets angry he swears and the things he says are very hurtful. He then manipulates to make everything seem like it was our fault. He has recently undergone cancer treatment which has had a negative impact on his mental health. He had an outburst recently and lashed out verbally at my kids. I don't know why and where I got the strength from but I walked out with both my kids. But now things are being twisted and I am told I left because I couldn't hack the responsibility of a sick partner. He did apologise and has done many times since. And tells me he loves me so much. But there are things that just ruin everything. His alcohol addiction for 1. He doesn't get aggressive after drinking but i dont like that he thinks its okay to drink from noon until early hours of the morning. He says its what keeps him alive and gets him through the day how if he stops he will die. He also makes me feel guilty for leaving when he really needs me as he needs help getting around, speaking eating etc and that he wishes he would just die as he is a burden. How we don’t understand how each day is torcher for him, how he gets treated when he is out like he is some weirdo. My kids mental health is being affected. They don't want to go back. He has never hit them. He does a lot for them over and beyond to another level, but the verbal abuse every 4/5 months ruins it all. I am at a loss and feel sick at the gut. If I don't go back he will most certainly harm himself, which I can't live with. If I go back my children will think I don't care about how they feel. At times I wish I could die so all this would stop but then the thought of my kids stops me in my tracks, I wouldn't even be able to die and be at peace. I am going home today to talk. No doubt I will be back home soon trying to keep everyone happy and alive. Making sure kids have support in place making sure husband has the help he needs whilst trying to address my own anxieties.