Tips for getting through in-laws event

[Mrspepperpotsskirt]

Don’t want to be outing so name change and not too much back story. Genuinely looking for tips & light hearted replies to help me face/ deal with upcoming event.

I'm dil quickly cast as Witch, wicked step mum…. All whispers but smiles to face. I’m as low contact as can be have pulled back but for dh sake agreed while mil alive won’t go nc

Big bday event coming up. Not local to us & my dcs not going so friendly faces other than dh.

I can smile & wave & grey rock all night but as hard as I try can’t help feeling anxious & it’s occupying my head more than I’d like already.

I’ll have my phone & will take extended breaks for fresh air.. any tips you lovely lot… thoughts to make me smile/ keep me from overthinking?

Do you have long or thick hair? Pop some wireless earphones in and listen to something you love!

It's been suggested on here before to have a mental BINGO card. When someone whispers or says something, you get to cross one off.

Won’t there be friends and neighbours you can talk to?

Have fun by being over the top complimentary.
I did this to a horrible work colleague on a hen weekend. She said something mean that was obviously intended for me so I told her how lovely her dress was, how kind of her to organise the venue and generally gushed in front of other colleagues. She knew exactly what I was up to but couldn't say anything.

love those thank you & both made me smile… sadly not hair for earphones ( great idea though I’ll recommend on) going to give serious thought to bingo 😂might even make a small card for bag!

sadly won’t be anyone other than family. Will make good attempts with whoever I get chance, outside the clan, to talk to. But similar situations before I’ve felt I’m known without sounding too paranoid.

@Tricolette yes the kill’em with kindness. Good plan

like the bingo idea, points on the bingo card

the giving complements idea, see how many you can give, 5 points for a child and 10 points for an adult

see if you can fit particular words or phrases into conversation, crocodile or some other random word, points for words

fresh air breaks sound good

@ivykaty44 smiling already now…great random words popping into my head.

The Bingo card is a fab idea.

I used to have to endure similar events. One thing that helped me was fractions and percentages. I would work out how long the event would last and break it down into segments. The chance for calculation came with each toilet visit. Strange how weak my bladder was on those days, and I would love thinking “That’s two fifths over and done with, that’s 40%” or whatever.

If you’re able to, give yourself a treat afterwards. You could also decide to “pay” yourself so much per hour. More calculations in the loo as to cumulative earnings!

I also used to imagine I was in a movie and what the camera would be zooming in on, and have a mental volume knob to turn various things up or down in the movie.

I feel sorry for you. Do you have to go? Can you stay close to DH as I suspect they’re not vile to you in front of him?

@LouLou789 genius! Fractions & % will keep me busy all night 🤯.

great idea with film & controls. Wish I could get someone else in to play me.

I deserve a reward afterwards so a bit of online browsing on my extended breaks. Thank you 😊

Are you sure that they are all that awful? They are the family of the man you love, surely one or two of them must be bearable? Aren’t there a couple of spouses who feel exactly like you do?

Actually, you need a sore throat the day before. Do a Covid test, and what a shame it's positive. (orange juice is your friend here according to some teenagers I know).

If you do go, play games with them in your head. When I had to deal with an unpleasant boss I would be looking at him in his suit but in my head he was sitting on the toilet, no dignity at all.

Sounds excruciating. I have the same with mine, just reading your OP gave me the heebie jeebies. Urgh bloody IL's. I like to day dream about never seeing them again. When the kids are grown up, my DH can go on his own. I stay out of it mostly now, except for the odd occasion, and that occasion gives me enough fury fuel for the next year.

@Thankyouforthemusic He’ll hopefully stay close but I’ll try to model confident self & wary to feed any controlling narrative they have.

is one of those… I could not go but would hurt dh & he’s very supportive with my family & generally a good ‘un.

@Eddielizzard exactly… fury fuel 😂

Use this opportunity to sway the opinions of those around the family, be chatty and fun with their friends so they start doubting the family's version of you. Make that your main aim, I have done this too, it's so satisfying.

I don't understand why you are going. If your husband is such a good person surely he understands how badly these people treat you.

I'm not going to join in the lighthearted discussion as it's ridiculous that you're putting yourself through this.

I would (and have) developed food poisoning / a migraine / really bad period pains on the morning of the event.

years later, DH and I are much more on the same page and have more of a joint strategy for managing these things (agreed leaving time, signals to help each other out of conversations etc). In the early days, when he was still programmed to block out how awful they could be, I was ‘ill’ 🤷‍♀️ I think women are too conditioned to putting them second / last to other people - it’s ok not to put yourself through this kind of shit.

Have something nice organised for next day, even if just a peaceful cuppa in bed with a book.

@Tricolette This is exactly what I do with my sister in law after she showed me her a/hole.

One day she had a go at me publicly that I’m so mean and rude to her (I knew exactly what she was doing - she’s a mean girl). I broke down in tears and told her my uncle died immediately before the family brunch.

Now every time I see her I compliment her dress or hair or makeup.

It really does work.

i did it 🙌🏻thanks… as always these things never as bad irl but tips really helped.. broke the evening down into chunks.. played buzz word bingo & had lovely tik toks to smile about ( on loo breaks) sent from friend.

I totally agree that the beauty of being a grown up is not having to do what you don’t want to but sometimes there’s stuff that comes up that means you have to compromise.

thanks all .. just writing & reading this was soooo helpful.

Definitely Bingo, and as many brakes you fit in.

What I used to do when visiting ILs I had an hour alone the day before and the day after. I would go to a coffee shop while DDs were in school. If I didn’t get that time I needed an entire day alone after the visit.

Just suffer it go and be kind to everyone and leave when you're ready.