We're falling apart already

[Sarahjaned]

Our baby is 2 months old and I feel like having a child is already breaking down our relationship.
My partner and I have been together for 2 years, we're engaged. We got pregnant by accident but felt that our relationship was so strong that we could handle a child. Now our baby is only two months old and it seems like we're already falling apart.
Neither of us are coping with the extreme changes in life that have come with having a baby. Im really struggling with being on maternity leave, mental health and taken a dive and I no longer feel like myself anymore. I pine for my old life and my previous self. I'm mentally and physically exhausted.
My partner works full time in an emotionally taxing job and he's not coping with juggling work and parent responsibilities. He's so stressed all the time now. Neither of us are the people we used to be.
We have tried so hard to keep our relationship strong and have good communication but we always seem to end up falling out and we both end up feeling miserable.
We live in a city at least three hours away from either of our families and don't have much of a support network here.
We both absolutely love and adore our child, but sometimes it's so hard not to wish things were different. I just don't like my life anymore and I'm so exhausted I don't see how it's going to get better.

Oh that sounds tough. The early months really are. But if you were strong before the baby came along then you should get through them.
Can you sign up for a short stint of counselling (either together or separately) to help you process everything? Any more support from family or friends you can call on? Anything you can do to simplify your life? Can you afford a babysitter once a fortnight so you can go out together for a quick meal or a walk or something?

Op this stage is so tough. Dh and I have always considered it "survival mode", when you're just trying to get through the days and know that life and your relationship will improve

I know it doesn't feel like it now but it honestly does get better. Your baby is still in the fourth trimester so is super needy and it is draining. It doesn't mean you don't love your baby or you're bad parents at all

In terms of losing who you are, does baby take a bottle of either formula or expressed milk? If they do, could you go out to dinner/coffee/lunch with a friend and leave baby with your partner? A few hours break doing something for just you can make so much difference

Do you have any real life support?

It really is a tough time in a relationship coping with the demands of a new baby. Your life does change, but trust me things get better. I found mat leave tough also, I’ve always worked and my career is part of my identity. I love going to the office as I’m such a sociable person so I found suddenly being at home all the time very tough. But life with a baby does get better when they settle into a routine. Try and get some time each to do something you enjoy each week. Keep the communication open with each other and try and find a little time for each other, even if it’s a meal (takeaway if easier) and a movie (be ready with the bottles / breast to feed baby). Things will get better

Neither of us are the people we used to be

You are exactly who you were, both of you. Your situation has changed, not your personalities. Have patience. If you were a strong couple with good communication a couple of months ago, then you just need some time to adjust to the new shape of life.

I don't see how it's going to get better

It will simply change. Having a newborn isn't the same as having a 6 month old. Having a 1 year old will be like having a different baby (different needs/different ways of expressing themselves/different sleep patterns) and you won't be in at the deep end anymore, you will have found your feet. You and your partner will have found ways of navigating the demands. There's lots of ways it can and will change.

Grit your teeth and keep going. It's hard for everyone, this bit. Some find it harder than others, and there's no 'correct' level of difficulty here. It doesn't say anything about you, that you're having a rough time.

You'll be fine.

You are in the eye of the storm right now and it is tough.
I think it's hard to really understand the impact that having a child has on your life until you actually have one, there is no way you can prepare for that complete change in priorities.

Firstly, make sure you talk to your health team about pnd, be very open with your mental health as there is a lot of support available for new mums within the first year (you often get pushed to the front of the list)

I breastfed both of mine until almost 12 months and felt very alone that first year. Dh's life didn't seem to have changed beyond recognition like mine had and it took me until dd was around 14m old to start getting the old me back.
I was back at work, we had a routine, and that's where it clicks I think.
It is really hard, but these first moments are such a small part of an entire life together so as long as you recognise that you just do whatever you can to survive it and once things settle you will become more of what you think of as a family.
I agree that you need to make sure you do prioritise some time for yourselves individually and as a couple.
Your baby needs food, love, changing when wet, so take what moments you can to watch a funny TV show huddled together, meditate, whatever it is you enjoy.
However hard this point is, in the blink of an eye they'll be a 9 year old so it doesn't last.

Exactly what PP said - this phase is extremely tough and new parents often think they dislike each other. Your relationship isn’t over but right now it’s probably under the greatest stress it’s ever been under, particularly given you haven’t been together that long.

Our first was planned and we both loved her very much from the outset but there were times in the early days where I thought we’d made a huge mistake in thinking we could be parents. Your footloose and fancy free days are behind you for now - but you’ll soon start to feel the exchange was worth it. It was about 2-3 months in that I really started finding the fun in parenthood.

I heartily recommend reading Vicki Iovine’s Guide to Surviving the First Year of Morherhood (it’s been reprinted many times over the years with slightly varying titles but that’s the gist of it). I found it highly reassuring, useful and amusing.