Anyone overcome vaginismus successfully?

[Frozen2023]

I’ve been sexually abused in the past, and I am currently in a romantic relationship and it’s turned out I find sex very painful, uncomfortable. I’ve been to see the GP and I’ve tried the dilators, and I still find it so unenjoyable and a chore.

Has anyone ever had this and overcome it?

I feel like I’m missing out in life.

Have you had therapy?

I’ve tried it - I don’t think it helped really apart from making me feel more positively about sex - physically and pain wise it didn’t change anything.

I found sex impossible when l first started sexual relationships. Eventually l was ‘stretched’ under GA

No problems since.

Do you feel pain using the dilators?

Do you feel safe to be emotionally and physically vulnerable with your boyfriend?

Have you spoken to him about it? How did he react?

Is he gentle with you in bed? Does he stop when he realises you’re in pain?

Do you say carry on it’s fine, whilst gritting your teeth?

I ask because I’m of the firm belief vaginismus is an emotional “fear response”. Your vagina is literally flinching at the thought of having to do something that has hurt in the past.

What sort of therapy did you have?

@DatingDinosaur

I do feel pain when using the dilators, but as I do it more the pain lessens but I just hate doing it.

My partner and I are going through a tough time right now, emotionally, it’s been a difficult year and I guess I don’t feel vulnerable as I’m harbouring feelings of resentment.

We have spoken, and when I don’t want to to do it he never forces me and we just do ‘other stuff’

He stops when I’m in pain, but it’s that intital I guess ‘entry’ that’s painful, once it’s all happening I’m fine I feel more pressure than anything, but it’s not pleasurable in the least.

Is there a sized dilator that doesn’t hurt? Do you use lube with them?

Was you given any information on how to use them? It’s not just about pushing it in in one go – more about holding it at the entrance and becoming aware of the tensing up, sitting with that feeling for a while (and whatever emotions come up with it – probably anxiety/fear/tension) then consciously relaxing your vaginal muscles (as if you’re allowing yourself to go for a poo/wee) and seeing if you can nudge it in a bit further, then sitting with the feeling again when it starts to feel tight/burning sensation – never push past the point of discomfort – always back off.

Remind yourself that in that moment you are in a safe space, nobody is going to hurt you and that you are in complete control. I'm sorry if that was triggering (IRT your past trauma as this emotional element will be the root cause of your tension).

I find nudging it in a bit and backing out again before any pain really helped “retrain” my vagina into realising something going in there doesn’t have to hurt.

This nudging and backing off technique is a transferable skill (for want of a better description) that you can explain to and use with your boyfriend too once you’ve got the hang of it with the dilators.

Don't know why I had it (honestly it's not talked about enough), but I literally couldn't tolerate penetration at first. We were fooling about several times a week and it was a good couple of months before he could actually penetrate me. Even then it was honestly horrible and I hated it.

Anyway, I sucked it up and after a few months it wasn't so horrible. We're a couple of years in and unless it's been a long time since our last encounter, there's no pain or even discomfort at penetration.

Having a baby helped stretch me out, but for me the solution was to keep doing it

Sometimes it’s just due to extra strong vaginal muscles. That was what mine was. I kept being asked if l played hockey or did lots of horse riding.