25yr Relationship in Slow Motion Decline

[Iwanttoslowdown]

I could really do with some help from others that have/haven’t stayed together after a long time together. We had a hard 2022 and lots of issues came out. No one else involved, we still love each other, still get on as friends but relationship wise, we keep coming back to a place of disconnect.

We had made a commitment to stay together and work at it over the New Year, but today has been awful. I love him very much and we have been good together for most of the years we have had, but our relationship is making me feel sad. Can anyone relate - it’s so sad.

Watching with interest as I'm in exactly the same boat. Wish I could offer some advice but just know that you are not alone in feeling like this. It is indeed very sad after so long together.

I ended a 20 year marriage in 2020. Although our relationship was not working on many levels, largely due to his problems, on one level we still got on well. We could still enjoy each other's company and have a laugh. So it was hard to know when to draw a line. I found one book particularly helpful called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It takes you through various questions and gets you out of the endless "on the other hand", that leaves you spinning your wheels in misery. We are coparenting now and can have good conversations. Divorcing saved our relationship really.

Are you still intimate? If I ever feel a distance between us, I initiate. I find it helps to reconnect.

What specifically is making you feel sad?

@TOclock are you able to share what’s happening with you? I feel so alone, and so sad that it’s come to this place.

@asquideatingdough thanku for the book recommendation and I’m sorry it ended but also intrigued that it saved your relationship. Can I ask how you coped with it - leaving your partner after all those years? And do you feel ok with your OH having a new partner also?

@Dacadactyl yes we are intimate and in many ways it’s been our point of reconnect when times have been tough.

@MyNameisMathilda The very long conversation we had tonight confirmed that he hasn’t engaged in me emotionally for a long time. So we have this very comfortable way of living together and now I’m noticing how emotionally alone I feel. And that I’m sad because I feel so alone and unfulfilled.

I actually felt almost entirely positive and relieved when we separated. I was very reluctant to let the marriage go because I had it in my end that I was never going to get divorced. No reason for it, I'm not religious or judgmental about others who have.but when I accepted that I had done my best but it was never going to be the marriage I wanted (ie of equals supporting each other) I was fine. I really had to give up the fantasy that if we just tried harder, it would work.

The first 18 months were pretty rocky because my ex went off the deep end when he moved out. But he has his shit together now and we are beginning to feel more comfortable as friends.

I would have zero problem with him having a new partner, provided she was good for him and would be good with our children. The romantic side of our relationship was dead years ag, before we broke up. As it is, I'm more than a year into a wonderful new relationship and my ex is still single (which he says he needs to be for his mental health.)

I think you need to give yourself permission to truly contemplate leaving. It's really not the end of the world.

@Iwanttoslowdown do you talk about it? are you able to verbalize when your frustrated and just want someone to listen or when other concerning issues come up how you feel alone fighting the world (say political or local issues)?
in the end no one is going to read your mind and immediately zone in on your emotional needs any more so than any other need.
are you perimenopausal/menopausal as hormones play havoc in relationships and on your self esteem.
what other changes have brought this to the forefront?

I’m living in limbo, and have been for a couple of years. Every single day I swing between staying and leaving, and it’s torture.
We sleep in separate rooms, sex stopped due to his ED, he drinks a bottle of wine a night, he has lied in the past so I don’t believe a word he says, and I don’t love him. Resentment took away the love.
I stay because it’s easy to, I just live in my own world.

Too many women stay in poorly performing relationships. I was like you but I divorced after 20yrs. You might not be ready to hear this yet, but get out and have yourself a life with the time you have left. I also held tight to my marriage vows. 'I'll never ever get divorced' I said, 'I'll never let my dc have a broken home'. I knew neither of us would ever have an affair. What I couldn't forsee was the slow decline & rot of the relationship that only I was prepared to mend. He wasn't interested in doing anything to heal things, to him it was perfect. I left and have grown SO much since.

Totally agree with you, @PeachDelany. I think a lot of people are influenced by accounts of how people are supposedly "quick to divorce" and that divorce is inevitably worse than staying totif there are children. If you have been in an unhappy relationship for 20 years that is not "quick to divorce". For me I had a lightbulb moment where I thought, "If I stay in this unhappy marriage for another 20 years, I will have only wasted another good part of my life. No one will give me a medal saying, "congratulations you stick with the bastard!"

I'm joking of course and every situation is different. Some people have lulls in the relationship or rifts that are reparable. But if you are at odds over the same things for years on end, why would it ever change?

@Iwanttoslowdown I wouldn't rush to separate until you have worked through the issues. How old are the children and what is your age?

There are various life stages that can cause issues in marriages and could yhis be a low stage that coupd improve?

Have you read Esther Perell view on relationships - she believes we put too much focus on romantic love and expect our partners to be everything to us when perhaps our expectations are unrealistic.

Only you can judge your marriage and your unhappiness - if you still connect physically and love each other I think it's worth fighting for. Where there is abuse or affairs then a divorce is definitely the right way.

Peri menopause can signal a transition and transitions are often painful

@Iwanttoslowdown

Reading your posts one thing struck me was that I didn't get a sense of what it is that is making you unhappy. Clearly you are very unhappy as you are thinking of leaving but I wondered why?