What should I do?

[Mangotango123]

I’m a married woman - the relationship isn’t fantastic, he is lazy in his approach to our marriage. I live in a village. A year or so ago a married man began working in a shop close to my house. He made it clear from the offset that he was attracted to me and would be very flirty. At first I took it as banter.

As time went on, I started to reciprocate the attraction, I found myself thinking about him a lot. We had exchanged platonic FB messages, but I gave him my mobile number. It became clear he was interested in me.

After a while, he asked if I would like to meet up. I said yes I would. Literally within 24 hours he did a 360 and told me (to my face) that he was wrong to have said that, and made it clear nothing could or would happen.

I see him frequently as the shop is next to my house, and he has often passed comment like ’you look amazing today’ and he has gifted me a Xmas present. Every time I message him he keeps it completely platonic, but I know there is something there.

Is this just him being a better person than I am, keeping things like this? It’s so weird that he spent so long ‘chasing’ me yet when I green lighted him he immediately stopped it. I feel a bit of an idiot.

Well you are being an idiot. You need to decide what you want.

Stay married or end your marriage?

You are married, so the rest of it is irrelevant. Sounds like you need to end your marriage so that you can move on with your life, there’s nothing wrong with that. Good on this man for not taking things further.

Probably because he is too smart to shit on his own doorstep. As you said in your OP he literally works next door and you live in a village...

Sort your marriage out or divorce . Cheating is no justification to unhappiness with your spouse. It's really not smart no matter your situation.

He isn't into you, he just wants you to be into him. It feeds his ego. He likes the idea of married women fancying him. Probably a narcissist or similar.

Maybe time to call time on your marriage anyway though, if you're considering cheating with other men.

look - don’t feel bad. When unhappy and unfulfilled we do stupid things.
He backed off because he enjoyed the fantasy of chasing. It was exciting and fun.
But he isn’t ready for the reality of actually doing something. It’s risky and the fall out isn’t exciting or fun.
His marriage and his is on the line.

Just hold your head hi and keep going.

Thank you that’s really kind. I think I just feel so embarrassed by it all - he’s older than me, I don’t think I’m an unattractive person so I think it’s just my ego been totally battered. I feel that’s exactly it, he loved the chase and when he realised he could potentially have me, he changed his tune. I just mortified and it’s horrible I have to see him most days now.

It was probably just a bit of flirty fun and nothing serious.

OP - it wasn’t about ‘having you’. He wasn’t looking for someone to date.
He is probably a bit bored, or just was looking for excitement.
And he was/is of course attracted to you.
It’s about risk Vs reward with men like this.
Its just very risky. Lots to lose.

As to you - the real question - now what. You are clearly at the point of needing something more in your life. That being either a change in your marriage - you and H trying to rejuvenate it.
or you are on the market for an affair of sorts. Living in a small place - it won’t be easy and won’t end well.

Women who behave as he did used to be known as prick teasers (maybe they still are) and he demonstrates he is the male equivalent.

A shame he works next to your home so unavoidable. Be the better person from now on and any further hints from him just pretend you haven't heard.

Thanks for being so kind and non judgmental everyone. Because he is older than me, I’ve spent weeks wondering what is wrong with me, why he was seemingly initially willing to meet with me and now not. I appreciate it’s a marriage - as I have - but his rejection has made me feel terrible. I feel so stupid.

He was doing it for an ego boost.

Stop messaging him and don't get sucked into any personal chit-chat again if you see him around. It may be that he's a head-fucker and when he thinks you've lost interest will step up his attention again only to pull the rug out from under if he reels you in again.

If your marriage isn't great, either do something to sort it out or split up.

Are you perimenopausal age? Those hormones can make us attracted to the strangest of beings when a crumb of interest comes our way, particularly if other areas of our lives are lacking.

Another train of thought is, if your marriage was okay, you'd probably find the attention from this older man a bit creepy/sleazy, rather than flattering and exciting. You've now entered thrill of the chase territory, only it's you doing the chasing!

Stop messaging him though. You innocently threw yourself under the bus once. Why intentionally go back for more? If you do, it's your ego you're trying to flatter, not his (because somehow this will prove that you've still "got it", whatever "it" is).

Sounds like typical 'player' behaviour. I bet you are not the only one