I never ' found ' my anger but now I'm getting so angry

[anypoint]

So as not to drip feed, my marriage ended three years ago. He has an affair. The same man that spent the first five years of our married life studying and working as he didn't have qualifications and wanted them to climb the ladder. I had three kids in that time, worked full time and basically tears them single handedly so as to give him every opportunity to better himself. He never lifted a finger around the house and seemed incapable of paying a bill or organising a dinner.
Useless is the kindest word I could describe him as.
Anyway he reached the top of his game , had an affair with work colleague and took off leaving an utter shit storm in his wake.

Kids are doing ok. Two with special needs. Lots of Interventions and supports have helped. They have never forgiven him and don't really have anything to do with him anymore.
Me... I was relieved initiallly. The first year I focused totally on the kids and the move.
Second year I met a man who for the first year utterly love bombed me. Turns out , he is your classic covert narcissist. I've broken up with him a few months ago. We last three years in total. He was a balm when life was shit and when the kids were with dad back then which was eow , it was a welcome break and stress free 72 hours.

My issue is that I never got angry after my marriage needed but since I split with bellend bf and stopped drinking a bottle of wine per night to bury my reality, I've suddenly turned angry.

I'm not sure about what specifically but I hear myself being short and angry. I feel particularly pissed off when I hear of really shit things happening people.
I can't make sense f myself.
I don't care for my exh . We only communicate about kids.
Ex bf I'm well rid of so no regrets but oh, the anger !!!!
Anyone want to help me unpick?

I've had two courses of counselling and I remember distinctly at the beginning of the first set of sessions, she said to me...' you know ... you've really been let down ...' she felt that I hadn't realised the gravity of what had happened I suppose. This was 6 months later.

It can be normal for the unresolved feelings from a marriage ending to surface years later, especially after the end of the first significant relationship since your ex husband.

Two men have fucked you over and caused you pain. Your anger is a reaction to that and it’s normal, but can become unhealthy if you don’t process it properly. Is counselling an option for you again?

Feel it, acknowledge it and then find a way let it go before it destroys you x

Thank you.
How do you begin to process this properly and what type of fool allows asshole number two to fuck them over after asshole number one 😰

Completely normal. The body keeps score, its best to come out. Counselling helped me, im going to start it again soon, i think its going to be a permanent fixure in my life tbh as there is so much trauma.
I found work on reframing my thoughts, stopping unhelpful thought patterns useful, hopefully something like this will help you to lovely. Im sorry this happened. Men can be truly selfish.

You’re not a fool. It was them, not you.

The exact same thing happened to me. The new relationship wasn’t supposed to be serious, just a bit of relief and fun when I didn’t have my children. He was the most abusive, evil bastard I’ve ever met.

Rant, shout, write it all down, get out for walks, start running go to a boxing class…whatever works for you but allow yourself to feel it.

I decided to stay away from relationships for a while and work on myself, I didn’t trust myself to pick a good one and I’m not going through any of that shit again I’d rather stay single.

Do you have any real life support?

Because you believe in good people and judge by your own standards. You have to change this, sad but true. I had to become harder, it was never in my nature and very much stemmed from being a people pleaser/prioritising others needs and feelings over mine.
I have anxious attachment snd was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult which now i have done work on, makes complete sense and unfortunately cant get me my life back that was wasted but it does let me recognise stuff more and the dr helps in building skills to manage this.
Please dont be angry with yourself anymore, the old cliche applies here... you cant control someone elses actions but you can control your reaction. Xxxx

Could you be menopausal?

That gave me the rage like I'd never known; practically permanent pmt.

Could be worth getting checked out.

Yes! Write it down and burn the book. I did this. The self love podcast and long walks even when i couldnt eat or shower, i would at least listen to this and it helped.

open.spotify.com/episode/0MmLytRNHIkSUgGxjkZTaX?si=lqgSS4a4TUm9piWlWogKiQ&utm_source=copy-link

Because in order to truly live we have to take risks and this will involve finding love and getting hurt. And this has happened to you. Allow the anger. Your boundaries have probably been ripped to shreds. Write it down, draw it, scream somewhere remote, listen and watch how angry you can be when you are fucked off. Because this is you really living. And those fuckers will never again have access to you.
And then you when that is done enough, you breathe and move on.

How do you begin to process this properly and what type of fool allows asshole number two to fuck them over after asshole number one

im afraid that all roads lead to therapy here my dear

think of it as an investment so that number 3 is a good un

im Having the same , after ExP left I spent a year with a wrong un who broke my heart

we live , we learn x

Great great advice, thank you!
I am Menopausal but on hrt for a year. Although I did have a weird breakthrough bleed the other day despite having mirena in and urto100mg nightly orally...
No, I feel cross generally. Like I want to comment on really unfair judgements handed down by shitty judges on Facebook type anger 🤣 not me at all!!!
My kids are bemused.
My boss is kind but when I mentioned that I can be abrupt he replied by kindly saying that at least I know that I am,so can work on it 🤦🏻‍♀️😅 We are great pals so didn't take it personally but still...
I'll listen to that Spotify link.

I thought it may have been a screechy Alanis Morrisette number so was all
Ready to roar the car down in angst, a while ago.
I am so fucked off with myself. I allowed myself to behave like a simpering , fawning sex doll for him and yet he wasn't hugely into kissing or being intimate in certain other ways because he was so goddamn selfish and KNEW he had me in his pocket.
This fucker had NOTHING to offer me and yet I thought that HE was the prize!
I think it was divine intervention that helped me to find the strength to kick him off.
Needless to say, he is desperately trying to win back his silly fawning fool but I am ABSOLUTELY not for (re)turning.

Kickboxing/exercise class? Primal screaming? Burn their effigies? 😊

Think you need to redirect the angry energy so the kids and boss don't see it.

Maybe go back to the GP as well in case your hormone levels need adjusting.

Alcohol depresses your central nervous system, so if you were self-medicating with wine for a while and then stopped, your suppressed emotions will be wanting to come out and play.

Let them.

I am so sorry, you have had a shit time of it. Be angry all you want, it's better out than in!