Boundary setting and what’s appropriate to share

[Inchacha]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years but we’ve known each other for about 5. Before this I had been in a long emotionally and financially abusive marriage and most of the damage done is only just starting to surface as I pick my way through being in another relationship.

I’m having some counselling which has touched on this, and my boyfriend is upset that I don’t want to share the details of my conversations with my counsellor. He doesn’t see why I can’t talk to him about ANYTHING, but for me it’s really uncomfortable.

I’m not going to be guilted into doing something I feel uncomfortable about, I’ve healed enough to know this boundary for myself, but the fact he thinks this level of emotional vulnerability is just part and parcel of a deep and committed relationship is the bit I’m having trouble with. I just want to run away. I can’t work out whether healthy relationships include such openness or whether his hope of knowing my thoughts on subjects that are so personal/ uncomfortable/ shameful/ embarrassing/ scary/ disappointing/ painful/confusing etc etc etc to me is too much.

I struggle with knowing what’s reasonable. Part of me is saying that he’s overstepped the mark, but I don’t know whether this is just me bringing the shutters down emotionally and actually healthy adult relationships (of which I have no experience) do involve being this vulnerable with your partner.

What are your thoughts?

Your instincts are right. He's not entitled to know your every deepest most intimate thought. Everybody has the right to privacy and especially a private inner life.

The fact that he thinks a relationship isn't intimate or close enough unless you both spill your guts to each other suggests he himself has very weak boundaries and is co-dependent.

If you're doing work on yourself in counselling, it may naturally follow that you start to view your relationship and his behaviour through a different lens as you get more insight into yourself.

You're absolutely right op, he shouldn't even be asking, just supporting.

You need to leave him if he does not immediately stop this manipulation of you. No one is entitled to private, emotionally charged information that you don't wish to share. It is very alarming that he keeps pressuring you about this, and I fear you have once again ended up in an abusive relationship.

Tell him once more, and only once more, that you will only share what you are comfortable with and you do not want to be questioned about this again.

If I were you, I would have already dumped him. I do not accept this type of emotional terrorism from anyone.

The more counselling I have, the more I am worrying that actually I might have picked another wrong un

You don't have to tell him anything. He should respect that you don't feel comfortable yet. Counselling sessions are by nature private and no one not even a partner has an autonomic right to know details. Vulnerability and sharing happens naturally over time as the relationship evolves. If your partner can't accept that it's not a good sign.

You don't have to share your past with anyone. It's YOUR past. And any traumas you have can be kept to yourself or between you and your therapist or whomever you want to share them with. You're not obligated to share your hurt, insecurities, memories or past injury with anyone.

If for example, there is for example, something you don't want to do in a current relationship because of your past, then you say 'I don't want to do this' and that should be enough. You certainly don't owe an explanation of the past experience. 'No' is enough.

If you do feel your boundaries are not respected by this person , choose the single life. Partnwrs are to add warmth, joy and good company to our lives. Not stress, anxiousness and discomfort.

Also be aware that abusers often.push us to reveal vulnerabilities. So that they can use them against us at a later point.

I've been with my DH almost 16 years.

I've had counselling. I sometimes mentioned things I'd talked about but never in detail.

He's currently having counselling. I told him from the start that I wouldn't ask him what he discusses but if he ever wanted to share I would be happy to listen.

Your boyfriend is way overstepping here. If he insists and doesn't hear you, I'd be getting rid.

My gut is right isn’t it :(

Someone said to me the other day “just because he’s not an arse like your exh doesn’t mean you have to settle”

ah shit. I have to end it don’t I. He has trust issues too and I feel anxious every time I use my phone because he’ll pop up and say “why were you online and didn’t bother texting me”

My ex was like this. He wanted to know what I talked about in therapy and said I should share everything with him, there should be nothing secret between us. I tried to explain that we are entitled to our own private thoughts about things but he was very affronted by this. He too had trust issues and I later found out he had been stalking me, following me to friends’ houses and watching us through the window. He’d also get upset if I was ‘online’ but didn’t message him. It’s not the same man is it??

Your gut is correct. Get out before it gets worse.

He sounds very controlling and needy. Definitely not good. I would leave, 💯.

Ugh, your second post, red flags all the way.

Yeah, I think you have another controlling man there.

Who was the someone?

Might I suggest that you tell your counsellor about this, and that he is pushing you to divulge everything that you talk about in counselling sessions to him.

Red flags

• you can't use your own phone in peace without him jumping on you
• "trust issues" that he uses as an excuse to be controlling
• outside observer gently trying to steer you away from him
• you're putting together things in counselling that suggest he's a wrong un as well
• he's determined to find out what you're talking about in counselling (possibly because he knows his behaviours towards you won't look good) where you're discussing traumatic events from your past that are none of his business
• he thinks you should have no privacy from him
• he's guilting/emotionally blackmailing you

I thought I might have healed a bit more from my marriage than I obviously have. Fucks sake.

At least the counselling is having the desired effect, I might not have questioned any of this before.

Thank god I refused to move in together.

Well done for recognising it so soon!

You are getting stronger every day.

Dump him and move on. You're learning your boundaries. Well done ❤️

Ah 2 years! Maybe not as soon as I thought. But you're going in the right direction! :)

Don't beat yourself up - you're recognising the boundary-pushing, you did not go along with moving in together - and the behaviours don't usually start straight away but creep in and ramp up over time.

I thought I might have healed a bit more from my marriage than I obviously have. Fucks sake.

You've done some amazing healing. You’ve not told him things you feel are private to you, you’ve kept your counselling confidential. You haven’t moved in with him, you’re questioning his behaviour re your phone and you’ve been clear you don’t want the kind of controlling relationship he’s offering.

Thats all pretty good stuff. It’s not whether we can avoid an arse (some are hidden in plain sight), it’s what we do when we realise we’ve got an arse.

@category12 exactly this, behaviours have crept up slowly and when I sit and think about it there are a lot. I didn’t notice them before because they were very gradual but there is:

1/ jealous of any other man I even speak to
2/ does “favours” for me that I didn’t ask for and then uses these in arguments to try and suggest that I’m ungrateful and treating him poorly
3/ expects more of my time than I’m willing to give (I haven’t budged on this, quite proud)
and quite a lot else that I’m embarrassed about because I have literally only just realised how poor they are. I do think there was a lot of love bombing at the start too when I think about it.

Thinking about life without him is really pleasant and I’m actually looking forward to not having to manage his moods with my behaviour.

Boundaries: Don't do anything you don't want to, and if anybody tries to make you, distance yourself from them.

That's it. People spend year working this out, but it's that simple. If someone cares about you, they won't try to get you to do something that you don't want to do.

There is no overarching body or authority to tell us what is reasonable. Other than laws, there are no rules or even guidelines about what is right and what is wrong. We are each responsible for ourselves, and that means that we have to actively take care of ourselves, like we'd actively take care of a child. So if a child says to me 'My friend tries to make me tell him my secrets. I don't want to, so I say no. Then he tells me it's normal to share secrets, and tries to make me.' should I tell the child that he ought to share his secrets, because his friend says so?

You refer to 'putting the shutters down' on a healthy adult relationship as if it's a bad thing. But that's your boundaries making themselves heard. They are not shutting down a healthy relationship, they are shutting down a relationship, which indicates that it isn't healthy. In a healthy relationship, you will naturally open up. You won't have questions about yourself. You won't have questions about the other person, and it will all make sense to you, because all those instinctive feelings inside you that you're looking to criticise will be being respected, automatically. That's compatibility. That's a healthy relationship: not getting the right answers to these questions, but not having the questions in the first place.

Thinking about life without him is really pleasant and I'm actually looking forward to not having to manage his moods with my behaviour.

Good for you, and I think that this is concrete evidence that the counselling you're having is working already, albeit in a way that you didn't expect it to.