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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to support anxious friend?

6 replies

moita · 20/01/2023 14:30

She's great fun but a real worrier and very anxious person.

Recently this had got worse. She's taking comments personally and is paranoid that people are judging her. I've mentioned counselling to her before (I found CBT useful in the past) but she refuses to get professional help. Her DH is a lovely man but is getting worn down by her behaviour and unfortunately so am I.

I feel totally out of my depth. Yesterday I spent 3 hours with her just listening and trying to be supportive. This morning she wanted me to talk with her again but I had a job interview so couldn't.

I struggle myself with a SEN child and money issues.

I also feel sometimes she feels better about getting all her worries out but that then leaves me feeling sad and worried?

How do I get better at putting boundaries in place?

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 20/01/2023 16:24

This sounds exhausting. If she genuinely feels paranoid then that sounds like more than anxiety and she should speak to her G.P. Also she is being very selfish and inconsiderate towards you, monopolising your time and refusing to seek professional help. You really have no option but to tell her that you feel out of your depth, and that she must seek counselling. lts all very well to use you as a sounding board but this repetitive monopolising of your time can be very draining and depressing.

DPMismyfavouritecolour · 21/01/2023 14:24

In answer to your question about putting boundaries in place, the short answer is: just do it. But ask yourself what that would look like. Do you want to keep her as a friend, but could only deal with 30 minutes phone chat a week? Is she so draining that you no longer have the ability to support her and want no contact? Would you be able to talk to her husband, support him to get her help? Depends if he wants to deal with it, I suppose, and it's so hard to get help anyway. Any of those, or anything else, is up to you. Sounds like you have enough to deal with in your life, you do not have to give so much it leaves you drained. Christ, even if you had everything going perfectly with loads of money, it's not okay for her to demand your time like that! Full disclosure, I had a family member who went downhill like this, then at least one friend who was very similar. It was too much, I had to leave them to it for my own sanity, and I don't say that lightly, it was either cut contact or sink with them. Paranoia, which you've strongly hinted is getting really bad, I found too much to deal with, you're right you are out of your depth, this needs professional help.

In the case of a now ex-friend, I didn't have the bottle to cut her off immediately, even though it had got so bad I was ignoring 15 missed calls in as many minutes. It took my partner to say, when I finally sought his advice (he's very good at staying out of things unless asked), you just need to do it, so I texted to say do not contact me again, and to be fair she didn't. But looking back over that and my family situation, I had poor boundaries for it because to me, it was normal, due to said family member. I thought it was okay to let my friend(s) get worse and worse, never seeking help, yet demanding my time to (not) deal with their problems. I've heard occasionally from mutual friends that she's just as bad now as over 5 years ago when that happened. Sad as it is, she simply won't get help. As I say, up to you if you want to stay in touch, keep suggesting GP and/or counselling, work with her husband maybe, take a break or stop contact, but do look after yourself and your child first. And don't let your friend near your child, as I hope my story illustrates, it's not good to let youngsters think this kind of relationship is normal, it's not and it sets them up to repeat that dysfunction in their adulthood. Good luck.

moita · 21/01/2023 14:28

Really really helpful. Thank you both

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 21/01/2023 14:49

Yes. Your boundaries are based on what you feel you can offer and where you draw the line.

That line? That's your boundary.

moita · 21/01/2023 15:37

Yes and to be honest I don't think I'm helping her..as much as I listen and reassure her it's professional support she needs

OP posts:
Thistlelass · 22/01/2023 05:41

She needs an assessment by a CMHT.

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