What is wrong with me?

[Melocoton]

What is wrong with me?? I have posted before about being in an 8 month relationship with a bf who revealed persecutory delusions. I decided to continue to see him and over time feelings grew stronger! For the last few months, he hasnt been working and I have really tried to help him with this by creating him CVs, helping him with job applications etc yet, despite having strong skills as a qualified electrician has not found a job.
This means he cant move out of his marital home where he has been living since he separated a year ago. It also means that I pay for everything and I mean everything which is difficult as I am financially stretched myself. I have gone along with it as the feelings were so strong and I was refusing to see it as being used.

I have now asked more recently about the status and future of our relationship and he maintains he is taking it slow and refuses to “define” it other than we are seeing each other! I felt so disappointed and used as when together he acts like we are a couple etc and so I decided to end it as too many red flags such as he also has no friends etc.

My dilemma is that, as a rational, logical person , why am
i so devastated that its over when I know its wrong on every level and I deserve more? Any advice, wise words!

I would read into this that he is doing all he can to stay his marital home . ( maybe in hope of reconciliation) I have a feeling your being played and commitment is not going to be forthcoming. If he really wanted you he’d do all he can to earn cash and move out . You obviously deserve better . No one can tell you what to do that is entirely your choice to make. I would however cut my loses and find someone nice who wants you for you rather than a backup plan if marriage stays off . Sorry to put it that way but it’s the way it seems . Good luck on whatever you decide.

Because your feelings were minimised by your parents as a child, so the pattern you recognise as 'love' is: get treated in a way you don't enjoy or think is ok, but stay and keep trying and trying to feel better, rather than walking away.

Am I anywhere close?

actually pretty spot on and am looking at exploring this in an attempt to redress the issue as guess what, the ones who are available and kind dont attract me! It took a huge amount of courage to end it after much turmoil and soul searching!

Your feelings may be strong, but they're for a person who only exists in your head. The real-life guy could sort himself out but has chosen not to. Whatever his reasons for being so crap, I can categorically say that it's not because there's something "wrong" with you.

You've been conditioned somehow to put up with "broadly acceptable at best, downright miserable the rest of the time". It's tough to break out of those self-defeating thought processes, but I would recommend Better Help - it's an online therapy thing that I found really useful, and they're more affordable than F2F therapy.

Good luck x

Don't treat him like a supportive spouse when he can't even define your relationship , being kind and helpful is a good trait but not at his cost to take advantage. You gave him too much of your time and emotion and money on a man that didn't want a relationship with you, all you can do is learn and not give too much of yourself before it is deserved.

Thank you all for your posts, I kind of knew i was being taken advantage of and this helps alot!

Whatever you do don't let him move in with you.

Well done on ending it.

I would definitely take some time, and if you can afford it, do some therapy to work on why you're attracted to emotionally unavailable types and fixer-uppers, and building yourself some belief that you deserve more and better boundaries for future relationships.