Separating post affair

[Fivesixseven8]

Can you continue to have a solid family unit post separation/ divorce?

We're separating after a very long relationship with 3 children.

He had an affair, made me feel like I was going mad for months constantly changing between being nasty, looking for arguments to being overly lovey, rocking between wanting to work on our relationship (never actually doing anything about bar a reluctant dinner) to saying there is no point.

He was trying to keep me hanging on but push me far enough away that he could do what he was doing with less guilt.

He told me I wasn't happy in our relationship really, that I was just kidding myself.

He generally made me feel like I was going mad and I cried every day for months.

We're separating now as he still can't admit the details of the affair, he still can't say he whole heartedly wants our relationship. I'm humiliated everyone in our local area apparently knew about this until eventually an anonymous email arrived. I'm still unpicking details from other people as he minimised it in the beginning and the extent has grown as I've had to ask other people. Its all embarrassing.

The only way forward I can see is us separating but I don't want to hurt our children. We still love each other and still enjoy each others company and I'd like to keep him in my life. I suggested we split amicably, keeping our family unit but dividing it between two homes, still having days out together and spending time together often. Obviously not every day but regularly. He actually suggested this during one of the cycles of the pushing away and pulling me back over the affair span. Now he is saying it can't work like that, when he meets someone new he wants to build his family unit around them and not me. Am I setting myself up for more hurt? I would like to prioritise our family and see additional partners as something that comes much lower on priorities.

Yes you are.

This man doesn’t respect you. I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this but you need to have a clean break.

Your children will be fine if you both handle it correctly, lots of reassurance and not speaking ill of each other. He destroyed your family, not you and although it’s really scary you are better off pulling the plaster off and concentrating on you and your children.

To be blunt, I think it's a terrible idea OP. Essentially what happens here is that you end up never being able to move on with your life whilst teaching your kids that this is a normal setup of having parents together but not together and never showing any love or affection etc. It'll be even more bizarre of your ex then talks to the kids or just mentions someone else about someone he's met or similar and your there.

You'd also be dragging out the relationship breakdown which could have a quite negative effect on you too, particularly as it sounds like DH is planning on moving on.

It always seems like a good idea, as it feels like a halfway house to minimise the hurt, and you still have half a relationship, or you think you'll get the food bits of him, you won't though. He's actually right. It won't work and eventually you'll also want to meet someone new and build a new relationship, and that person won't want to come second fiddle to your shitty ex, and you won't want him to either.

Put in place firm boundaries with your ex, good routine for the dc and you and you'll never look back.

I was in your situation and we went round in circles for 3 years before splitting, and honestly I wish I'd done it sooner. I'm now happily married and don't even think of my ex any longer. The kids are happy as I put in firm boundaries and stuck to a contact schedule with my ex.

So, I think this is the approach my DPs ex wife has been trying to take - an assumption that even since they have separated the family unit will be maintained and relationship that will be strongest in his life emotionally will still be with her. Somehow that if he had a gf she'd be lower priority, just there for sex, little more.

And that's not how it's turned out, and she's struggling emotionally seeing him move on with someone else.

The family unit relationship that matters most is with his kids, not you as the ex partner. Priority should be kids, any new partner and perhaps you, out of respect and friendship as the mother of his children, but nothing more.

That doesn't mean no days out but it means don't fool yourself you will be the most important woman in his life, his affair has already indicated your relationship wasn't giving him what he needed

Agree with PP - there’s no point pretending that you, your H and the DCs are still a family unit. You are separating and there will be 2 family units going forward - you and the DCs and him and the DCs.

What you are describing would cause huge confusion to the DCs. They would learn strange marital dynamics and wonder why you can’t all just live together, and it would make it so much harder for you to move on.

You can still co-parent reasonably and sensibly. Some of the most functional families I know are families with separated parents who co-parent well and some of the most functional adults I know were raised in such units.

Sorry you’re going through this, OP, but you will get to a good place.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It rebounds like you want to map out exactly how everything will be post-split but life is too messy for that. I'd say just take it one day at a time. Yes maybe you'll still have family days out, maybe you won't. Just see how things evolve. Your husband created this awful mess. It's not up to you to find the perfect resolution. Just focus on creating a happy home for your children where they feel secure. Your relationship with your husband will sort itself out over time.

Same here! My DH exW deffo found this hard, we still can’t mention our wedding which was two years ago! 😂

And I am both a first and second wife so I do see this from both perspectives.

Although it’s based on good intentions this doesn’t really work as time goes on.

New partners are not “bolt-ons” to your previous family life. It’s great if everyone gets on of course, we have family celebrations with my nowH, his exW and her DP plus kids and it’s fine. But much more than that would mean no one can move on.

You sound lovely, your children will be fine.

Thanks for the replies. I understand what you're saying and I'm probably not thinking about this with a level head or from the perspective of a new partner. I'm fixating on trying to map out a future when I probably just need to think of the short term?

I'm so hurt at the moment. When I try and think long term I can't imagine a life where I'll be happy again. I had everything I ever hoped for and I'm so sad. I was a good partner. He obviously wasn't getting what he needed from me no, but I don't feel like he tried. He said he wasn't having fun with me, and found that with the girl he was seeing. She's a lot, lot younger than us, no responsibilities, all the fun. I feel like I've been jealous and upset for weeks but I do feel like I'm on the way out of it.

Its not your fault, he's chasing the carefree parts of life and romance for his own reasons. Every relationship eventually involves washing up, sorting the dishes and drying children's tears. Some people are just not cut out for the hard parts of family life and relationships. Fair weather husband etc. You were a good partner, which means you will be again. It is difficult, but let go of half way house solutions, even without affairs I've never seen them work. It confuses the children when one of you moves on, causes prolonged upset, and means one or both of you have half a foot in the past.

Also, I know it doesn't feel like it now but when you finally get out of this and his headgames and maybe meet someone, he will not be a priority. If he's a good father and a reasonable coparent you'll spend 95% of your time not thinking of him at all

Sounds like he went to the other woman and said you two would continue as a family unit for the DCs she’s said no way.

Let the prick go. Fully go.

All you can control is what you do. You can resolve to be calm, amicable and open for discussion. He will be whatever he is - and judging from what you’ve said, he will continue to be a liar, untrustworthy, weak, and focused entirely on his own wants and needs. Maybe he will sometimes want to be a good co-parent, maybe sometimes he’ll be a toxic, obstructive and malicious dick.

Good luck OP. Stay strong.

Agree that when the shock has subsided you will not want to spend a second longer with him than you have to.

When your self worth recovers you won't want him anywhere near you.

How can you look at him without feeling revulsion?

The trauma of it has you in denial but you'll soon get there.

You need to put you and your children first. He's shown you what kind of man he is. He has put himself and his needs first. You and your children are at the bottom of the heap. Separation and divorce will only exacerbate this.

I meant to write in my earlier message that I felt exactly as you do when I first split up with my exH. I still wanted to do all the family stuff, but in hindsight I’m glad he wasn’t able to.

Im not surprised you feel as you do, it’s so unfair and not your fault.
You will be ok.

Yes, totally understandable you feel that way. I felt exactly the same at one stage, early on. Not being a family felt unthinkable and I tried to do all that stuff together with ex (who also had an affair and left for much younger woman, like you). It caused me huge hurt. It was part of being in denial and believing I was cushioning things for my child (though I think it just confused her).

I am all for collaborative coparenting, OP, but you need the space to get over this and get him out of your system, and rebuild your family unit without him.

Good luck and I am so sorry he's done this to you.

But the good news is, there IS happiness waiting for you. I suspect you will gradually become more and more aware of how you have been living and compromising your own needs, to work around his selfishness. You will have the joy of refinding yourself and be able to carve a new family life with your DC.

If it's anything like me, you will end up way happier than you were before!

Don’t do that. We did that for 12yrs. 12 long years. It’s only stopped now as we both want to move on and have started dating other people. Everyone praised our maturity being able to holiday together despite being apart, but it only worked as no-one else was involved. It now feels like we are splitting the family again in some way. You need to separate, and move on eventually. Good luck

What a selfish pig. Don't put any balls in his court for him to fire back at you. Don't try to help him because he has hurt you. It will only make him despise you more.
Walk away from him and let him work it out for himself because the grass will never be greener elsewhere

I would really think long and hard before you decide to be too much of a family post-separation. We did that, even going on holiday as a family the first summer and him coming to the house for dinner a couple of times a week - all to minimise disruption for the kids, or so we thought.
It felt to all intents and purposes like we were still married and it rubbed along fine, we got on a lot better actually - but of course he was quietly internet dating like crazy in the background and then found a (younger obvs) partner.
That made a big difference, particularly to me, it made me annoyed for being so accommodating and making it all so easy for him (he was the cheater and the reason we broke up) and I began to feel resentful and quite bitter.
With hindsight, I wish we had set clear boundaries from the start and been amicable but much more business-like about it all, it would have protected me from a second layer of upset and feelings of humiliation. And I think if we had handled it in a grown up way the kids would have been fine, they weren't that young and they would have coped.
Looking back now I can see that actually I wanted to keep the semblance of a family going because I was upset about the marriage ending and he wanted it that way because it made him feel less guilty about his behaviour and about leaving. It wasn't really about the kids. So do think long and hard about it and protect yourself. It's hard to move on as it is and keeping too much contact makes that so much harder.

Thank you so much for sharing your own stories and advice it really helped yesterday when I was struggling to see a happy future apart. We still live together now until we sell, which has made it difficult to establish feeling like we're totally moving on and I've had to remind him a couple of times.

Damage is done. Sooner you clue up, the sooner you can move on. You can't move forwards while looking back.

Cut ties, make child and financial arrangements and then move on.

He wants you to make the decision for him (to end it) so do it.

He wants to have his cake and eat it, and make you pay for it, and blame you for ‘making him’ feel bad about it. What a prince.

OP, if you let him stay in your life he will hurt you more and more till he finally dumps you. Probably picking you up and dropping you again a few times along the way, if you let him, as his various girlfriends see what a prick he is and dump him.

I’m sorry he is doing this to you. You sound lovely and you deserve so much better. He doesn’t deserve you. Please give yourself and DC a clean break from this selfish user. You may be amazed how much happier you start feeling, fairly soon after you’ve moved on.

Best of luck with it all.

You may indeed feel better once you move on - or you may not at first. For some people it's a relief to end a relationship that isn't working but I suspect from what you have written you may not be in this camp and it may hurt a lot and take a long time to get over.

But this is not a reason to stay because if you stay together you will definitely get hurt further down the line by this man. He has already let you down by cheating and he isn't making enough effort to make amends for that which shows that he doesn't really care and has checked out of your relationship.

I think you definitely do need to separate but do prepare yourself for how much this might hurt. Make sure you have people in your life who will support you and listen to you when you are down and consider counselling if you can afford it.

Ending a long term relationship like yours involves grief and you will go through a grieving process which will be tough.

And prepare yourself for him jumping into another relationship and how that might feel.

I don't mean to be negative and you may find things don't work out this way, but if you have looked at the "dark side" and prepared as much as you can for it then hopefully your journey to better times will be that much easier.

I wish you lots of luck xx

You deserve so much more. Your family life as you know it has gone. He’s disrespecting you and you need to have a clean break in order to move on. The trust is gone forever

Hi OP, I could have written this post down to the exact detail…3 kids, husband had an affair, made me feel like I was going mad for over a year with the change in his behaviours etc which was resulting in me being unhappy and letting that known.
Somehow I was just made to feel like the ungrateful wife that was never happy, i had the worst year last year as a result of his behaviour.
Then jan this year I discovered the affair.
I’d be keen to know where you are now in the process a couple months on and how are you and the kids?
❤️