Help - suddenly feel uncomfortable being intimate

[changingmynamethistime]

I don't really know what I hope to accomplish by posting this but I guess someone may be able to help me articulate how I'm feeling because I'm really not even sure. Think I just need to actually get it off my chest.

Me and partner have been together for 4 years, have a toddler, and our relationship is strong in most ways. We've had ups and downs sure but I'm struggling to find him attractive.
We've both put on weight, so I think this is a factor (more self-loathing on my side of things than a problem with his weight gain). But it's just more than that. He just gives me the complete ick. His voice, his mannerisms, the way he does things. It's become hard to deal with, I don't even like spending time with him right now - which I think could be more to do with me being introverted and wanting alone time, considering I get none with a toddler.

I don't know how to feel about everything. When we go to be intimate, which is few and far in between right now (but he has the energy for p*rn at least twice a week which makes me feel worse about things), I end up just freezing and saying no, I can't do this. It feels like my skin is crawling honestly and I don't know why. I've never been like this, my drive has always been super duper high.

What can I do? We have virtually no childcare and due to work hours for us both we hardly have time to 'date' again and revive things. Honestly he's a great man, he's moved heaven and earth for me multiple times, I hate myself for feeling this way about my partner and best friend.

This sounds really hard, please don't hate yourself for it though - you feel how you feel, and that's valid.
At first I wondered if you might be feeling "touched out" by having your toddler wanting to be near you constantly, but it sounds like more than that. From what you're saying it's not just sexual intimacy you can't face, it's that everything he does is irritating you and turning you off.
Is there anything deeper that might have caused this? Is he doing his equal share of childcare/housework etc? Do you feel supported by him? Have there been any unresolved conflicts or anything that's not being addressed in the relationship.

I'm also wondering, when you look at him e.g if he's getting undressed for bed or whenever, do you still know that he is attractive, despite not feeling attracted to him in that moment? Or do you not feel that he's objectively handsome/attractive anymore?

Lastly, please please be kind to yourself. Don't feel guilty for how you're feeling as that'll only make things worse. You've a young child, your relationship has probably changed immeasurably and you're more than likely fucking knackered. Don't put pressure on yourself to be intimate, but do start to have a think about where this is coming from, so it's clearer in your head. And then if things don't get better, you can have a conversation with your partner about it.

Good luck

@Allelbowsandtoes
Touched out and fucking knackered are extremely accurate right now. 😅
I've taken on a lot right now, I stay at home 8-5pm with baby and then work evenings and I'm also in the second year of a degree.

He does everything and then some when he's home. The one thing he hasn't and never has done is cook...he's useless at it, but that doesn't really bother me. He does all the night feeds, he's paying for crèche one day a week so I have a day to myself, he has given me the opportunity to be a stay at home mum completely and leave work but to be honest I think I need the adult interaction.

I think it's just hard having a toddler all over me all day, he bites, kicks, has tantrums, wants to be held. It's exhausting.

Objectively my partner is still just as handsome, his weight gain doesn't bother me. He hasn't put a foot wrong in our four years together. He's done everything a man can do (apart from cook lol). I feel really guilty for feeling this way, to be honest I think it might be more of a reflection of myself than him. I always feel like he can do better than me. He's a high earner, I'm not. He's handsome, I'm average looking at best. He's very patient and kind and I'm highly strung. Also, he comes from a middle class ish family and my family are pretty much lowest working class/all unemployed (sounds stupid, but sometimes I feel like his family judges me for it).

I just wonder why it's suddenly after so long come to this point where I can't stand to be near him, he hasn't changed at all and I still love him deep down.

Thank you for your kind words too 🙏

You’ve been together four years and have a toddler so I’m guessing your child came quite soon into the relationship? Maybe sooner than planned? Relationships go through lots of evolution and currently, yours is being tested most of all. Nothing tests it more than kids.

Do you think it might be just related to not having enough me-time if you're introverted. Maybe you could arrange some times at weekends where you get a couple of hours to yourself and he gets a couple of hours to himself.

Could you not get in some paid for childcare, maybe through an agency or thr nursery your child goes to, to get some time to yourselves. It seems very tough for you at the moment.

Well, I would have an issue with porn twice a week. How do you know it's twice a week, does he announce it or something?

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor no announcements, and twice is an 'average'. I only know because he not so subtly sneaks into the bathroom. It really irritates me to be honest.

@BunchHarman @Stunningscreamer Yes, alone time is a must for me but I do get a day alone a week as said (through creche). To be honest, it sounds like a lot but I spend most of that time studying or working overtime/covering so it's much of a break usually.
The baby came after a year/nearly two or so of being together, and we have coped pretty well all things considered. I just don't know if it's having a toddler, if it's me, him, or why I even feel this way. The p*rn irritates me but to be honest I don't really care that much, we have always been open in that way. It irritates me more now because of how I feel about myself, which I never used to. Agh. I just don't know what to do.

I think I'd get the ick pretty damn quick of my so called great husband was doing that!

I agree with everything the other posters have said but also wanted to share that I went through something a bit similar a few years ago when I changed my contraceptive to the pill from the implant. Like it totally completely robbed me of any desire for my husband and I would just freeze and push him away (that’s the bit from your post that made me reply) I thought there was something really wrong with me / us at the time.

obvs you have other issues going on but wanted to mention in case u recently changed contraceptive x

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor porn use us something done people don't like. Others have no problem with. Men and women. The OPs OH sounds like a great partner

I agree that hormonal contraception can have an effect on desire, is that something that you have changed? Also your negative feelings about yourself could have an impact, your self esteem sounds rock bottom. It might be worth considering some counselling to help unpick these feelings.

It's not really that simple and it's not about porn. Sure it's not great when I feel this way, but I've been constantly pushing him away and have never actually said don't watch porn'. Even I used to when I didn't feel crappy about myself.
There's no point asking him to be celibate. He is a great husband too, I know if I asked him to stop he would...

Hi, that's a good point. Not using contraception just protection but I have had no end of problems since having my little one.
Missed periods, late/early periods, intense bloating and ovulation pain, missed ovulation and lots of hair loss, weight gain and swelling.
That definitely hasn't helped the mood. I'm being investigated for thyroid issues and have an ultrasound coming up to check for cysts etc.
It's crazy because I conceived so easily and never had issues before. x

Yes, he is a great partner. Which is why it's so horrible I feel the way I do.
I suppose all this typing and talking today has made me realise that perhaps the issue lies within myself. :(

OP, all those physical problems you are experiencing could definitely have a big impact on your libido and your mood. It's good that you are having your thyroid checked as thyroid disorders can occur post pregnancy and can also cause fatigue, weight gain hair loss etc.

But it really irritates the OP so it IS a problem.

I don't have young DC but I'm very introverted and if my energy is very low I can't bear to be touched. Physical health issues also contribute to this.

It can sound silly but people who are very introverted often have more sensitive nervous systems and this can play a part in feeling turned off when in complete overwhelm.

So it might not be an issue with intimacy per se but how you're coping right now and the way it's manifesting.

Could you try finding ways to be emotionally close that help bridge the gap? I don't have a problem with porn at all and me and me and dp both watch it but the sneaking off to watch it in the bathroom would annoy me.

This is massively relevant OP. It may not be ALL of the issue but I would be amazed if it isn't responsible for a significant proportion of it.

Posted too soon, bum. Also meant to add, are you on any anti-depressants? some of them can massively lower libido.

I'm exactly the same, very introverted and find myself around people constantly...I just want to close myself in a room and not come out for days right now.
And yeah, in all fairness I'm not sure where else he would go but it is annoying. 😅 I actually have booked for us to go for a nice meal tomorrow...fingers crossed that'll do something^ to help. He doesn't even know I feel the way I do, he's happy and ignorant, I just hope I can get over how I'm feeling for our sake and the sake of my son.

Oh my god I'm the OP and realised I accidentally went back to my normal username. Ffs busted. Nvm no one IRL knows I'm on here I guess.

How does this happen? Don't you have to go into settings to change your username?

I don't even know. I was on my laptop earlier while writing the post and am now on my phone. I guess it just stayed the same on my phone.
I'm not very tech wise and tbh I now feel like an idiot. But yeah...no harm done 🤦‍♀️