Struggling with childhood memories and resentment

[PurpleSky300]

I just wondered if anyone else sometimes struggles to come to terms with their past.' I find myself dwelling on things eg

• my dad was violent to my mum but it took 10 years to leave. Neither of them ever acknowledged that I witnessed it. I can't comprehend why she left us in that situation

• my Mum was a heavy drinker and never paid any attention to my schooling. We lived in poverty and I went to school in unwashed uniform a lot and got bullied

• my parents did not do right by pets. At one point, our house was infested with fleas and my parents did nothing, we all got bitten to hell and back and the cat never saw a vet.

• I had to care for my grandma when she got dementia and I didn't do a good job. My grandma didn't get the care she deserved and I feel very guilty

In 20 years, things have changed a lot. I have my own life, I'm comfortable, good job etc. My mum stopped drinking, got a job, sorted herself out and she's a different person. My dad is ashamed, we have a difficult relationship but we try to move on.

They have changed for the better and I do recognise that. But sometimes I am just CONSUMED by resentment and part of me wants to rub their face in it. I would never ever make the decisions they made. I'm furious that they were so shit. I want them to say it and acknowledge it and nobody ever will. It eats away at me and I feel horribly guilty and complicit in it all.

I just wanted to say what a bloody incredible bunch of women (poss men too) you all are - please take a moment to appreciate you have been through more than most ever have, and yet your here still standing.

I too question my upbringing, angry at my dads drinking, being on benefits and still continuing to have children, their cigarette habit (incl around us) which on a reduced income is appalling, the messy house that my siblings and I didn’t see and invited friends round until we became aware friends laughed about it. Other things also like the suicide of a parent at a young age because of their own selfish actions and then lack of any ANY emotional support from the remaining parent.

However, the best thing we had is each other, we all recall it in the same way and also we appreciate others, as I’m reading, had it so much worse - there were no beatings, we always had food but no real love or attention and our emotional needs were never considered. We all still struggle in that we have made the wrong choices and act out in a way those with a stable home probably wouldn’t, but we’re well overall.

I loved @Watchkeys advice, beautifully put thank you x

@ItsaMetalBand

I think I also need to find someone who will listen to that little girl

It's you who needs to listen to her. Respect her. Love her. Appreciate her voice.

When I did this, I was absolutely furious for a while. I started to write down everything that I'd felt I wasn't 'supposed' to say, and after quite a short time, I actually went out to buy a red pen. There were a lot of exclamation marks, a lot of capitals, a lot of underlining. I thought that what I wrote (over a period of weeks and probably months) was the incoherent ranting of a mad person (me), but when I read it back, from the beginning, I could really see why I'd been so upset. This was the first time I validated my own feelings, and felt that I wasn't 'faulty', I'd just been treated badly.

After a while, the fury died down. Like a tantrumming child, once she was heard and understood, she calmed down. Over a period of probably only a few months, she turned from a raging, screaming, unpredictable, seeming lunatic, into my boundaries. She still speaks, and now I listen. I treat her like an actual child that I have responsibility for. If she says 'I don't like the way that person is treating me', I don't say 'Be quiet! That's really not acceptable, stop being so difficult!', I do what I'd do with a real person: 'Shall we go somewhere else, then? Shall we just stop being around him? Shall we go and have some hot chocolate somewhere nice, or read a book?'

Life is much calmer once you realise that part of you is always meant to be a child, and it's your responsibility to look after all parts of you. You will always have a part that has a bit of a tantrum when you have to take even more washing out of the machine, or you get home and realise you've forgotten the necessary stock cubes for dinner. You may always have a part of you that's sensitive to things that remind you of people who treated you badly, just like a dog bite victim might always be afraid of dogs. But the right thing to do is to respect that part, not over ride it.

I paid for counselling for a year, so I'm glad it's useful if I pass on some of what I learned... might save some money and time for someone!

I want to forgive them both more than I want to hold on to all this anger. I just wish they "saw" it through my eyes. And because they minimise it all I just can't do it. I need to purge myself mentally somehow.

OP you have been through so much. You have tried to see things from your parents perspective. The problem with anger is that it hurts you.
Someone once told me to visualise that little girl you were and think about what you would say to that little girl. I found that incredibly helpful for me.
It’s possible to move on past the anger but you need to make it about you and not about your parents. They have buried their heads in the sand instead of putting your needs first and validating your experiences. Put yourself first now OP.

buy the book "Complex PTSD" by Pete Walker, it addresses all your issues and how to help yourself heal from a difficult early childhood. Also check out the CPTSD subreddit on reddit.

Hi
I have had counselling/hypnotherapy to address childhood trauma- it was very helpful and I feel much lighter as a result.
Please try it X

This is so true,it goes down and down the generations. As an adult, I can totally see that they were damaged and parenthood was unexpected, they had very little resources, etc - just like you describe with yours. Your own childhood makes such on a mark on you but when you're a kid you think your parents are invincible and you don't consider this stuff, so it is a weird thing to come to terms with.

And my dad has similar issues in that his mother is 90 now and still won't acknowledge anything bad happened in his childhood, that was just the discipline of the day and the fathers had their role, etc.

I will, thank you so much for these recommendations.

All we can do is break the cycle. My friend, for example, had a violent, sadistic bully for a father. He was one of those men who crave power over something. He had lots of dogs, that he beat and tormented, and he had lots of kids for the same reason. In the real world, nobody gave him any respect (because he was an ignorant, boring hick), so he built a little kingdom of his own, and in his little world he was Stalin. Vile man.

My friend and his brothers have sworn not to continue the cycle of abuse, however. They have a sort of agreement among themselves. They discipline and correct their children, but are also very gentle and loving towards them. It’s an impressive sight.

I agree generational unresolved pain will continue unchecked until somebody manages to face and accept it. Truly the sins of the fathers are visited on the children!
’It didn’t start with you’ Mark Wolynn is a good book, if you feel this in your family.
Courage and love to all of us