Wwyd

[joan12]

I got married to a man I loved.

Over time he has become more and more angry. he takes it out on me all the time, not physically, but by becoming very angry with me.

We have three children. He is 23 years older than I am

There are other relationship difficulties.He struggles with ED, but somehow makes it my 'fault' I feel as if I don't exist as a total human being around him

I have also fallen in love with someone else, simply because he talks to me reciprocally -- I mean there is a dialogue rather than a lecture

I don't want to ruin my children's lives with a divorce; they have been quite affected by COVID and the anxiety surrounding this.

But I also know we are not modelling a caring relationship and I wonder what they take in from it all.

Any advice would be very gratefully received.

I was in a very similar situation - 23 yrs older, very angry, everything my fault. Very controlling, he expected me to follow orders, which isn't really in my nature. Only 1 child though. Well, I left. He was starting to talk to me really shittily in front of DS and that's not what I wanted for him, or myself.

Forget the other man, he's a red herring. If this relationship is worth getting out of - and it sounds like it is - then it's worth getting out of, not just because you think you can monkey-branch into your next relationship. You would probably benefit from being single for a while anyway.

PS you might, furthermore, find that the OM has cottoned on to the fact that you are in a shitty marriage and very unhappy, and that speaking to you nicely being might be a way into your pants. So please don't factor him into your plans. Make your decision based on what's right for YOU and your kids.

You should leave because you’re being abused. Ring women’s aid to get practical support with this.

You wont want to hear this, but be very careful with OM. He has no business being involved in your marriage and there is a type of man who is very attracted to vulnerable women. Leave for yourself.

Forget the other bloke and focus on getting your family settled without the bully. Don't hesitate either. Damage limitation and all that. Good luck.

Your kids will be affected and it will change how they live their adult life. I think with all due respect to you (as I’m talking more generally here) that many women use it as an excuse not to leave when they say they don’t want to disrupt the kids. Yet they allow their children to grow up with a terrible example of a loving relationship and often living in a horrible atmosphere and believe me (as I was one of those children) it will be something that lives with them and affects how they do things in the future. Either getting into bad relationships themselves or going the other way and doing everything in their power to not allow their own children to grow up like that. You don’t want your kids sitting in counselling in 20yrs time resenting you. Leave, allow yourself to be happy with someone else or be happy single.

Thank you all. I posted because I wanted external views, and I appreciate them because it is hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes. We have some weeks that are OK, and I think I can bear it, then other times that are just awful. And I also think, why should I just bear, survive and get through life. That's what the women in my family have done, and it hasn't done anyone any good. I know the OM is a red herring, and he is also actually a very decent, solid person who wouldn't get involved in something messy anyway, which is part of the reason I like him. I do need to consider doing something different just for myself and from my own perspective. I am just never quite sure if upheaval is the way to go Vs stability but with unhappiness.

I know exactly what you mean - I would have stayed if it had been bearable all the time, but those times seem to get fewer and farther between. You don't expect it to be wine and roses every day of married life, but you don't expect it to be actively abusive either, and why should you? I am glad that you have learned from the women in your family that staying and putting up with it isn't the answer.

End both relationships and concentrate on your children. Find happiness again when you're ready x