Young DC, marriage and sex

[lifeafterdc]

Has anyone with young DC experience of reinvigorating their sex life within a marriage please?

We have young preschool DC and I work (run my own business plus part-time lecture). I'm a wife, mum, and daughter to elderly unwell parents so I have many plates spinning.

Our sex life has been pretty rubbish since our 2 year old was born. I had a crap time with soreness down below which made sex excruciating and it took 18 months for me to get a gynae referral and get some proper treatment. That obviously didn't help, and then there's the usual reasons I never feel up for it- carrying extra weight, mum bod, c-section scar, and most of all feeling exhausted most nights. My two year old is struggling with sleep at the moment and we have a sleep consultant helping but it's been quite bad. I often yearn for sleep and at the moment I really crave early nights. I hope that one day maybe when DC a bit older I might be less tired in the evenings?

If I had a magic wand I would love our sex life to be as it was before DC, but I would need to wave that magic wand at myself primarily to help me feel up for it.

My DH has expressed his unhappiness as our sex life has been rubbish since our 2.5 year old was born. He was honest and open about it and he had been really supportive with everything but he said he feels worried that we are just like best friends. He thinks that by now things ought to have improved and I think he's right. We are in a rut. We are quite good at communicating with each other and opening up about stuff, although there's the usual frustrations that sometimes come with busy family life. He has said he wants me to feel happy and he offers to look after DC for a few hours at weekends so I can have some me time and other gestures like that.

We have had sex a few times obviously but it's always missionary as I was either worried about it feeling uncomfortable or ashamed of my body and not wanting to go on top.

Finding the time when I don't feel tired seems difficult. My husband doesn't think so and would happily do it before we go to sleep most nights.

I love him and I want us to be happy, plus I want him to be happy, and I want to want sex again.

I'm 41 if that makes a difference.

I'm not looking for responses saying how great everyone else's sex life is as that won't be helpful up me. I'm genuinely wondering if there are any women out there with young children who have felt the same as me but have managed to turn things around in their marriage?

Have you tried sex therapy at all? Sometimes that can be really helpful. Do you enjoy solo sex eg masturbation or is that aspect also missing?

I don't really want to try sex therapy. I've had normal therapy so I'm not generally anti-therapy iyswim. I just don't fancy doing sex therapy.

No I don't feel up for any of it.

I'm really looking for advice from people with young DC who've been in this situation and have managed to turn things around.

OK best of luck to you, hopefully someone can offer up some encouraging experiences for you.

I just wanted to say you sound like a mature minded couple who clearly still very much care for one another. So that bodes well for the future. Do you have any family support which would allow for a few hours baby-sitting to allow the two of you to get out together? This would hopefully be a relaxing experience for you both. I was not happy in my marriage and struggled with the sex aspect. I did not really feel much of a connection with my husband and had low self esteem. I do think that your situation will not get better if you cannot find the time and energy. I don't know if your lifestyle and family demands would lend themselves to some daytime time together in a house with no kids around.
I hope you get some better responses than mine.

Married 30 something years, adult children, we were where you are, managed to get it back on track. Sex is obviously not the same after kids, it is different and better in some ways (mature, deeper connection).
THings that helped: Not feeling like it was MY problem to fix (I am getting the impression that this has been added to your taskload!!)- I think we mostly talked about it as an issue we both had to resolve. He had therapy and changed his (somewhat compulsive) beliefs that sex was an urgent need and he couldn't be happy if he didn't get it on demand. He was good at pulling his weight in child care and domestics (not just a few hours on the weekend, and he never talked about it much or offered, he'd just actually do it the same as me). Having to ask a grown man to act like an adult is very unattractive. Nights away in hotels. Non sexual intimacy - massages, to get me relaxed; casual touching; hugs and kisses without the expectation of sex. Giving it time. Kids under five is THE hardest period. From memory, things started to feel more normal once they were both in school. That sounds like a long time but it's actually not.

Thanks , that's all really helpful.

I think one big difference between him and me is that he finds sex something that relaxes him, whereas I need to feel relaxed in order to want sex! The two viewpoints don't really seem to work together very well!

I forgot to say that we have zero family support so it's just us. It has put pressure on us since having DC.

We do have a nice reliable babysitter who we've started asking once a month on a Friday night so we can go out for dinner, but she is not available to look after DC in the day times so that's on us 100%.

Hey there. I realise this is not directly comparable but I hope might be helpful all the same. We have DC under 5, youngest 18 months. I am the same age as you.

i have the following basic assumptions about sex in our marriage:

we will always have sex more often than I want to and less often than my husband wants to. This seems like a fair compromise. The disparity in our sex drives has got worse since kids and will probably continue to worsen!
Most of the time we will be having sex when I’m tired and not really in the mood. Perhaps there will be a time in a few years when I’m less knackered, but by that point I’ll be perimenopausal so I’m sure there’ll be other issues to contend with

ive said this before on threads - it’s a bit like running. Don’t really like the thought of it beforehand, but can quite like it once it’s underway, and am always glad to have done it afterwards for its long term benefits (for closeness in our marriage) and tbh it doesn’t take up that much time really!

what has worked for us is a fixed schedule ie there are sex days and no sex days. So totally clarity of expectation from both sides. I always get my “rest days” and husband always gets his “sex days” (there’s flexibility for exceptional circumstances of course - but we try to keep to the bargain as much as we can). Ours is alternate days, but could just as easily be once a week, or once a month - depending on where your point of balance is. (My husband would like everyday, I’d be happy with once a week, or perhaps even less). I’m sure that sounds very unromantic to some, but I don’t think romance is high up the agenda when you’ve got little kids. It’s not in the least wild or experimental - a couple of fixed formulas that work for us. Thankfully, my husband’s not too fussy (and knows full well that he’s getting a great deal…).

basically, I think it’s unrealistic to hope that there will come a time when you are no longer tired and suddenly feel “in the mood” again. For me, it’s the other way round ie the regular habit of it (“maintenance sex” - let’s be honest) keeps that part of my body and brain working, and then I can actually appreciate it properly on the (VERY rare) occasions when we have sex when neither of us are tired, stressed, at risk of interruptions.

it sounds like you’ve had a rough time of it and as PPs have said it’s great that you can talk about it so openly.

i hope you find something that works for you. Best wishes.

We went through a period of virtually no sex after the twins were born. It wasn't a conscious choice just life with work and twins. It took effort on both our part, the basic mechanics was easy enough but what we both missed was the intimacy or you could say romance, the time spent just the two of us focusing on each other. Without that it was basic sex as opposed to loving. Not always easy to find the time, we were fortunate in that my parents would sometimes take the girls for a night or even two. When we were at home it was taking time to talk and have a cuddle on the sofa, just time together.

You've got a start in that you're talking and respecting each other, the time out together should help. Hope you find a way to work it out.

We've had a talk to out but unfortunately it hasn't gone well. We both seem to be so far over in our viewpoints. He is really entrenched and seems unable to see things from my position at all. I suggested we meet in the middle and start with diarised dates, but he says that's not enough and it's not what he wants. He wants me to want it as much as him or it's not worth it. To me it feels like an ultimatum of "fix yourself".

Hi OP. I'm sorry your conversation didn't get very far. I think it's really unrealistic of your husband to expect you to want it as much as him... if that's the case he probably needs to consider hooking up with men! not being serious of course, and I know there are plenty of wildly randy women and also men who are basically asexual but in the main men and women do feel differently about sex, and get different things out of it, especially in the context of a long term relationship.

Talking it all through is good but I think we have found a delicate balance that partly works because some things remain unsaid. I've never used the running analogy above with my DH for example - I worry he would find it upsetting (or he would be like "just imagine how good it would be for you to go running EVERY DAY"). But now that we have a system that works for us we can also be lighthearted about it. he will say, for example, "oh isn't it a shame that it's not a sex night?" knowing full well that I don't think it's a shame at all!

You don't just have to "fix yourself". Your DH absolutely has to meet you half-way on this, especially as you both recognise that you've ended up in a bad place. The trauma (for that's what it is) of childbirth is something that takes time to come back from.

Wishing you well.

Our last child had horrendous sleep. I dont think they slept through until at least 3 and even then not consistently.

I took about a year to recover physically after birth and was very ill during pregnancy. So sex was very low on the list of priorities.

It became a big problem and we had lots of bickering and low level resentment.

Lots of talking etc and what I came to realise is I wasn't making it a priority but DH was and that actually sex for us is a big part of emotional connection and intimacy and I really missed that. I also felt physically crap about myself.

For me I realised that until I thought of it as something important to me then I wouldn't make time for it.

Things we did:

• booked time of during the day to have the house to ourselves when in childcare. So we could have breakfast/lunch together and spend time in bed watching a show and being more relaxed and have sex. We would try to do this at least every couple of months.
• Spent our evenings being more focused at least a couple of times a week. With an aim to get into bed together at the same time. Even if we were both wrecked tired we would at least cuddle and watch an episode of a series.
• I became more conscious of touch outside the bedroom in a casual way.
• Committed to a few things to do for myself consistently to make myself feel better. They were dump my old crappy underwear and get proper fitting bras and nice underwear. Not matching as that would be taking it to far :). Do my eye brows and even just moisturiser every day.

It's not like we were swinging of the chandeliers but it really helped things and helped get our relationship a bit more as focus for us both. Reduced stupid arguments and just more of a connection.

We also go to stay in a hotel a couple of times a year overnight. We are lucky to have overnight babysitters to do that but it makes a big difference as I feel I am out of mam mode. I enjoy getting dressed up having a nice meal and being relaxed.

I think you need to meet in the middle.

He needs to

• accept you're not going to spontaneously want sex in the way that he expects
• create the conditions in which you might feel more relaxed (sorting out babysitter, putting kids to bed, ensuring he is treating you well outside the bedroom, initiating non sexual intimacy

You need to

• Accept that if you want your marriage to work you have to do everything you can to fix the problem between you. This includes being more open about sex therapy
• accept that you're not going to want to jump on him, and give yourself a chance to work up some desire. This might involve being open to sex when in an ideal world you'd rather not

The problem for a lot of men is that if they outsource their sexuality to masturbation for too long, it will affect their feelings of tenderness towards their partner, as they no longer associate them with meeting their emotional needs. And when this happens they withdraw, which means they're not meeting their partners' emotional needs. You both really have to fix this as it has the potential to ruin your marriage

Also, is he actually any good at it? Is the foreplay adequate?

Just a consideration but when he says he wants you to want it as much as him, and you offer scheduled sex - is he scared you are going to have sex when you don't want to?

Because that is how I would read it, and nobody wants sex with someone who doesn't want to.

I think there is a possibility that help with communication may help you both work this out.

I finally got my sex drive back when my youngest DC was around 3.

What really made a difference to me was getting back into my old pre kids hobby and meeting new people who didnt know i had kids, they spoke to 'me'. Not to DCs mum. I took back some time to be me away from the drudgery of parenting.
It made me realise that I was still a person in my own right. With wants and needs and desires.

once you have your child in bed a couple of times a week think about maybe sharing a bath together and having an early night with a massage. Chuck all your old undies out and get some nice stuff. If you’re feeling self conscious dim the lights. I sometimes have maintenance sex when I’m knackered just to keep myself and hubby happy and get into it once it starts. It’s hard but in the kindest way possible - make the time- let a few other things slide a bit and make sure you don’t become like brother and sister xxx

I'm sorry @fandangodango but that sounds unpleasant. Nobody should be "having more sex than they want to". Nothing is without consequences and the consequences of that can be serious and damaging.