Feel like leaving dh..can't cope

[Chickyboo]

Since having dd my dh and I haven't stopped arguing and it seems to be getting worse. I've tried just not showing that I am upset. Dh says I should stop being so sensitive because I'm a mother now "so pull yourself together". He keeps saying i'm crazy andalso that I'm going to ruin dd psychological, but then the next day he'll say I'm a great mother. He hasn't had to help me much, only got up the first night back from hospital that was 4 months ago. He works full time whereas I work part-time from home maybe 10-15 hours a week. I do all housework, cooking, shopping etc... and Dh never offers to give any money towards dd, he doesn't earn much but if he goes to supermarket never asks if we need any thing, just buys his tobacco and wine.
Communication has just broken down I feel so helpless. The other day he shouted so load and raised his hand to me and said I was pushing over the edge. I just asked him to get bottle out of warmer he said it wasn't ready I said it was and then it was too hot and we had a massive argument he think I'm trying to control him and tell him what to do. This is happening regularly and he says he doesn't like coming home because I just nag all of the time. Advice and sympathy please have nobody to talk too.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Afraid i don't have any advice but there are lots of others here who have been in similar situations & will be able to sympathise and support you.

If he's raising his hand to you then he is seriously and dangerously out of order. The way he talks to you and things he says sound abusive tbh. If you don't want your marriage to end then I really recommend you get some couples counselling. You can't go on like this - it sounds absolutely awful for you. What do you mean he doesn't give you any money for dd? How do you arrange your finances? Who pays for shopping etc? Having a baby can strain even the strongest relationship, but this sounds like it is spiralling out of control. Yes, I do think men can get frustrated if they aren't trusted to do anything, and the responsibility etc can be a shock, but he shouldn't be intimidating you like this. Have you tried maybe going out together or sitting down and trying to discuss your feelings without fighting - letting each other talk? You sound absolutely overburdened yourself and your dh sounds as if he is running away from everything to do with being a father. How is he with the baby?

Oh dear chickyboo, this man sounds really selfish. So what if he doesn't earn much? Yes you are a mother but he is a father now. Tell him that if he wants you to do all the "woman" things, he has to do all the "man" things - and that means you quitting all paid work and him paying for everything. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))

He absolutely adores dd we went through 2 years of IVF bceause he was told he couldn't have children. She's our little miracle.

We can't afford counselling. I just think that when I go back to university in Feb its going to be another strain and unless he starts to change (cliche) then we will split up. He seems to think I'm invincible.

The money thing really upsets me he acts as if I should be thankful that he pays mortgage and coouncil tax but I pay for everything at home including all dd's clothes, nappies, milk and other bits.

Oh Chickyboo, big hugs agross the web. Any chance you could sit down with a glass of wine when dd is asleep and talk it out? If not then I think aloha is right, perhaps look into some couples counselling.

This is not fair. You shouldn't have to pay for everything. Who gets more money, him or you? It doesn't sound like he is showing you anyrespect

CB I've seen others here on mumsnet send huge hugs at times like these and thats what I am going to do.. BIG HUGS SENT.

I am absolutely no expert in these things but it seems that communication or a lack of it is at the root of a lot of the issues. Though not the raising of hands - thats an entirely seperate issue. You do a lot as well as care for your newborn. Ignore claims about you nagging sometimes thats a man's pathetic attempt to bury an issue but this leaves you disappointed and issue undealt with. If there was no violence or threat of it I would think of lots of strategies to improve communication between you guys - sometimes if you crack that everything else just falls into place - but ultimately just wanted to send hugs and hope other have replied with better advice than I have

that's exactly how I feel colditz.I've said that to him about men and womens 'roles'!!

I've tried speaking to his Mum and she says she doesn't know what to say. She thinks he's just finding hard to adjust.

He seems to think I put too much pressure on him but he plays computer games for about 5 hours minimum a day. When he isn't smoking outside.

Having babies puts so much strain on a relationship that its easy to get things out of perspective at times and imagine things are unsolveable. When you feel at the end of your tether you just can't see the big picture. I have at times 'hated' my dh at really stressful times and he is basically a good guy! My advice would be to get calm, sit down and talk to him about what you need and tell him how stressed you are and how you need help. Everyone knows that depression following a baby is common and that it can spiral out of control.Ask him for help, he might just surprise you. Don't feel like you are alone in feeling like this about him, you aren't, it isn't indicative of your relationship crumbling, you are just both under an inordinate amount of stress right now. You must sort out the money thing to suit you both though, that can really fester if there is resentment about that. You aren't alone, talk it out and let us know what he said. Best of luck.

Still can't beleive he raised his hand, but to be quite honest he says so many awful things to me they hurt me more than if he did ever hit me. I would leave if this happenned. I've tried talking to him but he seems so defensive, and says its not his fault he isn't good enough for me and doesn't earn enoguh!!

God, chicky, I could have written your post. You have almost exactly described my relationship with dh when ds was born, even down to the taunts that I was going to ruin ds psychologically. He also used to tell me my breastmilk was 'bad' and that's why ds didn't sleep, told me that he had no faith in my abilities as a mother, that when I had been up for 4 hours solid with ds and was crying with exahustion (he never got up in the night) that I needed to 'shape up' etc, etc. I could go on.

You need to sit down and talk, as soon as possible, as calmly as possible. Is there anyone who could babysit dd tomorrow afternoon? You need to go out somewhere neutral, away from the distractions of dd, and really, really talk. He probably is finding it hard to adjust but it's no excuse. His behaviour needs to change, that's for sure, but hmb is right about communication. It's the cornerstone and if it goes, it's really hard to regain it.

This probably isn't very helpful but I do understand what you're going through and really hope you can sort it out. ((((()))))

NoMoom is right - you need to talk this through asap. If you're anything like me you'll be tired and emotional enough without this kind of behaviour from dh. If you don't feel brave enough to confront him just like that, then look into couple counselling.

You also need to stand back and think about exactly what it is you do want. I think that doing all the housework and shooping and paying for the baby things (and presumably the groceries) is grossly unfair. Also hemay not have "had to help" much, but he should help a bit.

Best of luck.

nomoomathteinn are you still with dh? Dh is off work tomorrow we could go to MIL but I don't know if he would want to go out for evening.

I did here that this sometimes happens after baby.
Ive tried talking to him a few times in calm way, but he just says I don't appreciate all that he does for us i.e he works and pays the mortgage. Before we had a baby this was his role as I am a mature student, althoguh he seems to have forgotten that I supported for 2 yrs when he didn't feel like working.

Am I being unreasonable? Anyway I just can't cope with the arguing and just want us to be happy.

I think that is it cheekyboo - he feels guilty about not earning enough or being good enough but instead of working on it he's taking it out on you verbally and lets pray it never get physical you don't need that too. Again speaking and really understanding each others point of view is really key - he may think he is not good enough but if he took you grocery shopping and always paid for half of it that might make you feel a whole lot better about him and he may appreciate himself more? If its worth it to you (the marriage and dh) keep trying, the barrier is his defensiveness and as long as he keeps this up you guys won't sort anything out - it seems to me its dh that has to pull himeslf together not you, if he doesn't it will be him who psychologically damages you, ds and himself and watch him blame everyone else rather than face that responsibility too. Sometimes guys like these have no decent role models, where is DH's father and friends who can have a word with him?

Can't beleive my nan just rang me... she never rings me. She said she felt like something was wrong. She asked me if I've been crying I hadn't but then obviuosly burst into tears she thinks I should leave as he doesn't want to face up to his responsibilties and is to tight with money. I haven't spoken to anyone in my family about these issues.

All this advice is just what I've been thinking.

hi, kina know what u mean i love my DP to bits but he has a nasty temper hes nver laid a finger on me and i know he never would but he smashes things up things that mattr u know the suff he knows will get a reaction out of me. Then i get upset he dpes more and then says it is my fault for moaning. It often arises from money my lack of it. I feel utterly helpless and feel that i alsways have to get the cheapest of everything so as not to ask to much. I also felt like i was only a mum now and not his DP. Tried to tell him this and he said nothing which got me upset so he broke the coffee table.

He sounds bad but this aspect is only a small part he is good and is perfect with DS he just wont talk about thimgs after they happen and makes me feel i have no support. I have tried to tell him that if he just runs away from his probs then one day he may have nothing to come back to. Why do some men have to be stone age about emotions

So get where ur coming from chickyboo

Thanks for sympathy Flic23. I feel for you too.
Some men are so old-fashioned its unbeleivable...what gets me is that they expect you to work and earn.

he expects me too earn not heaps though he pays fo everything. What i hate is having no financial freedom i cant remember the last time i bought something for myself and if we go to pub together ha has to give me some of his money to buy a round and then he makes such a fuss when i buy one he thinks this helps but it just makes me feel ridiculus.

I wish i could talk properly to him i find i am clamming it up coz i'm frightened of the temper. If u feel this too then trust me we need to find a way of telling them because it always comes out in the end and is so much worse coz months worth come up then. They cant be total monsters we had their kids and i for one would do the same again just want to makes this bad part as good as the rest

Chicky, in answer to your question - no, we're not still together. But there were an awful lot of problems in our marriage before ds came along, believe me, and the stress of having a baby merely exacerbated an already difficult situation - it didn't cause it. Massive changes in your relationship are par for the course when a baby arrives. Our problem was that, if I'm honest, we never had the strong foundation in the first place that would get us through the hard times.

But if your relationship was fundamentally good before dd arrived, then you will get through this time. You need to nip this in the bud before it gets any worse though, because once this ball starts rolling it can be hard to stop it. Don't let your resentment build up. Don't let this fester. Your marriage does sound very unbalanced, responsibility-wise, but it may be that your dh just needs a good kick up the backside to see what's in front of him. He thinks you don't appreciate him - well its sounds as if he doesn't have a clue what you're doing all day either!

Please try and get some time to talk properly to him tomorrow, if you possibly can. You're not nagging, either - your marriage is important to you and you just want to get this sorted. Loads of luck, sorry for ramblerama and keep us posted.

Thanks NoMoom...sorry to hear your relationship didn't last.
Dh was never that helpful before but first 2 weeks after baby came home he was a rock...sort of hoped he had changed.

Last night we had lovely evening.