He likes a colleague

Itsnotfine · 2023-01-19T06:24:11+00:00

I've been dating a man for 2 months. We've a lot in common and I really like him, he says the same. Both late forties with teenage kids. He texts regularly to arrange dates, see him twice a week. But a friend has told me that this man really liked a woman in his work, it was mutual, she's really attractive but nothing has happened between them apparently.. He still mentions her. She's in a newish relationship. This is as recent as when we first went on first date. He's been so keen about us but I'm feel a bit gutted knowing they see other everyday. Is this a red flag?

Zanatdy · 19/01/2023 06:46

No. There was obviously a reason they didn’t get together, and he was a single man when you got together. I wouldn’t let it bother you, if he wants to be with you, he wants to be with you. If you start quizzing him or not trusting him then you’re going to push him away. Not sure why the fact he liked someone he worked with but never got together with her is a red flag. Ask him about it if it’s really bothering you.

HarrysRedEars · 19/01/2023 07:05

I wouldn't like it but I am insecure and possessive.

HappyHolidays22 · 19/01/2023 07:07

It’s not a red flag but I can understand why it would play on your mind. The worst thing you can do is over think it and question him (too much) on it - the more possessive and touchy you are over it, the more you’ll push him away.

play it cool, maybe mention it to him in passing but then try to let it go.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 19/01/2023 07:12

Yeah, I would worry.
It coild be that you are a replacement.
Sorry op.

ZekeZeke · 19/01/2023 07:18

If your friend hadn't told you this you would be just getting on with your new relationship.
What was her motive in telling you this? Why did she feel the need to tell you this? Is she stirring or genuinely worried for you?

XmasElf10 · 19/01/2023 07:23

How do you know your friends story is accurate? Did this man announce his feelings for the other woman in the middle of the office? This just sounds like gossip designed to hurt and I’d ignore it.

PaleBlueStar · 19/01/2023 07:23

I've been dating someone 7 months. First knew him at school and we stayed in contact. Had dinner in the summer (both divorced by then) and now he's the love of my life.

On our second date he told me that at the end of his marriage he had an affair with a married colleague which fizzled out during lockdown. She then left the company.

It's clear he was fond of her and has no animosity towards her. When he went public about us she got back in touch and now texts him occasionally. I have seen the texts and he responds rather than initiates them.

I mention this as it's made me feel uncomfortable. It's not that I don't trust him or know we have something special. But it's niggled me. A fly in the ointment. An irrational fear she will take him from me. Or now interested again as he's unavailable.

I think this is partly because they drifted apart. No ending. No closure. Unfinished business. She went unresponsive.

But I feel he needs closure.

So I've told him I will support whatever he wants to do to have that final conversation. And he's now meeting her for a coffee next week. Makes me feel sick but I know I'm being irrational. He doesn't hate her and they were both in shit marriages. She still is.

But I've struggled with it all however I don't want to tell him what he can and can't do. Our relationship is serious (we are in our 50's - 5 kids between us). I want to treat him how I want to be treated. With trust.

I also had a relationship. Once my marriage was over. An old married boyfriend coached me through my epic divorce. Flirted too and wanted to get me in bed. I resisted that part. He was a good friend tho and kept me sane.

My BF has encouraged me to stay in contact and have a nice lunch with him to thank him for all his help. He said - if you leave me for him I love you so much I'll do a handover. They will meet also at some point.

Being trusted is a good feeling :)

So don't over think this. Don't push him away. But know that most of us feel the feelings you are feeling. As others have said - they didn't get together and you have. All good :)

SmileWithADimple · 19/01/2023 07:28

When my friend got together with her now DH, she found out later that he was interested in two women at the time. He chose my friend for quite a trivial reason. They've now been married for over 15 years. Just because it starts like this doesn't mean it's not the real thing. Just take it slow and make sure he's really keen, forget this other woman.

PaleBlueStar · 19/01/2023 07:36

Also thumbs down 👎 for your friend sharing this.

What was her motive?

gannett · 19/01/2023 07:48

The red flag is your shit-stirring friend.

Nothing happened between your partner and his colleague but she's told you in such a way as to deliberately poison your mind. Does she have a history of doing this?

LittleLillie · 19/01/2023 08:06

PaleBlueStar · 19/01/2023 07:23

I've been dating someone 7 months. First knew him at school and we stayed in contact. Had dinner in the summer (both divorced by then) and now he's the love of my life.

On our second date he told me that at the end of his marriage he had an affair with a married colleague which fizzled out during lockdown. She then left the company.

It's clear he was fond of her and has no animosity towards her. When he went public about us she got back in touch and now texts him occasionally. I have seen the texts and he responds rather than initiates them.

I mention this as it's made me feel uncomfortable. It's not that I don't trust him or know we have something special. But it's niggled me. A fly in the ointment. An irrational fear she will take him from me. Or now interested again as he's unavailable.

I think this is partly because they drifted apart. No ending. No closure. Unfinished business. She went unresponsive.

But I feel he needs closure.

So I've told him I will support whatever he wants to do to have that final conversation. And he's now meeting her for a coffee next week. Makes me feel sick but I know I'm being irrational. He doesn't hate her and they were both in shit marriages. She still is.

But I've struggled with it all however I don't want to tell him what he can and can't do. Our relationship is serious (we are in our 50's - 5 kids between us). I want to treat him how I want to be treated. With trust.

I also had a relationship. Once my marriage was over. An old married boyfriend coached me through my epic divorce. Flirted too and wanted to get me in bed. I resisted that part. He was a good friend tho and kept me sane.

My BF has encouraged me to stay in contact and have a nice lunch with him to thank him for all his help. He said - if you leave me for him I love you so much I'll do a handover. They will meet also at some point.

Being trusted is a good feeling :)

So don't over think this. Don't push him away. But know that most of us feel the feelings you are feeling. As others have said - they didn't get together and you have. All good :)

Closure is something you give yourself, he doesn’t need that “one last conversation” with her unless he isn’t over it.

This is very concerning - he is capable of cheating and you’ve sent him off to meet his old AP? No, he should be cutting all contact with this woman and putting your feelings first.

booboo24 · 19/01/2023 08:14

I have to agree with @LittleLillie about Pale's story, isn't that just playing with fire? I understand you want to trust him but this may well backfire, and I feel you're helping him reignite what fizzled out here, especially if she's still desperately unhappy. You can trust someone or not, end of, but why force the issue?

OP I agree with most on here who say I can see why it has upset you but he's not with her, he's with you, so I'd maybe ask him about it once, but then try and not let it get to you. As long as he's done nothing to cause you to worry I'd try and let it go.

HarrysRedEars · 19/01/2023 08:39

Once I knew this I would always wonder if he only started dating because she's moved on and no longer available. I would feel like a replacement as @CantAskAnyoneElse has said. I don't like starting a new relationship when a bloke still has women in his orbit that he fancies.
Developing a crush on a colleague years later in the relationship is bad enough but starting with someone knowing he fancies his colleagues? Nah I'm not that spiritually advanced to be cool with it.

ganvough · 19/01/2023 10:14

What was the context of your friend telling you? That wasn't nice of her.

I'm direct so would just ask him if it were true and why they didn't get together. See what he says and how he responds - that way you'll know either way how he feels about her, AND how empathetic he is with you around re-assurance.

PaleBlueStar · 19/01/2023 11:57

Thanks for all your concern about my situation.

If they meet and it fires it up again then so be it. I would not know if he hadn't told me and I am at peace with it because what we have is very special and we've always been drawn to each other.

But of course I know nothing about the details of their affair. And don't want to. They have seen each other since it fizzled. In a work context and she cancelled a drink they'd planned to catch up.

I've obviously seen pictures of her and am
confident he's upgraded. 🤣 I know she struggles with her weight which was a turnoff for him. I don't. I knew his ex wife too and get on well with his daughters. I've known him 40 yrs. First to get married and when I used to flirt which him over the years he was very unavailable. But he was happy then before his Ex ended the physical side.

Why aren't you concerned that if I have a nice lunch and champagne with my married Ex (who tried hard to get me into bed) that I won't decide to do it? Or are women different from men and all men want casual sex, regardless of the quality etc?

Maybe when he flies home this evening he will sit next to an attractive single 30yr old on the plane.

He's never slagged his ex wife to me. He settled generously with her and I don't expect him to diss the woman either. It's not who he is. I was also trapped in a hideous marriage and I know how hard that is when you have kids too.

I'm choosing openness over control in this relationship.

Original poster

Itsnotfine · 19/01/2023 12:42

Thanks for all replies, I've been at work. I'm glad I was told about the woman. She didn't tell me to stir. It's common knowledge throughout their offices how much he liked her. He was open about it, but she was dating a new guy. Don't know what to think now.

OP posts:

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 19/01/2023 13:00

PaleBlueStar · 19/01/2023 07:23

I've been dating someone 7 months. First knew him at school and we stayed in contact. Had dinner in the summer (both divorced by then) and now he's the love of my life.

On our second date he told me that at the end of his marriage he had an affair with a married colleague which fizzled out during lockdown. She then left the company.

It's clear he was fond of her and has no animosity towards her. When he went public about us she got back in touch and now texts him occasionally. I have seen the texts and he responds rather than initiates them.

I mention this as it's made me feel uncomfortable. It's not that I don't trust him or know we have something special. But it's niggled me. A fly in the ointment. An irrational fear she will take him from me. Or now interested again as he's unavailable.

I think this is partly because they drifted apart. No ending. No closure. Unfinished business. She went unresponsive.

But I feel he needs closure.

So I've told him I will support whatever he wants to do to have that final conversation. And he's now meeting her for a coffee next week. Makes me feel sick but I know I'm being irrational. He doesn't hate her and they were both in shit marriages. She still is.

But I've struggled with it all however I don't want to tell him what he can and can't do. Our relationship is serious (we are in our 50's - 5 kids between us). I want to treat him how I want to be treated. With trust.

I also had a relationship. Once my marriage was over. An old married boyfriend coached me through my epic divorce. Flirted too and wanted to get me in bed. I resisted that part. He was a good friend tho and kept me sane.

My BF has encouraged me to stay in contact and have a nice lunch with him to thank him for all his help. He said - if you leave me for him I love you so much I'll do a handover. They will meet also at some point.

Being trusted is a good feeling :)

So don't over think this. Don't push him away. But know that most of us feel the feelings you are feeling. As others have said - they didn't get together and you have. All good :)

You are being extremely naive.

minticecreamisjustok · 19/01/2023 13:17

Lots of people have work crushes, if someone finds out, they like to amplify it!
Doesn't sound like it's mutual as she's found someone else and he's moved on with you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/01/2023 13:19

Itsnotfine · 19/01/2023 12:42

Thanks for all replies, I've been at work. I'm glad I was told about the woman. She didn't tell me to stir. It's common knowledge throughout their offices how much he liked her. He was open about it, but she was dating a new guy. Don't know what to think now.

I think it means he’s human. I’d imagine most of us have liked or been attracted to somebody who, when we approached them, didn’t return the feelings or was unavailable / not interested. And we get over it, move on and look for other people to date - which is what he’s done. You only know about this particular situation with this particular man because somebody else told you. Had your friend not told you, you wouldn’t be thinking about it at all, you’d just be focussing on the right things - such as that you see each other regularly and he seems keen.

If we all held it against our current partners that they’d dated, liked or been attracted to people other than us at some point and that this must mean we’re “second best” and they secretly want to be with the other person instead then we’d all have to stay single.

DuchessOfSausage · 19/01/2023 13:26

When I got together with XH, a mutual friend told me he had a girlfriend. It was his sister. How the mutual friend hadn't noticed the family resemblance, I don't know, but they were only just over a year apart in age.

JosephJoseph · 20/01/2023 09:42

@itsthefinalcountdown1 yep very naive. 'struggling with weight which is a turn off' As if a bloke would tell you he still fancy an ex and as if blokes don't shag women who aren't their 'typical type' and AS IF men rate women physically the same we women or that they only cheat if their partner is unattractive and the OW is more attractive.