Communication mismatch

[Fiflaboeuf]

My DH and I have been together about 12 years and married 10. The relationship has always felt really strong: we had a very romantic beginning. I worry I idealised things because of this.
I have always been aware that we have very different relationship histories - I was married and divorced in my mid twenties and had another three year relationship. Both of them were emotionally abusive. Before he met me he had had zero long term relationships (and only slept with one or two people).
it was great and now it is very often great but in the last few years I have really begun to resent the way he can talk to me when stressed or annoyed. What I can’t untangle is whether I am being super sensitive due to the past or if he is being an arsehole.
The small things build up and I find myself really really angry but unable to express it because the thing he said wasn’t ‘that bad’ - I end up flicking the vs (childish!) at him behind his back or muttering curses when he can’t hear.
I hate this dynamic as I feel it’s really corrosive.

Examples include today where I mentioned a new working pattern (now working until five one day as my hours have increased slightly). He looked aghast and said ‘how is that going to work then?’ (My dd has an after school club which finishes at 4:30 but as it runs for a few weeks only I know I can work around it - flexible company- and I really thought we had discussed it already!)
I was so upset and angry - even though it’s mild - because just a few days before he’d been very exasperated when talking to me ‘sigh, yes I know that already!’ During a stressful house situation.
He asked what was wrong today so I told him it made me feel like shit when he talks to me like that.

He said he should be able to express himself when I annoy him. And it isn’t bad or unusual. That he hates it when I repeat myself or throw up unexpected news. And he got a bit huffy like maybe he should never say anything negative again.

But I don’t think he would like it if I did the same? if I have he gets very wounded.

he then said maybe he wasn’t cut out for relationships which made me feel terrible.

Am I way too sensitive, is he an arse or is it somewhere between? I mentioned counselling to untangle the issues but he felt very hurt. I worry that I am projecting negativity on him due to my own experiences - or that he doesn’t love me any more.

Am I way too sensitive, is he an arse or is it somewhere between

'Too sensitive' isn't a thing. We all have our own level of sensitivity, and some are more sensitive than others, but there's no overarching rules about what the 'right' level is. You've had your experiences, and you have your level of sensitivity. A relationship isn't about working out who's right or wrong, it's about finding supportive ways through things.

It's not 'projecting negativity' if you don't like something because it feels like a bad experience of the past. If you were afraid of dogs because you'd once been mauled, it would be understandable, wouldn't it? And you wouldn't expect a respectful partner to bring a dog into your house and make you feel you were 'too sensitive' for being afraid; they would cater for your sensitivities, ask friends with dogs to leave them at home because you struggle with them, cross to the other side of the street holding your hand when a dog came up on your side of the street, etc.

Being sensitive doesn't mean that those feelings can be dismissed, it means that people who love and respect you will be even more careful with you in those circumstances.

Your sensitivity isn't something you need to silence. It's a way your true self is trying to inform you of your boundaries. If you don't listen to that, and respect that, you're essentially treating yourself just like he is: carelessly and disrespectfully.

That he hates it when I repeat myself or throw up unexpected news.

How, in the name of all that is holy, are you supposed to go through life without unexpected news?? What does he think you should do when something out of the ordinary happens? Shield him from it, keep it to yourself, deal with it yourself? If you did would you then be accused of keeping secrets?

Beware the man who is hurt/wounded/offended/huffy by things that aren't a boost to his ego or put him out in any way, shape or form.

Beware the man who feels entitled to talk to you in any manner he pleases but can't take being told unexpected fucking news the dick.

Why is he very hurt that you want counselling? Is he very hurt that your hurt?

Sounds like you're allowed to feel a lot worse than he is. Try writing down and keep a tally of when he seems to get annoyed or upset with you when you supposedly make him feel bad or some other negative feeling but when you feel the same feeling as a result of his actions, he doesn't feel that that's also bad. It might just surprise you.

Good to keep a written note of it so that you can't be gaslighted into thinking the issue is all in your head.

Thanks so much - I really appreciate your responses. You have blown my mind.

Somewhere along the line I forgot that whatever I feel is valid.

We had a rough time last autumn when I had a sudden epiphany (I got into some of that myers briggs type stuff from a leadership course at work - and my personality apparently absorbs other peoples feelings and I am also not at all assertive). Then I realised that he uses me as an emotional proxy - I realised that there is this pattern where he is a dick and I cry and blame myself and get hysterical - and then he hugs me and says it’s all ok. I felt like some kind of emotional whipping boy - feeling the things he didn’t want to feel? But I just stopped the crying and refused to follow the pattern. And we had a big show down and eventually after a few days he said ‘I realise you are right and I am too hard on you’ - great, except the ‘too hard on you’ always stuck in my craw: like I am an employee or something, someone who needs to be critiqued.
He also said ‘I can’t lose you’ - but I always wondered if he meant he can’t lose me in case of what the larger world thinks, or because of the ball ache.
Thanks for the diary idea - that will help. Sometimes I feel like I need to record everything as we often have scenarios when he claims I haven’t told him stuff too…
Thanks so much awesome people!

Do you have to stay with him? He's treating you poorly.

Yuck, he reminds me of my ex. Except he never apologized or comforted me after using me as his emotional punching bag. It's funny these types never talk/treat other people like that just the ones closest to them.

Wow, OP, your update is more or less exactly what happened with me and my then husband. He would (I now know) intentionally upset me then comfort me. I realised it was a pattern of behaviour so I changed the way I responded. Unfortunately for me, that upped the abuse because his usual way wasn't working for him any more.

Be careful what you share with him, don't tell him you see what he's up to, don't tell him how he's made you feel, just grey rock.

If he says you haven’t told him something when you know you have, can you follow it up with a text or email or even a piece of paper, or implement a notice/reminder board or calendar. You shouldn’t have to but …….

Ie I’m going out for dentist/girls night etc. put on calendar, or stick reminder on fridge. Or he could get in the habit of setting reminders on his phone.

I had an ex who never really bothered to listen to me, or only half listened and subsequently accused me of not telling him things. Often he would actually get the wrong end of the stick entirely eg.” I’m saving the chicken pie in the fridge for dinner, so don’t eat the pie at lunchtime” would become “Eat the pie at lunchtime”

You have my sympathy.