I’m struggling, and I don’t want it to affect DP

[Squeakchops]

I’ve been going through a horrible time at the moment. I’m suffering from really bad burnout, and lots of stuff happening financially and in my job. I’ve been crying a lot and generally just not been myself.

DP has been wonderful, kind and understanding. Always there to hold my hand and help me out. I know it’s not fair on him and he always says everything is absolutely fine, and that he understands.

But I’m also very aware I’ve not been myself, I’ve been a bit snappy, I’ve been wearing lazy clothes and making no effort, I’ve been pretty lazy, we’ve not been having sex (which we would before almost every time we saw each other). So obviously I worry about him going off me. He said he’s noticed me being a bit snappy but he hasn’t said anything because he understands I’m struggling right now and it’ll be okay.

It just so happens that this week he’s going for a “beer with the boys” (which is absolutely fine, but doesn’t happen often without the girlfriends invited too). He’s also saying he’s been very busy at work, and where he’d usually text throughout the day or call at lunch, he hasn’t been as much.

Im not saying these things aren’t fine but I’m worried he’s doing a slow fade and not being honest with me. He says it’s just coincidence. I know I need to trust what he’s saying but I’m so paranoid of ruining the relationship from being so down.

What can I do about this?

I think in the absence of anything else you have to believe him. You’re clearly both communicating well with each other, and it sounds as though he’s being a good listener, providing really good support and so on. Keep on letting him know where you are emotionally, that you’re appreciative of his understanding, that you’re sorry when you get snappy or rude, that you’re doing your best. If a message during the day is something which really helps you, let him know that and perhaps agree that, even if he’s busy, a daily check in makes you feel better.

Beers with the boys without girlfriends may be as much about him feeling you’d both benefit from a bit of independent time. We all need that, particularly in the hard times. I know if DH was going through a difficult patch and I was putting a lot of my energy into supporting him, I’d want to see my friends and talk to them about it and get their support or advice, without him present. Him wanting the same (if that is the case) is a good rather than a bad thing.

Ok so he said he is going for beer with the boys, you say it doesn't happen much but it has happened before so it's not completely out of the question yes?

And texting/calling during the working day is something that would never cross most people's minds unless it was boring necessary stuff. So perhaps he has just been busy, or perhaps he just needs a clear head at work and thinks it wouldn't be the best for him right now to contact you whilst he is at work.

There is nothing you can change about the past. You need to accept that. But you can change what you do or say or think going forward.

Try accepting that he is saying it's just a coincidence and leave it at that. And work on what you need to do for yourself with job and finances. If he is doing a slow fade there isn't much you can do about it. Perhaps being your only rock is a bit overwhelming. Can you talk to friends about job etc. share your worries around. They might have some useful suggestions you never know. Or go out with them the night he is out with the boys?

(Or not even talk about the situation, but the exact opposite perhaps: just to see my friends, not talk about problems and hard stuff, relax, laugh, have fun, away from the difficulties at home for a bit.)

I don't think you have any other choice but to trust that he's being honest with you, if he is and you keep stressing about it all that will do is add more stress to your already stressful life right now and make things even worse. You have enough on your plate, don't add on worrying about something that might not even be anything to worry about and put yourself under even more pressure. And if he is slow-fading you then he's not the one for you because he's unable to support you during stressful times.

That said I think you do need to be honest with yourself about whether you're doing everything you can to proactively manage your stress, if there's more you could be doing that would be a healthier focus than worrying that you're driving him away. I hope things improve for you soon and things start to look brighter

How long has your relationship been going on for?

Unfortunately it's likely stress levels may be having an impact on the relationship. It can be hard to interact with a person who isn't in a good place and where the other person can't do anything about it. The only thing you can do is try to compartmentalise it as much as you can. It's def worth mentioning it to him though so at least he knows. Don't be worried about going out for beers with the lads. It may be one of his friends suggestions.

Beers with the lads gives him a chance to offload too as supporting someone who's not well can be hard work. It doesn't mean slow fade. He sounds lovely. Are you getting any help and support medically?

Thanks all for being so kind! We’ve been together a year, don’t live together.
I’m trying really hard to get help but I’m on a therapy waiting list and can’t afford private. Just really don’t want to ruin it

Ultimately, you have to prioritise getting better. If he's 'a keeper' and someone who's going to be around long-term, then he'll continue to support you. If he's not then you're lucky to find out now, not later down the line with toddlers and a mortgage.

Thank you! It’s hard as I don’t know how to get better, therapy isn’t an option and I don’t have an awful lot of people to unload to. Plus work stress is just how it is at the moment sadly

The financial stuff you may not be able to fix right now, but the job stuff you can.

Job stress to the point where it affects your personal life is not normal and shouldn't be accepted. Can you speak to your manager about workload? Can you take some time off either Annual leave or with stress? What do you think needs to happen to fix the problem?

We might be able to suggest something :)

Hi all!
Just wanted to post an update. Since the last post I have bagged myself a new job, have 2 weeks left at the job causing me so much stress and I’m so excited.
I’ve since started therapy and am making small steps to getting better.

Also.. DP is still here, supportive as ever and definitely wasn’t doing the slow fade! We had a long talk about it and I’ve been trying to prioritise myself and he’s been there through it all.

Thank you all again 💐

Fantastic update. Well done