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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Leaving - help please

8 replies

himymorfriends · 18/01/2023 11:15

New member here and in need of advice.

For a while now I have been planning on leaving my abusive partner. I have a nearly 2 year old DD and the only reason I haven't left earlier is because I am scared he will go to court and get custody.

Long story short we are in an arguement and has been sending threating texts all morning. I am scared of what will happen when he gets home.

If he does attack me I will call the police.

My question is, once the police come what will happen? Will they take him? Will he come back to the house?

What do I do?

Any advice I would appreciate.

Thanks

OP posts:
himymorfriends · 18/01/2023 14:46

Bump

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 18/01/2023 16:22

Contact women’s aid, and leave the house before he gets in, if you have anywhere safe to go.

Also, report him to the police right now, and be sure to keep the threatening texts as evidence.

Best of luck.

Grandmasword · 18/01/2023 19:09

When I was in this position you are in now I got great advise from both Woman's aid, and my local woman's aid shelter. You should be able to find this information on their website.

Firstly, if you have a friend you can confide in, or a family member get a bag ready with the following and leave it there with them for the day you leave.

Secondly, did you know you can now go into any Boots and ask for assistance?
They will take you aside and give you advise on the next steps.

if you can gather the below prior to leaving all you then have to do is scoop your lil one up and go.

Passports
important paperwork
Clothes and toiletries
mobile charger and any charger you may need.

(if you need to change your mobile number then you can call your mobile provider and ask them to change your number, if you have to, due to domestic abuse.

If you dont want to change your number but dont want him to contact you to intimidate you, then get another sim card and only give out your new number to those you trust. Then use an old mobile for your current number. Its just so that you get time away from whatever he may throw at you.

Make sure that whatever internet browser you use, to go icognito.
Do have your mobile phone checked over for any apps where he might be able to locate you, that is if you leave to a womans aid refuge. They will have to relocate you if he finds you.

What your partner will do once you leave may be frightening and his behavior may become erratic from being threatening to very loving, begging you to come home, and in the same minute, if you don't comply, to tell you what is going to happen. He will threaten to take your child, they always do this. So you need to keep calm and never go back once you go because this is what I found out once I left, 3 times in total, two different woman's aid refuge each time, was that its easy to leave, but so hard to stay away. Why? well for me I knew my ex tactics, but I did not know how unpredictable he would become once I left and didn't do as I was told anymore, and so he would revert to all sort of characters in order to charm me, frighten me and threaten me.

I went back home again twice, the third time I left was the final time.

Once you leave, do not negotiate with him on your life. You dont own him your life, or the life he has left you living which is no life at all.

Call womans aid, and if you dont get through the first time, try again, they have the option to call you back, and give them a safe time to call you back, not when he is home. If he is likely to know you are about to leave he is likely to charm you, or become the person you once fell in love with, please understand this is a form of manipulation as an abuser will feel anyone leaving them is denting his ego on the outside, so he will try and avoid you going by being charming, or threatening.

The police, depending on the information you give them, will likely come to your home, this is just to see if you are ok, and also to log this. Please speak with your GP as well as this will then be logged with them as well. Your ex may get arrested, he will be told not to contact you, but womans aid will also be able to say what is likely to happen if you report your ex to the police.

himymorfriends · 18/01/2023 21:39

Thank you both for your reply.

He got home earlier that usual and did attack me. I called the police but by the time they arrived dp had left.

I'm not sure what to do now but I'm sure I will figure it out. Just glad he's finally gone for now.

OP posts:
Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 18/01/2023 21:44

Can you stay somewhere else tonight @himymorfriends ?

Maytodecember · 18/01/2023 22:01

Are you injured at all? Make sure you’ve logged his assault with the police. Keep all texts. Leave now to a friend or family member in case he comes back. If you can’t leave lock all doors and windows so he can’t get in with a key. If he tries to get in call the police.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 19/01/2023 07:49

Hope you're ok.

Have the police gone on to arrest him @himymorfriends or said they'll follow up their visit?

Take photos of any injuries.

Above all, take care of yourself and your DD

Overandunderit · 19/01/2023 08:17

OP I'm so sorry. You sound so strong I know you can do this.

Did the police say they will be arresting him?

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