Just found out he had a child

rightsaidfreddie · 2023-01-18T10:59:29+00:00

A colleague has recently found out that he has a son who is in his 30s. I don't know the full details, or how the son found him, but apparently my colleague was working in Canada for a while and slept with a girl there, and here we are 30 years on! My colleague (and his wife) are really happy about it and are going to meet up with him. It made me wonder how often this sort of thing happens and whether mums make a conscious decision not to tell the baby's father they are pregnant?

Starlitestarbright · 18/01/2023 11:01

Sounded lien she wanted a sperms donor completely wrong.

Starlitestarbright · 18/01/2023 11:01

Like*

mindutopia · 18/01/2023 11:30

Well, I don't think it happens that often, but you can see how it might. A one night stand resulting in a pregnancy and someone decides they would rather raise the child on their own than terminate. Perhaps he returned to the UK soon after and she had no way of reaching him. Perhaps she feared telling him because of the worry that he might try to get custody and take the child back to the UK (unlikely, but in the early 90s, pre-internet, you can see how someone might believe this could happen). Perhaps she felt it was just easier than telling him that knowing he wouldn't have the right to stay in Canada and have a relationship with his child. Perhaps simply the shame of an unplanned pregnancy as an unmarried woman - keep in mind 30 years ago was still quite different than today. Certainly, where I grew up at that time, a woman having a baby on her own would have definitely raised some eyebrows. How lovely though that his son has found him and he and his wife are welcoming him into their lives.

Pseudonamed · 18/01/2023 11:33

30 years old? Very easily could have not had any way to contact him.

Original poster

rightsaidfreddie · 18/01/2023 11:50

mindutopia · 18/01/2023 11:30

Well, I don't think it happens that often, but you can see how it might. A one night stand resulting in a pregnancy and someone decides they would rather raise the child on their own than terminate. Perhaps he returned to the UK soon after and she had no way of reaching him. Perhaps she feared telling him because of the worry that he might try to get custody and take the child back to the UK (unlikely, but in the early 90s, pre-internet, you can see how someone might believe this could happen). Perhaps she felt it was just easier than telling him that knowing he wouldn't have the right to stay in Canada and have a relationship with his child. Perhaps simply the shame of an unplanned pregnancy as an unmarried woman - keep in mind 30 years ago was still quite different than today. Certainly, where I grew up at that time, a woman having a baby on her own would have definitely raised some eyebrows. How lovely though that his son has found him and he and his wife are welcoming him into their lives.

Yes from what he has said, he was only in Canada for a very short period of time, so I'd imagine he left before she found out she was pregnant.

It's lovely that he hasn't denied he is his son and wants to have a father/son relationship with him.

I'm sure more will come out about it in its own time!

OP posts:

SmilesThroughGrittedTeeth · 18/01/2023 13:13

U.S. here. It happened to my DH. My DH was adopted and registered his DNA on ancestry to try to find his birth parents. He did find his birth mom but he also got matched up with a 30+ year old son he didn't know he had. The son told him that his mom didn't know who his father was. When the son told the mom he found who his dad was, the mom said she didn't know who that was. Her sister remembered my DH though. They went to a tiny school in a tiny town so I dont think the mom is telling the truth.

The entire extended family moved several states away after the son was born and my DH was living in another town so there was never any chance to bump into each other. Also, my DH partied a lot in those years and was not one to speak on the phone so even if she had known how to reach him and tried to contact him, I doubt he would have returned her call. (DH and I've talked about this a lot and he admits his attitude was wrong and regrets not knowing about his son.)

The crazy thing is before my DH and I met, the son moved back to our area and hung out next door to me with my cousin's son. Small world.

We've been to meet him, his wife and their DC once. It was a 15 hour trip just to get there. We would like to get to know them better but the distance does hinder that some.

Mycatisasleep · 18/01/2023 13:34

OP this is crap. I'm really sorry 😔 It's sensible to seek advice.

He's lied multiple times and must actually have planned his life around this. You've met over 20 times. My friend is a co-parent dad. If you ask him, what did you do at the weekend...
I did X with the kids. I met my friends for a drink as the kids were with their mum. I tidied up after the kids left.

If you ask him about holidays... I took the kids to spain. I went on holiday with the lads because the kids went on holiday with their mum.

What are your hobbies? These days with the kids around I don't get much time but I try to play guitar.

You get the picture. Kids are central to someone's life. To avoid talking about them is deliberate deceit. He was afraid he'd lose you so he lied. This doesn't bode well for a relationship.

I wish you every happiness and I hope you find someone honest to spend your life with ❤️

Mycatisasleep · 18/01/2023 13:36

Sorry, I now saw your post above that he doesn't see them all the time and therefore it's not the same situation. I wish we could edit or delete these things!

Helpyou · 18/01/2023 13:51

@Mycatisasleep you've posted on the wrong thread!

user06221 · 18/01/2023 22:25

I think it happens more often than we hear about. People have one night stands all the time and may never see each other ever again, and not have a way of contacting each other. Or some women may not want to tell the baby's father from a one night stand as the man is essentially a stranger that you will be inviting into your life.

Or sometimes the man is married and she may decide to just walk away and raise the child alone.

So yeah, I can imagine it happens a lot.