Abuse or can 2 people just bring out the worse in each other?

[Cookiemonster83]

Ive been thinking about my abusive marriage of 10 years.
It doesn’t excuse someone’s behaviour but can 2 people just not be compatible and bring out the worse in each other?

I’m a bit of an introvert and he was an extrovert. He liked to be out and socialise and get drunk and smoke weed, I was the opposite. He was very passionate and I was not, his passion and anger scared the crap out of me. I never argued back as I was stunned. When I was with him I was like a rabbit in the headlights. He was and still is extremely emotional, way too emotional in my eyes but then that’s my opinion.

I couldn’t be what he wanted and he couldn’t be what I wanted. I withdrew and he got aggressive. His aggression hurt me and my withdrawal hurt him. He at times was really nasty, he liked to see me hurt because he said I was hurting him. It was awful and became really tit for tat. I didn’t realise I was withdrawing but he knew he was aggressive.

I blame myself in a way because I should have left him the first time he was aggressive towards me but I felt responsible for his actions because I wasn’t as passionate and outgoing as him.

We were a bad match and he punished me for it as he wanted me to be something I wasn’t and I didn’t understand I was fine as I was and we were not good together.

Ive been in a relationship now for over 2 years and he is so lovely, he is right for me. I’ve never been scared of him like my ex. My anxiety I suffered so badly with those years I was with my ex has vanished. My depression has gone.

It makes me think was he really abusive or did we just bring out the worse in each other? Did he find my withdrawal and anxiety abusive to him? He always used to say that I was too sensitive and he was passionate and couldn’t help it.

I think you are asking a perfectly natural question when you've been in an abusive relationship with someone who appears to have a healthy relationship with the next person. I've often wondered that of my exh who has remarried. Personally I don't think people change but unless she comes knocking on your door to speak to you you may never know

You need to speak to someone to get this sorted out in your head. He has been ordered to attend those courses because he was abusive to you and couldn’t even admit his abuse. If someone else decides to pursue a relationship w him good luck to her. The J, who sees thousands of cases and knows a thing or do, did not believe he wouldn’t repeat his behaviours. Not everyone is sent on courses like this.

I think you were in an abusive situation with your ex and that is quite clear.

The broader question is interesting though.

I have a couple of friends who have been married nearly 20 years, two kids, on the outside a seemingly great relationship and life together. The truth is they are fundamentally incompatible and make each other unhappy. There is love there, but they really should never have been together. He's very outgoing and fun, where as she is a homebody and quite conservative. Both truly lovely people but their differences have lead to depression in him and borderline controlling behaviour from her. It's not a good situation.

A bit different than in your case obviously but I do agree that there are situations where people are so incompatible that it harms them both to stay together.

How do you know so much about your friend's relationship @TidyDancer ?

I’m just feeling a bit down about it at the moment and confused.

Daughter has started contact with her dad now and going every other weekend. She comes back and says she has an amazing time, daddy’s girlfriend is so amazing. It’s obviously what you want to hear. But part of me thinks it’s so unfair he gets to have a nice life now. He was awful to me, during the last few years I developed M.E/chronic fatigue syndrome from all the stress, I ended up having a nervous breakdown and lost my hair. I struggle on a day to day basis and can’t do the things I want to anymore as I get tired. He is fit as a fiddle and completely un-effected.

Part of being an adult and coping with life in general is in recognising that life isn't fair. Don't be 5, and stamp your foot, and find yourself unable to think about anything other than how your life is worse than someone else's. It passes the burden of responsibility for your happiness to an external source.

If you want a happier life, you have to make it. There isn't really time for grizzling about what others have got, you'll be far too busy thinking about you, and your plans and your projects and your hobbies and your relationships and your aims and your goals. 'Why is my life rubbish compared to his/hers?' takes the focus off you. What would make your life better? Her life being shit? Or being so busy doing things you love that you haven't got time to think about her?

Yes @Watchkeys what you say is right. I’m 9 weeks after giving birth and finding myself sitting a lot and tired and my mind is dwelling on rubbish.

There are many things I can’t do anymore that I loved and I find myself tired with this illness. It’s rubbish I ended up with this because of a bad relationship and because of him and now for the sake of our daughter I have to communicate with him and have to hear about all the things he can do that I can no longer do. It’s suck.

Our daughter calls her daddy her hero when he really wasn’t it’s hard to hear.

Can you distract yourself? Anything you've always been interested in that you could grab a couple of audio books about, for example? Pick up that guitar and learn a scale? Put your name on the allotment waiting list and plan a plot?

He doesn’t treat her like he did me.

How would you know for sure?

Noone knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Women, and sometimes men for that matter, often put up with years of poor behaviour before they leave, if they ever leave.

Sges ignored massive red flags about him and his behaviour - the access issue, the court proceedings, the court ordered anger etc courses ..... And not only stayed but gotten pregnant by him. Those are not the actions of a healthy, wise, well adjusted individual... Regardless of how "nice" she appears or how nice your dd finds her.

Maybe she is too "nice", that's why she's with him.

Maybe they are both overcompensating during your DDS visits because they both know he is on thin ice for access, and thin ice for his reputation. He's been denied access, he's ben ordered on courses.... If he/they fuck up in the slightest and your dd reports it to anyone - he could be back in court. Back denied access, sent in more courses, his access to his second child with her having question marks over it.

Of course they are on the absolute best behaviour. She's probably compensating for him too, because she's clearly a door mat, unwise, martyr, fixer type - to have stated with him, given his situation & personality, let alone had a child with him..

And they only have to keep their best behaviour up for limited periods.

Our daughter calls her daddy her hero when he really wasn’t it’s hard to hear.

Chris Watt's daughter sang "my daddy is a hero".

Kids say whatever they're told/coached/encouraged to say.

They are too innocent and too ignorant to know anything a out anyone.

It's meaningless, sacharrine drivel.

He sounds abusive, the judge even twigged he takes no responsibility for his behaviour and get he needed psychological "help".

Why are questioning yourself - because he's over on to an apparently nice partner?.

Their relationship sounds quite young, so possibly still in the honeymoon period.

It's not a long-term time tested relationship.

You have no idea what his private behaviour is like, or will become.

He's on his absolute best behaviour because if the court ordered courses.

She's trying to make sure he keeps access and stats in the straight and narrow.

She may have very low standards.... In fact we know she does because she stayed with him, and brought a child into the world with him in spite of his circumstances.

There are millions of people in abusive relationships that don't even recognise them as abusive or if they even do, take years to get out.

I was in one myself for 13 months .... Where his exes thinking "why is he different with her, why can they make it work?". There were no outward signs, to relative strangers, that it was an abusive relationship.

Men like him are circulating trash - and the circulation tends to take a few years.

In the nicest possible way - wise up.

*Were his exes thinking "why is he different with her, why can they make it work?".

The whole time we appeared like a steady, functional couple, my abusive ex's behaviour was being unveiled gradually, slowly, bit by bit - with patterns emerging that couldn't be dismissed or denied any longer. Patterns that fitted with his (bullshit) stories about his previous relationships & exes.

I didn't leave during that time because I was heavily invested etc. And I didn't even have a child with him (!) This foolish woman does.

It is a terrible pity you have to deal with this bastard ongoing because of your dd - but it is is only til 16/17 or maybe even earlier if she sees the size of him and decided she doesn't want contact. That will fly by as usual. Keep your contact to the absolute utter minimum & necessary, and make sure your dd feels she can speak to you and confide in you about anything. Concentrate on continuing to build a lovely relationship between you two. You can control anything abuser and his current side kick do.

You didn’t press his buttons. He chose to react in the way he did every time and continuously over time. He didn’t reflect on his personality or behaviours like you are doing and probably never has. That shows you where the power is located in this relationship. Stop giving him the power. Take it back by not allowing him the space in your head.

Ive been in a relationship now for over 2 years and he is so lovely, he is right for me. I’ve never been scared of him like my ex. My anxiety I suffered so badly with those years I was with my ex has vanished. My depression has gone.

And you have a lovely new baby and sibling for your dd.

You may suffer some PTSD etc due to his behaviour but ultimately you got away from him, you moved in, you're in a good relationship, you have a new family.

You won.

He utterly failed to bring you down.

There are women on here who never escape abusers. Women who end up with addictions because of the abuse, women who end up dead prematurely from addictions. They let their lives be ruined by abusers.

You didn't, whatever happens re that dickhead his relationships, that will always be true.

Id agree with unhealthy

it wasn’t a good fit
what he needed and what you need are totally different

we all have our ways and characters and some people make us feel bad and confirm our bad beliefs we hold about ourself

on some levels I share some traits with your ex , I’m not abusive but I do lose my rag

now how we do this I don’t know
but forgiveness acceptance is critical

but you have to start with YOU