“You’re so difficult to live with”

[HeavyRapids]

I can’t begin to list all the problems we’ve had in the last 28 years, but I’m mentally exhausted by everything now. He’s never happy as in I know he’s chronically depressed but he won’t do anything about it. The last 10 years have been unbelievably stressful with his family business which is finally doing ok now but the relationships between the partners are beyond repair. When the kids were little ha had almost very little to do with them because he’s a workaholic but not through choice. I’ve done all the parenting.

Whenever I’m not feeling great mentally he has to turn it into a competition, he can never mentally support me when I’m need it like I have done for him. But I’m crumbling now. Ive been the foundations holding everything together even though I’ve suffered tragedy after
tragedy after tragedy but I’ve carried on because that’s what you have to do.

The last year for me has been the toughest by far. Like a fool I constantly put my faith in my husband (even though I don’t trust him 100% after everything we’ve been through) and things never seem to get better. It feels like we constantly chase “one day”.

His family are weird and defunct. I only have my mum left and she’s needed me to me her savour this last year after my dad died. That’s been hard.

And yet if I ever, ever raise my voice or show my unhappiness I get “you’re so difficult to live with” “why are you like this?”

This morning he barked at me calling me weird for filling a hot water bottle. We
don’t have the heating on and I wanted to be warm. I don’t think that’s weird!

Then when I made the mistake of reacting to it, he told me I’m impossible and he blamed my hormones. My hormones are totally fine, but mentally I know I’m wading though mud.

You have one life. Do you really want to spend it being shouted wall the time? He doesn't even make any bloody sense! There is snow on the ground throughout the country, and he is complaining about a hot water bottle? What's it got to do with him anyway?

You sound really fed up. Maybe it's time to move on and have a life away from him.

If he finds you difficult to live with, it's his responsibility to find somewhere where he's happier. He's passing the responsibility for his unhappiness to you. Don't take it.

Can you leave? He doesn't sound like he's going to accept responsibility for his life and change, so you have to accept responsibility for your life, and you have to change something.

It sounds like burn out, having propped him up for so long.

If someone said that to me, after decades of supporting his mental health I would probably make a decision to leave - on my own terms.

He is the only one that is allowed to be mentally unwell
He is the only one that is allowed support and help

What you are describing is not a partnership. It is not a marriage of equals. You have been given the role of emotional support crutch and everything else, whilst he has buried himself in work and need. He drains you of your own resources to cope with life, and whenever you draw attention to how unfair and difficult it is for you, he closes you down.

You can have counselling together
Or you can just walk away and finally have the kind of life that does not feel like you are walking through treacle alone.

Plan to get out. He simply sounds nasty and selfish.

If normal people are finding an aspect of their partner really challenging they decide if it's something they can work on, and if they then broach it with their partner. They don't make sweeping vague generalisations UNLESS for whatever reason they want you to feel bad. Not everyone who makes a criticism of you actually has a problem they want to resolve. Sometimes they're just immature and use hurting people to make themselves feel better and that's just the raw truth of it. The hard part is accepting that someone you're in a relationship wants to harm you. Staying in relationships with people who want to hurt us is awful for our minds and bodies.

Thank you!

swissmountains what you say there totally rings true and is exactly how I’m feeling! I can deal day to day but when he has an off day my anxiety just spirals out of control. He constantly promises things that never materialise. If I ask about it he will just snap at me and tell me how difficult it is! (I know he overloads himself with work and it’s been part of the problem, not through choice but to save the business.)

I just can’t emotionally deal with the stress any more. My dad used to be the one who I would turn to at crisis point and he’s not here now.