I need some perspective, tw rape

[Grouchketeer]

I need some outside perspective that isn't from a rape crisis centre or professional. Usually they want to validate your experience and be supportive and that isn't what I'm looking for.

A couple of years ago I think my partner may have raped me. I'm not really sure how to define what happened. I had broken up with him two years previously because he was abusive but we started seeing each other casually during the pandemic.

I was very drunk, but he wasn't at all and we were having sex. He wasn't able to finish and it was becoming painful so I told him to stop and to leave and go home. He left the room and I heard water running and passed out. I woke up to him coming back into the room and pulling me down towards the end of the bed and he just started back up again. What happened afterwards is hazy but I remember being shocked at what was happening and thinking I was being raped, but I didn't say anything to him, I think because I was either too drunk or because I didn't want an argument.

I didn't remember it the next morning and it was a few days before it came back to me. I have never brought up what happened and I'm afraid to say anything to him but I can't forget it. We now have a child together and never have sex because I don't want to at all.

Do you feel this was rape or is it a grey area? I don't know what to think.

You asked him to stop, he stopped and then came back and started again. That's rape.

Nothing grey here. He knew you said no because he stopped but then ignored it and came back to continue what you'd told him to stop.

Really sorry op but that's intentional rape.

Yes, he raped you.
I'm so sorry.

He should never have done that, and you never deserve to be treated that badly.
💐

Yes it is. He had a clear 'stop' from you, then started again without consent.

That was very clearly rape, you'd said to stop and even that he needed to go home so he shouldn't have even stayed let alone carried on with sex. I'd be strongly rethinking the relationship, I can't see how I'd stay with him any more.

I know I will get flack for this, but …

I just don’t understand why we need to label this. It’s seems to be poor/bad communication more than anything.

You’ve certainly a right to be angry with him and to bring it up (why are you with him?) but I don’t understand the need to label it or to wind yourself up by wondering if you were raped or not.

Are you actually just wondering if you should be angry about it? Because you have every right to be and you don’t need anyone else’s permission for that.

It was clearly rape. You say he was abusive prior to that, as well?

Are you still in a relationship with him? Do you need some help to get away?

I just don’t understand why we need to label this. It’s seems to be poor/bad communication more than anything.

The OP saying "stop" and asking him to leave is very clear communication which he ignored. We label it "rape" because it is rape. It should be labelled as the crime that it is.

@BerriesOnTop
"I just don’t understand why we need to label this. It’s seems to be poor/bad communication more than anything."

OP communicated to stop.
He understood the communication and stopped.

Their communication and understanding of it was clear on both counts.

I'm sorry, this would be closed as rape as you had passed out OP and where in no fit state to stop it physically or verbally.

"closed
*classed

100% rape. I so sorry OP.

I agree not a grey area, or “poor communication” or why label it?! ffs - aside from it being a legitimate criminal act…
he violated you as his partner and mother of his child, your body, your trust, and your wishes at a time when you were extremely vulnerable coming in and out of unconsciousness from that heavy sleep caused by way too much alcohol, that’s not your fault, you should be able to be safest with your partner in that state, most men would have taken care of you and been concerned for your safety. Your bf was not under the influence of anything and clearly made an evil and very deliberate selfish choice.

Combine that with the abusive relationship you say you left him for before, you really need professional support and from friends and family to help you leave this abusive rapist. He may likely do it again given the right circumstances. Please show yourself and your child that you are worthy of more and that this is not what relationships are supposed to be. Remember they look up to the adults in their life as role models, makes sure that’s a good thing.

@BerriesOnTop imagine if you'd stayed quiet instead.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

I had something similar happen to me about a year ago (trigger warning for the rest of my story which contains some details of my own assault).

I started seeing a long term male ''friend'' of a few years. Big mistake.

The second time we went out and then had sex, I quickly started feeling really uncomfortable, not enjoying it and it became painful.

I told him clearly to stop. He did not and instead force himself on me while I started crying hysterically.

For a while I was in shock after the event and blamed myself (after all I had initially consented to sex). I cut all ties with him after that night and after contacting the last woman he had dated (because she also had ''disappeared'' out of the blue and I was concerned that something might also have happened to her) she told me he had also been abusive to her throughout their short relationship.

It was only when I ended up seeking help from and talking to a sexual health clinic that the specialist nurse gently made me see that this was sexual assault, no doubt. He also removed the condom at some point making it also a case of ''stealthing'' because that vile creature gave me HPV.

It was really hard to wrap my head around all this because I had known him for several years and I was in denial after the event for a while.

You clearly withdrew your consent and then your partner took advantage of the fact that you were under the influence to assault you.

I would try to speak to someone if I were you for support and to help you make a plan to leave. Like a charity that supports women with abuse partners/victims of rape. Also get yourself tested for STIs.

I received specialist trauma counselling which was really helpful in helping function again.

@BerriesOnTop · Today 06:13
''I know I will get flack for this, but …I just don’t understand why we need to label this. It’s seems to be poor/bad communication more than anything.''

What is it about the word ''stop'' that you don't understand? Having sex with someone who has clearly told you to stop is not ''poor communication'', it is rape.

Damned right you should. JFC 😡

I don't want to stay with him anymore but at the moment I don't have much of a choice unfortunately.

Yes he is abusive but not physically, at least he hasn't hit me. Before he had counselling he would break things often. We are in a relationship because I'd thought he'd changed. During the end of 2020 we got back together. It was a mistake. I'm not in a position to leave or I would.

It's not a grey area. Definitely rape. Non-consensual and with an unconscious partner.
I'm sorry you got tangled up again with him. There will be ways to leave, start planning for it even if you can't see a way out at the moment.

@Greenfairydust

Thank you for sharing your story, very sorry that happened to you.

I do feel I am somewhat in denial as you were. I have had trauma counselling for PTSD as I've been assaulted before but I think that in this particular instance it hasn't helped. It could be because I've never discussed what happened with him and don't understand his motivations. I feel confused about it and can't seem to let it go.

@BerriesOnTop I don't really understand your response. You say OP has the right to feel angry. So you agree he did something wrong. The thing he did wrong was rape her. So...what are you saying?

What are your barriers to leaving your rapist and abuser?

Can you start making a plan to leave? If not now, can you see a point in the future?

If it's money/housing, there are refuges you could go to with your child while you get on your feet.