Best to Call it a Day?

[Shinygreenbeetle]

When I don’t overthink things, my relationship with BF is great - we have fun, laugh a lot, are affectionate. Kids (each have 2 DCs) get on really well.
As soon as I do start pondering, though - I don’t think I’m satisfied with our relationship.
BF is a quiet person, but his manner towards me can still be quite ‘polite’ at times, and our conversations generally are quite superficial. He’ll quite happily get involved with family events on my side, yet I’ve barely met his (parents once, sister twice)
BF tells me he loves me, thinks the world of me, wants a future together, but we never have any kind of discussion about what that might look like, and I know he’s happy just to bumble along indefinitely as we are.
He wants to spend a lot of time together but we mostly watch TV and films and don’t have much else in common, and no hobby or anything that we take part in together.
I’m trying to step back a bit, make him less important in my life and just try and ‘go with the flow’, but it doesn’t sit comfortably, and I can’t help but wonder if I’m missing the chance to meet someone who is actually enthusiastic about me and about building a life together - I feel like my BF sees me as a habit - convenient and a nice way to pass the time. There’s no passion, but should I just be happy with ‘stable’? So confused.

I found in the past that with passion also comes tends to come drama and game playing. I nearly ditched my OH 6 months in because I was unsure after being used to passionate yet crap relationships. 10 years later and we’re married and I’m content with life. I guess it depends how long you’ve been together and what your plans are for the future. But from experience, I’m so much happier with the steady life.

Thank you @MamaMountain we’re three years in and knew other as friends before dating. In terms of drama, I know what you mean - my previous two serious relationships were fraught - abuse from my DCs father, and unfaithfulness from my fiancé before that.
It’s not that I want that again - I’ve definitely had enough of all that - I just want to feel truly wanted and loved

I'm similar to @MamaMountain

After I divorced, I spent some time dating.

Exciting, powerful men with glamorous lives and loads of relationship drama - usually involving their ex-partners/gfs.

It was emotionally exhausting.

Then I took some time out from dating and met my (now) long-term partner on a casual night out.

We don't do exciting things, or have crazy hobbies, but we share something else - trust, respect and loyalty. It's us against the world, as the cliche goes. I wouldn't trade this for all the excitement provided by dramatic relationships.

Each to their own, though.

How long have you been together? Have you instigated any conversations about what the future might look like and what you both have as goals? Where did they lead? It sounds as if you’re just waiting for him to instigate one? Is it really that important to spend more time with his family, if he doesn’t see them as particularly central to his relationship with you? If you don’t like just watching films, have you suggested an activity you’d like to do together? What was his response?

It’s completely fine to say you want more from a relationship and refuse to settle: it doesn’t actually sound as though you’re wildly passionate about him, either, from your descriptions. You don’t have to stay just because he’s nice and kind; and he as much as you deserves somebody who feels more than just affection.

@Shinygreenbeetle @Trez1510 Sounds like we’ve had similar crap experiences, and it’s easy to think it’s the norm when it happens time after time. My daughter’s dad cheated on me with a friend and left me for her, and then put me through hell stalking/abusing me (He’s now doing the same to her years later) My DH was only on date two with me when my ex snatched my daughter and took her hundreds of miles away. I knew then he was a good guy because he stuck about supporting me. Honestly we have no crazy hobbies, just sit in bed and watch TV. DH doesn’t drink/go out so it’s basically just him and me in our little bubble. He’s not very good at showing affection or being passionate, but he works hard to show me he loves us other ways by providing us with stability and security, as well as supporting and bringing up a child that’s not his. My daughter’s dad has never financially supported her, and has only just recently been in touch after two years of no contact, and even then it’s only to suck up to the courts for him and his exes family court proceedings. My DH is the father figure she deserved and needed. I do mention to him that I’d like him to show me more love etc, but the way I look at it is that he’s always been this way, it’s just who he is. Besides given my past experiences if he was good at affection and flirting I’d be worried he’d be capable of doing it with someone else too. I know where I stand with him, and to be honest I’d rather that than the past relationships I’ve had. Funnily enough, those past exes haven’t managed to have long term relationships afterwards anyways!

@MamaMountain

Yep. It's too easy to say 'I love you' as a habit.

I see how my partner loves me every day in how he treats me, what he does for me, how he supports me, how he makes me laugh until I cry, how he tells (sometimes brutally) when I'm being an arse/unreasonable etc. etc. - often all within the same hour!

He receives the same from me. We're a partnership, rarely 50/50 as one or other of us is more assertive, more needy, more up, more down on any given day because we're different/separate people.

He found this excerpt from a poem a few years ago, and said 'That's us, isn't it!!??' I agreed.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of your be alone,
Even as the strings of the lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Similar to you, too, of those I dated, and am still updated on by mutual friends, none have achieved anything like a stable relationship either. 🙄

I might just embroider that passage for him for Valentine's Day - which we both loathe - for a joke!! 😛

Some times I wonder if people who find passion and excitement missing from their partner ever analyze what is it that they do to bring passion and excitement to the relationship..

Would your partner say that you bring passion or excitement to the relationship?

The question is not meant to be critical. I just find that sometimes when I am missing a feeling or an experience ,it helps to ask myself what am I doing to create the feeling or experience? Do I want what I am not giving?

What if your partner is waiting for you to sweep him of off his feet or to make him feel wanted? He may be just as frustrated with the situation as you are.

It is so easy to go from comfortable to boredom without even realizing that it is happening. Even the most appetizing dish loses its appeal if you eat it often enough with no variation or change.

@Trez1510 haha I love that! We always send each other horrible valentine/birthday cards too 😂

@Mari9999

Wise words indeed. 👍

There’s no passion, but should I just be happy with ‘stable’

Who's responsible for working out what 'should' and 'shouldn't' be happening in your life, @Shinygreenbeetle ? Obviously you have to obey laws like the rest of us, but with regard to emotional issues like this one, who is the authority that tells you what you should and shouldn't do, in order to make yourself happy?

I think you know the answer !
and this is YOU

on paper there’s nothing wrong with what he is and does
but if you feel it’s rather staid and passionless then move on

trust your own gut ?

and what Mari999 said is also true
it takes two to tango