Control?

[Thislife55555]

Are these signs of control?

I was talking to my partner about the difficulties we have faced with our first child, normal level conversation, I am mid flow and he just talks right over me! He wasn't looking at me either when I was talking, this has happened frequently before. I got annoyed and said hang on you just didn't let me finish and talked over me and I said it is rude. He then called me a wanker and I said woah that's nasty what is that?! I haven't ever called him that, I said that's horrible and childish, he then told me to shut the F up! I then said I am ending the conversation as that's controlling and white abusive! I am gutted tbh! Conversations have gone this way a few times in the past, fact is he never seems to relaly want to hear what I have to say and seems to listen when he doesn't really want to and is very quick to have his say, it's very heated and argumentative, I don't think it's at all normal. Abs to top it off he then said I am losing the plot!!!! I said what?! How can you say that? You just talked over me, then called me a wanker then told me to shut the F up and now it's caused an argument it's all my fault and I'm losing the plot! I very much am not losing my mind!

We have had issues before Christmas for a while and I nearly left him but it's so hard as it's not that simple it'll tear everything apart, I partly think it's for the best long term but it terrifies me as I don't have a huge support network and a 3.5 yo child, I will also have to move towns and possibly jobs, I can't believe me have managed 3 wks and we're back to this again.

Do this sound like controlling behaviour? I don't like how he stood there telling me you are losing it, you have lost the plot?! Why for pointing out all the things he said are not normal 😣

No, that alone isn't controlling. Just a bit shitty.

I would say abusive for sure. Some of what you describe are the narcissistic traits and those are not easy to deal with. One thing is for sure this will not go away unless you deal with it right away. I would start a serious conversation about what is unacceptable behavior for you and see how it goes.

This has happened before, he often thinks it's ok to just talk straight over me, it's so rude. Our daughter does it also which was partly what we were discussing, she is nothjng like myself in that regard but she is only 3.5 but is very forthright and has to have her say even if we tell her she needs to wait she tells us no, no no and continues. Her dad often appears to only be half listening to what I have to say and I know for sure as soon as he doesn't let me finish. He's called me things like this before, I never feel compelled to say such a thing and it seemed so extreme I only said woah hang on I hadn't finished that is rude and he didn't like it so resorted to name calling which is just childish and a bit nasty, why not say I'm sorry and want to diffuse a mistake but no he then proceeded to them also tell me to shut up. He usually slams the door full force as he walks away from me; he did that not too long ago and had thrown my cardigan in my face at a strong force, I have never thrown a thing at him and I do not know how he'd react even if I did at the force he does to me, this tells me he does it because he knows he can get away with it!

I asked him to sign divorce papers before Xmas and was ready to just do it but then he does what he does and try's to forget about it so do I because facing the reality of parting ways is too much to bear and we end up here, this has to be the last straw, I know it won't change, I have to face that or accept a life of living this cycle on repeat knowing it'll never change, I also think I deserve a man who respects me mucu kore then this who genuinely listens with interest not listens like he knows he should or not at all then does what he does!

It's abusive.

And it's gaslighting (calling you horrible names and then telling you you are nuts to hqve a problem with it).

He doesn't respect you. You can't make him.

No way am I hanging around a man who talks to me like that. Let alone one who then tries to make me the bad guy. He's abusive, time to go.

@Pinkbonbon I think there is a lack of respect, it's the not letting me finish speaking, I can see him ready to jump in with what he wants to say, I don't go on either, I don't have this issue in everyday life with other people.

I must be so naive because I've put up with this for years and never really realised, I have tho

@Pinkbonbon sorry hit send. I think for yrs I've been teaching myself that I am right that it is not me, and I've realised I've learned how to argue back and I do know what I am talking about!! But I realise now that this isn't normal either that I shouldn't be having to do this! That conversation shouldn't be this difficult, I shouldn't be having to sit here thinking through what he's said and coming back defending myself. I'm proud of myself sticking up with misled but annoyed it's taken me this long to learn this. I just hit a wall trying to walk away from this and I think it's a total dread and fear of the unknown! He's very clever and able to sort out things whereas I know I can figure it out but it takes me longer. I think the way he'd deal
With the split would also very much teach me what he relaly thinks of me, I could only ever want it to be as smooth as possible as it's truly awful, I hate confrontation and very apologetic by nature this is never where I saw this heading and It makes me feel sick the idea of having to try and make myself see what I'm dealing with here and sorting it all out and standing on my own two feet.

I think if your instinct is that he is the sort of person who would be an utter shit if you broke up thrn that tells you exactly who he is. The people by our side, should be good human beings. He isn't in the way he treats you now and you know he acts even shittier when he doesn't get to control the narrative. People like that need to be kept as far away from us as possible. Leaving might not be easy but it's only in removing the bad from our lives that we create space for good things to come into them.

@Pinkbonbon he knows I'd have no idea where to start with selling the house, I've got more of an idea but when we nearly parted ways before Xmas he said to me, well you can put the house up for sale and sort that out and you can cancel meeting with our friends for NYE! I said fine no problem even though I had no idea where to start but I thought then here's the even nastier side now coming out and that told me a lot too. I know he'd likely make me sort a lot of things out to make my life awkward and that's not good!!! It says eveything doesn't it! He wouldn't help it to be amicable but then should I be expecting him to be, but I just can't be like that! Just fed up of this also it's just crap, negative, not living this life we have, it's wasting time and energy

Selling the house is easy. Visit some Estate agents, they send ppl round to do a free valuation on your property. Often they have their own solicitors too (that'll help you handle the sale).

Shitty men like to tell you what you'd 'never be able to do'. Really it's just bs. Sure, new things are scary but there's always someone you can ask about next steps if you get stuck.

He's just trying anything he can to keep you down. Because he's a sad excuse for a human that instead of being a decent person, would rather step on order people in order to feel good.

hoa.org.uk/advice/guides-for-homeowners/i-am-selling/step-by-step-guide-to-selling-your-home/

www.moneysavingexpert.com/mortgages/how-to-sell-a-house/

People do it all the time, @Thislife55555 Stupider, slower people with less life experience than you. So what if you don't know how to do it? You can learn!

My exH did the exact same. With him it was part of a wider pattern of feeling extremely uncomfortable if he was not centre of attention. I guess a kind of narcissism. I could see it come over him, if I was talking, or anyone really. He got anxious, needing to be heard. In the end I felt kind of sorry for him -- it wasn't aggression so much as a pathological inability to 'see' or be interested in people on more than a superficial level. Being with him caused me to lose all my confidence. He made me feel like I was boring, when it was the other way round. He was boorish and overbearing. It was a slow discovery that he did not respect me in any way, and indeed I was threatening to him. He had no insight into this, and no interest in gaining any. When my career finally began to recover, I didn't invite him to anything where the spotlight was on me, because he couldn't help make it about himself. I left him and the relief was massive. To have normal conversations and to find I am funny and interesting was a revelation. He remains bewildered about what was wrong with his behviour, despite having been told so many times.

I disagree. Talking over someone is rude but not necessarily abusive.

@Watchkeys stupider, slower people than me...😳 not quite sure how to take this response

@Thislife55555 @Watchkeys was being complimentary- saying that you absolutely do have the ability to take control of your situation and sell your house if you need to.
Sharing my experience to hopefully give you some confidence - my ex (father to my DC) was much like how you describe your DP. I spent so many years walking on eggshells trying to avoid his tirades, his subtle put downs, his claims of ‘this is my house and if you don’t like it, you can leave’, matched with his declarations of all the things I’d never be able to do / have without him. Threats to take the children away from me, threats of violence, (actual violence, eventually, financial abuse and sexual coercion - these behaviours do tend to progress) - a constant drip, drip, drip of emotional abuse every day.
When I saw the effect his behaviour was having on my children, it was the biggest wake up call I could have had. I left, and I have never looked back.
It is hard, there will be things you don’t know and will have to find out about to move on - but you can do it. You can.

You're smarter and quicker, with more experience in life than many people who have successfully sold houses. You'll do it fine!

Sorry, didn't mean it to be ambiguous, it was meant to bolster you during your moments of low confidence.

Thank you all for the replies! Much appreciated and sorry @Watchkeys for the mixup, thank you for the links which I'll check out later on 🙏

Just so hard to gauge this, I posted as sitting here wondering if it seems obv perhaps to others that something doesn't seem right.

It's the way in whcih is constantly talks over me, dismisses me a lot when he's decided what I'm saying isn't it interest but it's then the name calling whjch has happened before a few times then saying I've lost the plot because I'm defending myself, I think he knows he can't defend himself at all when he's said such things! It's a defence mechanism to lash out but again that's an awful and almost childish way to deal with a situation when you can't let your ego go and admit you are in the wrong!

It sounds very rude, but that alone is not abusive. The nasty name calling is though.

You said " I am ending the conversation as that's controlling and white abusive "

What does 'white abusive' mean?

Quite not white.

Things have escalated, I've come home feeling miserable, I just feel totally flat about it all, he's gone on the defensive now, although he been messaging me all day trying to sort it out. But I've said I've had enough of it all and he's become funny again and I said I relaly do need to leave and he said leave then, what's stopping you, there's the door! I said no, you leave what's the difference! He said you earn money don't you?! I work part time! I can't afford rent or even a down payment! He has a very high paying job for a very wealthy business! He then said go to your dads then who is over an hour away and not suitable he's so old and in and out of hospital, I can't even commute to work easily from there itd be a nightmare! He said it's not his problem, just seen the vile nasty side to him and now panicking feeling like I don't want to live here but I have no choice until the house can be sold! He has more than enough money to rent but is being nasty. Im wondering if I should speak to women's aid for advice, is this an Avenue for decent support! I don't even know if I should leave the marital home and don't want to either as I don't want to leave my child where will she go at my dads and I can't even afford to rent!

This has to be the last straw doesn't it, this is not normal and no one should be having to put up with this, im sitting here feeling so uncomfortable in this house together, I just can't bear the idea of being here in the same house as him. He's also told me he doesn't want to use a solicitor to sort our finances out, I don't know if this is right or not! He's told me what half I get from the house sale he wants to take the value of my car from it as he paid for it but forgets I put thousands in over the yrs in to a joint savings which would have partially gone to the car along with other things. He earns so much more than me, I sacrificed having a career of choice due to the hours clashing with his and fact I have no family support so I work a job that fits around my child and school, I work part time because it was hectic and stressful him working the job he does and the hours and me rushing round mostly after our daughter, he pays me an amount each month to make up for the shortfall being now part time but he will def org draw this soon as we decide a split is done so I will have to try and sort out a form of financial help until I can figure out what I'm going to do long term

It's ok for him he has a very well paid job and a careee, private pension, access to a further £15k when he takes the value of my car from the hosue sale along with life long career prospects, he doesn't seem to give a shit! What have I married 😖

Hello OP, I know that this all may sound impossible to solve and untangle but it really is not. Do not agree on anything he is "offering" you before talking to a lawyer/solicitor. Mostly you should be entitled to at least half of everything you own together, so no, he does not get to "keep"anything himself. You need to talk about this and see how to divide your assets fairly. If you cannot talk together you may need to hire a mediator or, like I said, preferably a lawyer/solicitor. Hang in there.

Do you feel he treats you as his equal?

Or do you think he treats you as some kind of junior partner that he can just shout down if you say/do anything he doesn’t like?