Very different to both my parents

[LindorDoubleChoc]

I did not have a good childhood and have quite a remote relationship with my remaining parent (the other one died 11 years ago).

I don't know if it's subconscious, or rebellion, or what - but I'm just so different to both of them!

I guess this is normal if you don't feel particularly attached to your parents? But then character is formed before the age of 7 so they say. I was loved and cared for in my early childhood, it all went bad from the age of 10 when they went through a one-sided divorce and I had utterly miserable teen years until I left home for University.

It's quite confusing. For instance, my mother is very organised, proud house-keeper and an advance-planner and a worrier, very stubborn, self focused and depressive. I'm not like this at all!

Is it because I sub-consciously don't want to be like her? Does anyone relate?

It's quite confusing. For instance, my mother is very organised, proud house-keeper and an advance-planner and a worrier, very stubborn, self focused and depressive. I'm not like this at all!

I'm very organised, an advance planner and a worrier.
dc1 is the complete opposite of this.

dc2 isn't a worrier (I wasn't at their age) but is very like me in the rest of it

dc3 is a worrier, but really struggles with organisational stuff.

This is just all our personalities, IMO and nothing to do with the closeness - or otherwise - of your relationship.
I have a close relationship with all my dc, but it doesn't mean we all have the same personalities or characteristics.

I worked with a psychotherapist once who said that it was quite common for the Golden Child in a family to adhere to the reqired narrative as they have subconsciously learnt that approval and their privileged position is dependent on them doing so and being nothing like the scapegoat. He also said it was equally common for the Scapegoated child to become everything their parent wasn't in a subconscious effort to distance themselves.

I had a similar tricky childhood but with my father being the distant one. My mum has some bits of her personality that I dislike- over-reflective, clings into trauma and can be a bit negative. Despite this I do have a good relationship with my mum.

I also would say in many ways I am nothing like my parents. I think it's a mix of inheriting bits of both personalities so the combination 'comes out' differently, having a loving DH who helps make me feel completely secure, safe and able to be outgoing and feel self-assured and also developing higher levels of emotional intelligence through my experiences. I do think there's an extent to which we watch and learn. And if we are emotionally switched on enough we learn what patterns we want to avoid repeating.

We were very loved but our parents had a messy divorce when I was a similar age to you op.

I think I probably am like DM -organised, worrier, forward planner.
My older sibling (who was 13) is the polar opposite to us, frustratingly so at times. So laid back as to never worry, totally unorganised, forgets everything.
Younger sibling is actually more and more like our absent parent, even thought they were only 8 when they left and we were all pretty much brought up by DM anyway as DF worked away a lot.