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Relationships

Triangulation / exH making a drama out of everything

18 replies

Emaryt · 17/01/2023 18:53

Abusive ex does this all the time. Is anyone else going through similar? He will always create drama and involve other parties; it's so unpleasant. He will never come straight to me with a query / complaint etc. he always tries to involve a third party. Before we had the court order in place he would show up at school after he knew I had collected the DCs and act surprised and upset that I had "taken" them. Today he turned up at school to collect for contact but DC2 wasn't there due to being off sick. I had told my ex this but he 'didn't see' the message (he had his phone to scold me though!) And made a big fuss. I called school to explain and they said he's now asking them to tell him when DC is not in school on his days. Even though I always tell him! When DC was younger he complained to the nursery (that we had jointly enrolled them into, prior to splitting up) that DC were not vegetarian, when they had been up to that point. He could have just mentioned this to me, I wouldn't have even cared if DC stopped being veggie (and actually they did start eating meat). He takes DCs to the doctor and dentist for bizarre reasons and doesn't tell me till afterwards. He will ignore correspondence from me and goes straight to the childminder to complain to her about me. It is completely exhausting having our dirty laundry aired publicly on a constant basis. Is there any way to stop this?? It is so embarrassing

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mitsandscarf · 17/01/2023 18:58

What method do you use to communicate? There are some good parenting apps (my family wizard) so no one can say they didn’t get a text message

trying to communicate with another party who is hell bent on not is infuriating

my ex and me were ordered to use the app and he’s ignored that and uses his solicitor to write to me with what should be in the app.

off to court again as he continues to breach the order!!

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80s · 17/01/2023 19:03

Send more messages, via different apps, and phone, until it's really obvious he's taking the mickey if he says he got no message.

Tell other people what's going on.

Remember that everyone else can see he's making a drama, and they're judging him.

And let the school phone him every day. Not your problem. If they speak to you about it, tell them the issue; otherwise just let him get on with it. Other people don't find his antics as interesting as you might think.

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ghjklo · 17/01/2023 19:12

i think the idea of one place that all messages go like the App PP suggested is a really good idea. Then put everything on there, allow school or other relevant persons access if necessary then he can't say he didn't see it unless of course you forget to update it. Also read receipts for messages are a good idea if you could activate them, or use Whatsapp or something that shows you when read. Using multiple channels is annoying but will cover you.

A chat with the school wouldn't go amiss, to explain his behaviour and why he's doing it - they might suggest a solution that helps you out a bit.

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Emaryt · 19/01/2023 22:27

mitsandscarf · 17/01/2023 18:58

What method do you use to communicate? There are some good parenting apps (my family wizard) so no one can say they didn’t get a text message

trying to communicate with another party who is hell bent on not is infuriating

my ex and me were ordered to use the app and he’s ignored that and uses his solicitor to write to me with what should be in the app.

off to court again as he continues to breach the order!!

We had been using email. He will text me but then block my number (I think) as I am unable to send him texts. They remain greyed out so I have no recourse to reply to him. We now have an app called talking parents but he's already using it in bad faith; it was on this app that I messaged him and he still said he didn't see it. The app says when messages are opened, but not when the person received the notification. I think it's a bit of a gimmick honestly! He will still find a way to be difficult.

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Emaryt · 19/01/2023 22:30

ghjklo · 17/01/2023 19:12

i think the idea of one place that all messages go like the App PP suggested is a really good idea. Then put everything on there, allow school or other relevant persons access if necessary then he can't say he didn't see it unless of course you forget to update it. Also read receipts for messages are a good idea if you could activate them, or use Whatsapp or something that shows you when read. Using multiple channels is annoying but will cover you.

A chat with the school wouldn't go amiss, to explain his behaviour and why he's doing it - they might suggest a solution that helps you out a bit.

He's blocked me on WhatsApp and told me in no uncertain terms that he will not be reading any messages I send him 😒

School see it very much as a "messy divorce" but it really is one sided... I am trying to be civil and strange / yellow rock and he is willfully being as nasty and difficult as possible. It's unbearable!

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ethermint · 19/01/2023 23:22

do you have a third party who can relay messages to him e.g. his parents or something? it's not ideal but it might work?

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mitsandscarf · 20/01/2023 09:53

I feel your pain, it sounds so similar to my situation. I literally feel like at court next I will be saying I’ve exhausted all methods of trying to effectively communicate. Does he have a solicitor?

my daughter had lovely long hair and on her return he had been to the hairdressers and had 9 inches cut off, I was devastated but kept quiet. Do you have a court order in place? Im sure you say you have, I would possibly apply for a variation and have loads more added in to it

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mitsandscarf · 20/01/2023 09:53

Feel free to PM

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Emaryt · 23/01/2023 20:01

ethermint · 19/01/2023 23:22

do you have a third party who can relay messages to him e.g. his parents or something? it's not ideal but it might work?

Not really, unfortunately. My parents are too elderly and he has totally fucked their mental health over the years so it would not be fair to ask. DSis has mental health issues and young family of her own so can't really ask her. I did have a friend who bravely volunteered to be an intermediary but ex was so vile to her (asking if she had a DBS because she was "dealing in matters concerning the children" when she didn't, etc.) that she had to stop. The judge had said to use an intermediary but i think he wouldn't use my friend because he saw her as a threat. Ex has no siblings and his dad has died. His mum is absolutely toxic and a large part of the reason he is the way he is; I feel totally ill whenever I'm around her. Also she hates me! 🥲

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Acheyknees · 23/01/2023 20:16

You've got to make the drama HIS problem and rise about it. When he berated you after going to school to pick the DC up, you need to give a bland 'oh dear, didn't you read my message, I thought we'd agreed to use the x app'.
When he moans to doctor/dentist/childminder, you just say 'sorry, he must have forgotten the arrangements' and leave it at that. Its not for you to engage other than to communicate via the app. Don't feed his desire for drama.

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DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/01/2023 21:14

Can you pre empt it in some way? Eg email the school to notify of illness and copy him into the email? So they can see he has had it. Or screen shot your message to him and email them (or the dentist or whatever) 'Emma wont be in school today as she has a temperature. Please note her dad has been advised (see attached screenshot of message app and email) but often claims not to have been made aware so may try and come and collect'

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bibliomania · 24/01/2023 08:19

Don't waste your time trying to find solutions. Keep sending the messages as you've been doing (for one thing, you have evidence if he claims in court that you don't communicate). Then be bored and slightly amused by his antics and wait it out. This stage will pass. He's embarrassing himself in front of everyone and if you act with dignity and integrity, you'll have more quiet allies than you might think. He's trying to get you to waste your time in stupid games - don't accept his invitation to play.

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mitsandscarf · 24/01/2023 12:20

bibliomania · 24/01/2023 08:19

Don't waste your time trying to find solutions. Keep sending the messages as you've been doing (for one thing, you have evidence if he claims in court that you don't communicate). Then be bored and slightly amused by his antics and wait it out. This stage will pass. He's embarrassing himself in front of everyone and if you act with dignity and integrity, you'll have more quiet allies than you might think. He's trying to get you to waste your time in stupid games - don't accept his invitation to play.

Going through the same thing and I completely agree with your post, the school have been good and helped as best they can and now have a copy of the court order, I really feel for the OP and it’s a really draining position. We are just trying to co parent with very difficult individuals. My ex had an affair and is now with the woman, that’s why I applied for divorce. For someone who is meant to be happy I don’t know why he’s acting so difficult. I will be watching this thread as their have been some good tips!

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Emaryt · 25/01/2023 19:52

School, preschool and social services (when their early intervention service were involved) all requested a copy of the CAO but he refused to share it, which was really annoying!

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Emaryt · 25/01/2023 19:57

mitsandscarf · 24/01/2023 12:20

Going through the same thing and I completely agree with your post, the school have been good and helped as best they can and now have a copy of the court order, I really feel for the OP and it’s a really draining position. We are just trying to co parent with very difficult individuals. My ex had an affair and is now with the woman, that’s why I applied for divorce. For someone who is meant to be happy I don’t know why he’s acting so difficult. I will be watching this thread as their have been some good tips!

Sorry to hear about your ex ☹ what a bastard! Suspect my ex cheated on me multiple times but no proof and he was the one who ended things. He's on his second "long-term" relationship now, about 9m they've been together, they sound happy enough but he's still awful to me. I can't understand it. People said he'd be nicer once he'd moved on but if anything he seems to be worse; I don't know if the new gf is egging him on or something.

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Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 25/01/2023 20:00

Just email the school and copy him in on it, put cc wasteofspaceex at the bottom so it is clear you have copied him in, even if you also ring the school to let them know.

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mitsandscarf · 25/01/2023 21:59

Emaryt · 25/01/2023 19:57

Sorry to hear about your ex ☹ what a bastard! Suspect my ex cheated on me multiple times but no proof and he was the one who ended things. He's on his second "long-term" relationship now, about 9m they've been together, they sound happy enough but he's still awful to me. I can't understand it. People said he'd be nicer once he'd moved on but if anything he seems to be worse; I don't know if the new gf is egging him on or something.

I just don’t understand why they want so much drama and they are just not thinking of the children at all. Happy people tend not to go on like this, maybe your ex isn’t so happy after all!. My ex partner detests me as does his partner, his partner fills out all his court paperwork 🫣I feel indifferent about the pair of them now, I just feel like im failing as a parent because I can’t co parent with this person, I’ve tried everything!. I have another daughter and me and her dad are like best mates, no court order in place and help each other out if needed. People say things will calm down but this mess has been going on for ages now, im sick to death!

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mitsandscarf · 25/01/2023 22:00

I think it’s a good idea what someone suggested above and cc him into emails,you can only do so much.

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