How to keep relationships with extended family when NC

[Thebirdsweredancing]

I’m NC with my mum. She has let me down since I was young and has a drinking problem. This has been going on my whole life but have either been LC or NC over the past 15 years. I’ve tried my best especially in my teenage years/early 20’s. I’m 30 now and I just can’t forgive and forget. She can’t seem to take responsibility for anything she does and is ultimately a very selfish woman.

My family still invite me to places and can’t stop making comments about how great she is. I get the feeling that they feel sorry for her because she’s always portraying herself as a victim. She hides how bad her drinking is as well. She only sees the family every few months anyway so it’s not like they truly know her that well. I get the usual comments “Oh but she’s still your mum” or “That was years ago” or “She doesn’t drink as much anymore” do they not understand that none of it matters!!!! I’ve been without parents for so many years that I don’t even know her anymore. I need to set some boundaries rather than avoiding family invites. I do try to go to things but it depends on the situation.

I’ve gone to a couple of things recently and my Aunt couldn’t stop praising my mum and then again one time my mum wasn’t there but she still couldn’t stop talking about her. Is she trying to get to me? She’s become close to my mum (her sister) in the last few years but ultimately you can’t deny what she’s done wrong to me. I genuinely feel like none of them actually care about my feelings or how awkward this must be for me. It’s so obvious that they’ve all sided with her all these years. How am I meant to be a part of this family but still staying NC or LC with her.

I love my cousin’s very much and we were very close growing up so I would like to spend time with them. Aunties and Uncles too but obviously I have noticed a difference in how they are treating me. I’m being made to feel guilty in my opinion. Has anyone else gone through something similar? I think with Aunts/Uncles it’s a generational thing, that you shouldn’t treat your parents like this no matter what they’ve done. My cousin’s have all had great parents so they couldn’t possibly understand the life I’ve had.

I'm NC with my mum. I don't have any extended family (that I ever grew up knowing anyway), so that's been a non-issue. Where there has been an issue is with longstanding friends, including friends of my mum's who were like 'aunties' to me.

I've been very open and honest with everyone about what's happened. Actually, it's quite a serious situation where my dc were at risk of harm. Having heard the whole story from me, 90% of people have been very supportive. Some of them are still vaguely friends with my mum but not that close anymore because her personality has changed a lot over the years in an unhealthy relationship. Some of them have nothing to do with her anymore. Some of them she has completely cut off because she knows they know the truth. The very small minority who support her (the 'flying monkeys') honestly I've weeded them out of my life.

I think you have two choices really. You can be honest with these family members about why you have no relationship with her and explain that it's very difficult to hear them say the things they do, but that you care about them and want them in your life, so could they please not speak of your mum when you are together. Or if they can't and won't respect that boundary, honestly it's not a relationship that serves you in the long run and I would be inclined to distance myself from them. I've found the most wonderful support from places I never expected it and I think if you aren't getting what you need from family, no matter how much you want it, then it's okay to let it fizzle out if it protects you in the long run.

It actually hurts. By me setting boundaries I will constantly be explaining myself or calling people out for their comments. Which makes me the problem member of the family in their eyes. I also think it’s easier to push aside the quiet victim than to hold the angry drunk accountable.

My Aunts/Uncles know what she’s like but I suppose they are siblings. They are going to side with their sister because to them it’s not that serious. So what she gets drunk sometimes… they only see her a few times a year. It’s making me feel like a horrible daughter and a very unforgiving person but I can’t force myself. I don’t know how to trust her again. I don’t generally have time for selfish people in my life and family is included in that.