Leaving an EA relationship

[Endoftheroad12345]

Hi all

I posted her a day or two ago and got some very helpful and reassuring advice from @alcemeg @whycantitbecalm

among others!

just wanted to reassure you I am OK - I just asked MN to pull the thread as husband asked me what I was doing on my phone and I stupidly replied “on mumsnet” before I thought. I actually don’t think he believed me (he is constantly in the look out for evidence of an affair, remember 3/10 “maybe a 4” abuse is not a reason to end a marriage) but just wanted to be cautious.

Anyway - to anyone else in this situation - ❤️❤️❤️
I am hoping that like @alcemeg I will go on to have an “extraordinary life” afterwards.
I have taken to playing Tubthumping by Chumbawamba on the way to work to gee myself up 🤪😂
We will probably be telling the kids this weekend and I feel sick.

I only just saw this!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 💗💗 💗 💗 💗 I am so so SO happy for you!

Well bloody done

You deserve every happiness. Enjoy your peaceful weekend!
X

Oh God, would you believe I had already forgotten that comment about our marriage being a 3/10 for abuse “maybe a 4” 🤪🤪🤪

It has been a stressful process and telling the kids was awful but they have taken it far far far better than I had dared to hope.
We are finally now negotiating the asset split.
It is so nice to have a calm home, I love hanging out with my kids and we have so much fun together without him barking orders at us. Life is good!!!!

Out of interest, now that you are no longer in that situation daily: What score out of 10 would you give it?

I think it's very important to stress, for women in this kind of relationship, how much we downplay it and minimize what's going on - simply because we have no experience of anything better.

A calm home is the most important thing in the world. It can be very simple, just four walls and a floor and ceiling. That's all we need to start recreating our own reality. Mine was a little rented bedsit with all the stuff from the shed piled up in the corner.

Away from that relationship, though, I have really flourished. I now earn three or four times what my ex-DH does, yet throughout our time together I operated more or less as his PA/skivvy/nursemaid and had terrible badly paid jobs that mirrored the situation at home.

Ah I just remembered - it was your husband who gave it a 3, maybe a 4!🤦‍♀️

But the same question to you:

Asked at the time, what score would you have given it?

And now??

At the time I think I would have said maybe 6? But now I would say 10. Of course we had good times as well - usually when on holiday when absolutely zero real life stress (even then he would have meltdowns) but the presence of physical intimidation, verbal abuse, name calling, withholding affection, controlling behaviour, numerous instances of assault over 20 years
… if that’s not 10/10 abuse what is?!

Exactly, that’s 10/10 abuse.