Awake and worried

[frugalnecessity]

Context: relationship of 2 years m (33), f (32), live separately, no children.

My boyfriend is a bit of a sensitive soul and, due to a bad experience at an old job, has quite a lot of anxiety around work. His current workplace is toxic and he is trying to get out. He made a relatively minor mistake at work a couple of weeks ago and, due to his anxiety, has been really affected with worries that he won't be able to rectify it and he has not been sleeping or eating properly. He has been offloading onto me and I have done my best to listen and be supportive.

Last night he talked about becoming an ordained minister which was a big shock to me and made me question whether he was having a mental health crisis as this would be completely unrealistic - he doesn't go to church or anything although he does have a faith, I am agnostic. I spoke to him this evening and said I was concerned for his mental wellbeing and he accused me of calling him 'crazy' (which I didn't) and said I'm overreacting, that he was just musing aloud and wasn't going to become a vicar, that he can't tell me anything because I just overreact and worry.

I mean of course I worry when he's super anxious and not sleeping or eating or thinking properly but he turns it all around on me and says 'I can't talk to you, I wish I'd never said anything'. He has many good qualities and things are good when he is not in one of his episodes but I just have no idea how to help and feel that perhaps he needs someone different and maybe I need to get out of this relationship. He becomes very insular when he's like this and forgets about everyone else (my granny is v ill and he has barely asked about her but he denies this). He is enquiring about hypnotherapy and counselling which is positive.

I'm doing my best but I'm exhausted and I have tried to support him through crises before but he doesn't seem to appreciate it. I am not getting any younger and I am wondering whether I need someone less emotionally demanding and he needs someone who can switch off/not worry about him like I do. Are we just not compatible? What do you think?

Also when I make suggestions like 'perhaps you should go to see your GP' he says he feels that I am judging him for not doing enough. It seems that everything I do is wrong

OK. I mean this in the kindest way and I'm not saying I'm right but have you tried just backing off?

I found your post quite claustrophobic to read with talk of a 'sensitive soul'; mental health crises and being supportive. On the surface, being supportive is good - obviously! But you describe yourself worrying about him for not eating and sleeping. That seems excessive to me.

I wonder if he just wants to vent and get things out of his head - like a mental download - and isn't actually looking for you to solve the problems for him.

Some problems have to be allowed to just work themselves through and, when you're in a highly anxious state, someone offering helpful suggestions is just more mental noise that you don't have the capacity to process or respond to.

I'd try listening rather than trying to solve it for him tbh.

Are you happy with him? Does he make you feel amazing in bed? Does he cherish you? If no to any of these, just end it. You are young and free!

You sound more like his counsellor than a partner, he sounds exhausting. Just end it op, your obviously not happy.

He sounds a bit of a wet sock if I'm honest OP.

He made a relatively minor mistake at work, a 33 yr old male, no dependents, and he isn't sleeping or eating properly.. what would happen in a real crisis?

Ordained minister, so basically he thinks it's an easy out, house provided, you wonder around drinking tea preaching about how you need to be strong and guided by faith? Except it's not going to be like that at all is it?

And you react by saying mental health crisis, go to your GP. Whole situation is nuts.

A minor mistake at work.
Work is something you need to do to pay bills.
Depending what you do depends on responsibility and salary etc.
But a minor mistake, everyone makes them, you get on with life as if it hasn't happened the following day surely.

Chill OP. There really isn't anything to fix here.

If you feel like you might need to get out, get out. Healthy relationships don't feel like that.

I think it's time for you to separate. I'm thinking more of you than him now. You need someone who doesn't blame you when you try to be helpful. You need someone with a bit more spine as well. The person you choose to spend your life with has to enhance your life not make you feel bad.

As someone who has suffered for years with anxiety @GreyCarpet has given the perfect response. I would try listening and letting him vent rather than trying to fix things. He probably knows the answers himself but just needs to offload to lessen the severity in his mind. If he has trouble stopping the worries, in that they are on a constant loop he may have OCD obsessional thinking but I strongly agree that he maybe just needs a friendly ear rather than a counsellor in you. Could the career change have been a bit of a joke- a lot of people with anxiety use humour to hide behind or to break the hold in their minds a bit at times, I know I do.

I personally would get out now. Especially if you want a family in the future as imagine the stresses of family life on top of his work pressures etc. Do you want to be with someone that you need to constantly support and they forget about everything around them when they have a problem? No ties right now I’d be ending things

Hey OP,

I work for the NHS as an employment specialist, providing people with mental health conditions with employment support (this could be finding work, or even staying in a role they’re struggling with) If he’s getting treatment/care under a MH team, it might be worth mentioning to him that there is support available. If not there’s plenty of organisations and charities that offer employment support. In relation to if he’s being treated unfairly at work there’s also ACAS, give them a google. Give him the facts/details/info to help him but set boundaries and make sure you look after yourself too. Hope this helps.

Thanks everyone for your advice. It seems he is a victim of workplace bullying and he is in a better headspace now and behaving and speaking much more rationally. I have explained to him that I find it hard to listen without giving advice , that I will do my best but if he just wants to offload he might be better going elsewhere eg to his parents/friends. I really appreciate you all taking the time to comment