I feel trapped

[OnlyNoo]

I feel like I could write an essay on this so forgive me if I bang on…
I just don’t know how to end my relationship. Been together 8 years, 4YO DS. We have a mortgage together and I’ve been a SAHM since having DS. I want to break up with DP but I’m so so scared of what will happen after… I’m completely okay with the idea of being on my own, I’m just worried about DS massively. Ive tried to stay and I’ve tried to feel differently all for my DS and other people but I’ve really reached the point of no return and I need to put my own happiness first now. I just don’t know what steps I need to take or how to go about anything. I know I need a job, I’m worried about what I’ll do as DS only goes to nursery 2.5 days. Ive no idea what will happen with living arrangements and how I’ll afford a house etc on my own. I don’t even know where to begin on looking into things and I know I need to grow up, but I just block it out as it’s the easy option. Im 30 in 2 months and he’s planning to propose… what the fuck do I even do!?

Does he know how you feel?

What’s gone wrong exactly?

Yes and no… the last time I really laid it out was July last year. I told him exactly how I was feeling as a sort of last ditch attempt at maybe resolving things. I told him then that I wasn’t willing to spend my 30s unhappy and potentially reach an age where I look back with regrets. We tried to make a go of it for a few weeks but things went quickly backwards again. I’m very good at just getting on with things and being ‘normal’ so I’m a bit worried it may all be a bit shocking to him but what else am I supposed to do? Update him weekly? I know I need to speak to him I just want to have a bit more of a clear head on options first as I’ve no idea how it all may go. For me now, even if thing’s completely changed from him, I’m past it now

Urgh, a lot. Admittedly I think having my DS has turned me into a complete different person. We get along really really well but I feel I resent him, for things that are his fault and for things I equally have myself to blame for. I think the whole SAHM life maybe ruined things, I don’t want to regret it as I’ve watched my son grow everyday but i do. He earns, I do everything else. I don’t feel loved or appreciated. I come second to his friends and drinking 99% of the time and i feel like his house maid that he wants to have sex with whenever he feels like it! Im now in a place where everything he does irritates the shit out of me. I don’t know if I sound like a heartless cow tbh but im so done

If I were you, I would lay everything out on the table. You will not be marrying him and you are taking steps to end the relationship and sell the home. You need to get a job, sharpish.

Job wise I’m on that today… I’m putting off speaking to him tbh, not sure why? Maybe because then it’s all real and life gets hectic. One of my worries is the house, our mortgage is half the price of renting and I just don’t know how I’d afford it

First things first you need a job. Have a look how much mortgage you’d need if you’re going to buy him out. Will he be having your son 50/50? That will help with childcare, but will impact any maintenance. If you can’t afford to buy him out then I guess you need to sell and rent. Go on the calculator ‘entitled to’ and put in some dummy figures. It will give you an idea of what Universal credit you’d get which will include help with rent and childcare. If you’re not earning enough to rent a property (think it’s 30 x monthly rent) then you’d need a guarantor.

You really need to speak to him if he’s planning to propose. He might be spending money making plans and it’s not fair to him to let him continue in this mindset if you know about the proposal. Good luck, it will all work out

I have nothing to buy him out with, and i don’t think the mortgage would be transferable to me alone as the likely hood is I’ll not earn enough for them to do so. He would be able to take it on alone, but I know he’s got nothing to buy me out with unless it came from the equity? This is what I mean, I have no idea what the options really are with it all. Renting would be double my mortgage so again, not sure how I make that work. This is why I’ve stayed as long as I have, it’s easier. I don’t think there would be any issues with him paying toward DS but I don’t think 50/50 could work with his job, though he probably would prefer that.

I do need to speak to him yes, every day the guilt of it all is getting worse. I think deep down though he also knows we don’t work anymore. He just think proposing and booking holidays will make everything better 🙃

Just gently OP, I'd suggest that if you find yourself alone you may discover that an awful lot of what is making you miserable isn't down to your DP or your relationship, but the drudgery and sacrifice of being a parent. The loss of dreams, of limitless potential to change our lives, the relentless struggle to balance resources, food, clothing, heating, housing - it can all be crushing, for the best of us.

What's worse is you have a DP who is committed to you, but not challenging you. You don't need to do anything for this secure stable but unsatisfying future to come straight at you.
Perhaps you feel like a rabbit in the headlights? Perhaps you feel you've lost the independent person you were? But it may not be all his fault?

I'd really suggest that you open up about all of this with your partner and tell him you can't commit to the life you have, because you are unhappy and unfulfilled. You can at the very least put things on hold, especially if there is any danger that you might sabotage things.

Then maybe get some counselling to consider what it is that's missing in your life and how and where to find what you need? It may be that couples counselling would help too?

I say this only because someone once said - you only get one shot with the father or mother of your children. You can discover exactly the same issues in a new relationship because you were half the problem.
It seems that your DP is unaware of quite how seriously you need things to change. His drinking and prioritising his social life reflect that he isn't happy either.

I totally get what you mean,with the whole SAHM thing, resentment etc. Spoke with my H last year about it,decided we'll be together for the kids for now as we get on really well actually. However very recently he's stopped wearing his wedding ring and has changed and now I'm absolutely heartbroken. Not that I feel I made a mistake saying how I feel just the feeling that....it's really coming to an end really quickly...also I have no idea what I'll do next. We have 2 young children. Sorry,this post was no help from me,just wanted to say I know how you feel

Really appreciate your words… few things to think about maybe… you are totally right in what you say about having kids and the sacrifice. I feel I’ve totally grieved this relationship being over already and fully accept it… I feel as though I made many many sacrifices for my DS and as much as I’ve loved it, I did lose myself in motherhood. But I discovered this maybe 2 years ago now? And since then, have pretty much found myself again and i’m a totally different person now. I feel like before, I was conforming to what society says you should and I wanted to get married and get that bigger house and have more kids… and now I feel totally different. It’s like I almost got what I thought I wanted, and actually, it’s not brought me the happiness I was lead to believe it would. Right now, I don’t care about money, I don’t care about what house I live in, I don’t even think I want any more children. All I want is actual happiness and I genuinely think I can find that on my own. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’ll regret things but I’ve mulled this over long enough. DP is of the mindset of earning as much as possible and moving to that house with the spare rooms and a play room and a laundry room etc… having more and more kids… he might enjoy that but I think it’s just a life of chasing happiness. I hope that makes sense or helps show where I’m at?

It’s always nice to know you’re not alone. Thank you. I do feel that there’s probably so many people out there staying put for the children. I feel like it is right for my son if I stay with DP as like you, we get on, we don’t argue, if there’s an issue we will just say it, discuss and move on. It’s more financial stability for DS too I guess… my fear is, as much as I’m okay now, what will I be like in say another 5 years if I stay? I feel I’ll be a showdown of myself that’s no fun to be around and that’s not good for my DS either. I feel there’s an overwhelming pressure to be with your child’s father and do all the things ‘you’re meant to’ and it’s just not what I want anymore. I’m sorry you’re feeling heartbroken right now… if it helps, that was me a long while ago… I’m totally okay with the fact now of me without him. I hope that doesn’t change when the ball starts rolling but I do think I’ll be just fine. Need to sort out some work and consider housing options and it’s scary, but I know once I figure it out, I’ll be happier. I hope you will be too

Shadow* not showdown 😂

Could you get support from your parents. Move in with them until you get on your feet. It's all very scary but you will manage. Sounds like your dp is not a proper dp and never will as he is just prepared to drift for a comfortable life. What work did you do originally? Are you trained in an area that would help you get work?

They don’t live close unfortunately, I moved to where he’s from so surrounded by his friends and family only. Work wise, I was a dental nurse. I haven’t ruled it out but with not practising for over 4 years it would be costly to get back in to and the money is poor. Hours may be hard too to fit around a child… this is where I’m struggling, DS goes to nursery 2.5 days. They are at full capacity now so I couldn’t send him 5 days. In September he will be in reception though so things should be easier then. I really don’t mind what I do for work tbh, I’d love to re study or maybe do an adult apprenticeship but again financially I can’t see that working, though I did register to a few place yesterday.

Does anyone know what the options would be surrounding the mortgage? As in, how does re mortgaging work? Wondering if that would be an option so one can buy out the other maybe?

Can I call citizens advice about any of this? I feel like there should be a helpline or advice line… I need someone to get it clear in my head what I can do before I turn our lives upside down, I have to consider DS first.

I would say Citizens Advice would be very helpful. Gather all the information you can. Mind yourself.