Am I with the right person?

[Mum23dd]

I have been with my husband 10 years. We have been married 3 months and have 3 dd. He is 5 years older then me. I was 22 when I met him and it all moved very fast I was living with him within the month. For the first five years I idolised him, would do anything for him. Laughed at his jokes etc etc he also has a ds who is 11 whom I love very much. For the duration of our time together whenever we have a discussion it always turns nasty and negative no violence just nasty words from him I try and change my approach to the situation but he calls me every name under the sun. We both understand that he could possibly have adhd and we are going down that route. But to be honest I am fed up! I work 37 hours a week have 3 young children numerous animals including dogs, cats,horses to name a few. A big house to keep clean to a high standard as my husband has ocd. He works for himself a full day will be 8am-1pm he earns 5 times the amount I do. He bought the house 3 months before we got together. I feel trapped and if I was to break things off i would have no where to go with my children. I have debts which I manage ok and my credit is bad. He moans that I pay and take my children to dancing and swimming as they love it and we live very close to the sea so swimming is a necessity it doesnt affect him in the slightest except if hes home he may have to watch our 18m dd maybe once a month for 1 hour. Our finances are completely separate. And I actually pay more towards the house hold then he does. I thought this day may come where I give up or feel like I'm giving up on him and I don't know what to do. My dd being the main priority. He is a brilliant dad and they love him dearly but his treatment towards me has slowly whittled any compassion or longing to be with him away. When there is a chance for him to go away with his friends for a few days I jump at the chance for him to go. I tell he should definitely go I try and make it as easy as possible for him. But he never does and I begrudge him for it as I love the days he's not here. He expects the house to be immaculate all the time. I'm not close to my family but his family are amazing they all know what he is like to a certain degree and just laugh it off. When I confront him about it he doesn't see or want to change or work on us he's happy for it to carry on as normal and it's all me and I'm the crazy one. He said why did I marry him then and I ask myself that every day. Help/advice Please?!?!

He’s a financially, verbally and emotionally abusive man. He berates the mother of his children and his expectations are based on his needs. Yours don’t feature. You’re a hole and have supplied him with children.

He will I expect, shit blue lights when he has a chat with a lawyer, and finds out the reality of his legal position. You are in a much better position than you think.

Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? And for this to be the blueprint for your own daughters’ relationships? You get one life.

Hi! I’m not sure the purpose of my comment as I don’t really have any wisdom to impart on you… just a hand hold I guess, I’m in a similar situation of feeling very much trapped and I just don’t know what to do anymore. My situation differs from yours but ultimately we both feel there’s no way out. If you happen upon the miracle answer, let me know 🙃 my overwhelming feeling currently is, so I want to spend another 8 years doing this and still feel this way/have regrets? No. Do I deserve to be happier… yes. Is it about time I put me first instead of pleasing everyone else? Yes…. The question is how. I hope you find a solution OP x

Why is there no way out?

OP, you’re married. This is the marital home. You’re entitled to a share of it and any other asset, and the share starts at 50/50. You’ve also quite possibly held your own career back to be the support of everything whilst he earns more and yet you don’t see it. So the 50/50 moves your way to reflect this. Then add in pensions, savings, house equity, it all goes in the pot.

Theb there’s child maintenance dealt with separately. He will have to pay for his daughters and ensure they’re appropriately housed, probably in the marital home if that’s what is best for them.

He can jog on and get himself a nice pad somewhere, and pay a cleaner and you can get on with your life without this miserable twat pulling you down.

@Mum23dd I’m so sorry, your husband sounds like an absolute arsehole. Can you imagine what you would think if your friend told you this about their husband?

Bottom line is he’s not even a good dad. A man who treats their child’s mother like crap (like yours does) cannot be a good father - no exceptions. LTB for the sake of your kids who will start to notice and end up believing that is what they deserve from a relationship too. Wishing you happiness xx

Why do you pay more than him?

You need to set the amount you are willing to contribute and re asses what’s necessary and what is luxury - the animals and horse for example - If you leave you’ll be unable to take them with you unless you stay in the property.

Talk to a solicitor. 3 months marriage may mean some of the above doesnt hold. I left a decades long marriage with next to nothing. Im much older than you and my financials keep me awake at night. Id still rather be single and struggling than married and miserable.

It’s the length of the relationship overall and the fact they have children which will be taken into account as well as the marital status.

You know, there are LOADS of threads like this. And when you look, it’s very very rare that anyone regrets doing it. The regrets are for the people who wavered and wasted time and didn’t do it sooner.

Jeezo, if thats the right person, how fucking bad would the wrong one have to be?

He's not a 'brilliant dad' op - he abusers his children's mother.

Plus, they'll grow up seeing that shit, thinking it is normal because their mum just stays and takes it. So they'll end up in abusive relationships themselves.

Get away from him, for your kids sake if not your own.

No.

He's abusive and you deserve much much more.

You are in a horribly abusive relationship, and you know you need to get out. You are not trapped and you have the resources to get you and your kids out of this toxic environment. See a solicitor and get going.

Thanks everyone for the messages. Its nice to have an outsider point of view. Dont get me wrong their have been great times and funny times but as hes gotten older hes definetly gotten worse or ive had my rose tainted glasses taken off. His moods are so up and down. I'm going to have a look at the other posts sometimes its good to have a vent. The thing that worries me the most is my children thinking this is normal if they do ever hear it and the fact that I am so numb to it all all the name calling it doesn't bother me which I know it should but it doesn't.

How is he a good dad if he only has your youngest 1 hour a month?!! You work longer hours so why on earth do you let him put it on you to keep the house clean at all, let alone to his standards?
Sounds like he can afford a cleaner if he wants a spotless house while being too lazy to do it himself.
BTW, you don't have debt on your own as he's responsible for half the debt and you own half of joint savings (which will probably outweigh your debt).
See a solicitor, you'll be better off after leaving him - might even be able to go part time. Plus, he will have to look after his DC more than 1 hour per month if you live apart.

@Mum23dd i would say why did you marry him but honestly it’s the most sensible thing you’ve done. Go and see a solicitor, get as much information about his finances as you can. Don’t give him the opportunity to move money before you petition for divorce. There is no way to fix this so you need to come out of this with the best result for your children. Start keeping notes on your phone of rows, examples of his behaviour towards you etc. You can’t let your children grow up in this damaging environment.