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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how am going to manage this

21 replies

spoiltbratalert · 16/01/2023 17:01

before I begin I know i'm being a spoilt brat but I need to be told how to act like a grown up. I am a terrible sulker and really struggle to be pleasant when some has upset me.
I have a very old friend who we me and husband have often gone on holiday with . She has a partner who has been around for about 5 years.
As time has gone on I feel he has got evermore controlling of her. They now live together in her house. over the past 2 years he has really made it clear I am not to call at the house. I am never allowed in there.
She will
only phone if she's in the car so hands free when he is not there.
So we have very nice trip planned due to go in a couple of weeks.
I have arranged absolutely everything I have asked to meet up with them several times to check out stuff but they are always busy or crashing and burning ( their phrase!)
I can't go into too much detail but in the past year they have been on two other trips arranged by me plus a huge family event that his entire family were invited to plus various other things
So yes I have got the message that i am not really one of their favourite people but I will find it almost impossible to be pleasant
it is not possible to change it so i have to go.
Any advice on how I can get over my surliness? Any book you could recommend?
This is the last time I arrange anything with them by the way.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 16/01/2023 17:03

Sounds like you need to let the friendship slide.

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/01/2023 17:17

Why are you still persisting in going on holiday with somebody who dislikes you, has made this clear, and who seems entirely ungrateful for the effort you do make in arranging it all? You might not be able to cancel the currently booked holiday at short notice, but that at doesn't mean you have to go whilst feeling resentful and surly over it. Tell them there’s been a family issue and you now have to care for your mum / niece / whatever, and stay at home.

If you want to remain friends with your friend, you can continue that without involving her partner and your husband in it all and taking holidays together; even if, if he’s controlling of her, that friendship has to be on the phone - or even just telling her that you love her and will be there for her when she needs you, but that you know her partner doesn’t like you and you aren’t going to spend time with somebody who feels that way towards you.

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 16/01/2023 17:26

I would send a very short email/message - "here's your tickets and the hotel details, hopefully bump into you there at some point".

Then make your own plans and your own itinerary with your DH.

Original poster
spoiltbratalert · 16/01/2023 17:27

yes in the future i will but but this holiday has cost £££ and more than that so much effort.
this friend has really been more like a sister to me i've known her since we were children so it's all of the disappointment with that.
maybe i'll just put headphones on and do my own thing.
Thankyou for taking the time to reply

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 16/01/2023 17:27

I hope it’s not too awful. I’d stay in touch with your friend, let her know she can call anytime, and hopefully she knows she’s got someone to call if she decides to leave him. I hate how some people just drop their friends in relationships

Original poster
spoiltbratalert · 16/01/2023 17:28

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 16/01/2023 17:26

I would send a very short email/message - "here's your tickets and the hotel details, hopefully bump into you there at some point".

Then make your own plans and your own itinerary with your DH.

yes maybe i could do that . In fact that might be the answer i could even alter my itinerary a bit .Thankyou

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 16/01/2023 17:44

Have they paid their share yet?

Original poster
spoiltbratalert · 16/01/2023 17:48

yes they have paid in full.
it's no longer refundable due to go in 2 weeks time.
It was booked a year ago when things seemed different.

OP posts:
mrsbitaly · 16/01/2023 17:53

Are they definitely going?

Emmamoo89 · 16/01/2023 17:57

Zanatdy · 16/01/2023 17:27

I hope it’s not too awful. I’d stay in touch with your friend, let her know she can call anytime, and hopefully she knows she’s got someone to call if she decides to leave him. I hate how some people just drop their friends in relationships

This.

Original poster
spoiltbratalert · 16/01/2023 17:58

well if they weren't that would be a result!!
no he is really thick skinned and i think he really is enjoying the whole thing as i think
his ultimate aim is to get rid of us.
Think i'll leave a letter with someone in case I topple of the deck of the boat!!

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 16/01/2023 17:59

If they've paid, then do as @SomethingLessIdentifiable says, just give them tickets etc and say (but not mean!) "Hopefully bump into each other!"

Diffuserqueen · 16/01/2023 18:07

Hmmm, so you’re not allowed at the house and blame him but you seem to be prolific in socialising together? Whuch makes it confusing.

Original poster
spoiltbratalert · 16/01/2023 18:12

no i haven't seen them
since September they live very near by i pass the house everyday on my way to work.
I kept asking to meet to finalise stuff but they were too busy so it's all been done via text
It has taken me a while to let it sink in TBH
this trip ( flights ) were booked a year ago and are not changeable

OP posts:
Rockingcloggs · 16/01/2023 19:41

I think you do what a PP has said above and email them their documents and then do as you want while you're away but I also think you need to let her know that your door is always open to her should things with her DH (dick head?) go even more tits up. A man doesn't tell his partner to stop seeing friends/can't come here without being a total wanker.

Bertha21 · 16/01/2023 19:48

I think maybe the best option could be to be honest. But I can see that is difficult. As she probably isn’t able to see you alone. I would do what others suggest about emailing the tickets. But maybe drop in if you fancy a girls only catch up at any time let me know.

Walkacrossthesand · 16/01/2023 22:12

You mention a boat - is it a cruise? One booking for the 4 of you?
They will automatically allocate you a dining table together unless you can up with something imaginative as to why not to! Maybe, if they're known early diners, declare that you want to eat later on this holiday so you've moved your half of the dinner sitting to later - or whatever! If you're booked on the same excursions, see if you can get your 2 transferred FOC. Don't ask them, of course - present it as a fait accompli. Say you wanted to discuss it with them but they were never free in the run-up 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
spoiltbratalert · 16/01/2023 22:12

maybe be i'll just be super nice and make him look like the horror story he is ??
thanks fir all the wise words much appreciated xx

OP posts:
Dery · 16/01/2023 22:47

As gets said on MN: drop the rope. Send a brief message with the documents as suggested above, separately let your friend know that your door is always open, then crack on with making the best of the trip in company with people who treat you well.

Rockingcloggs · 17/01/2023 06:16

Walkacrossthesand · 16/01/2023 22:12

You mention a boat - is it a cruise? One booking for the 4 of you?
They will automatically allocate you a dining table together unless you can up with something imaginative as to why not to! Maybe, if they're known early diners, declare that you want to eat later on this holiday so you've moved your half of the dinner sitting to later - or whatever! If you're booked on the same excursions, see if you can get your 2 transferred FOC. Don't ask them, of course - present it as a fait accompli. Say you wanted to discuss it with them but they were never free in the run-up 🤷‍♀️

A lot of cruise lines are now doing Freedom dining instead of traditional first & second sittings so hopefully it's it's that and then they can bugger off when they want!

pictoosh · 17/01/2023 06:30

spoiltbratalert · 16/01/2023 22:12

maybe be i'll just be super nice and make him look like the horror story he is ??
thanks fir all the wise words much appreciated xx

This. Give him enough rope and he'll hang himself. Be super nice and let his issues stand out as his problem alone. As long as your behaviour is unquestionably pleasant, he can't accuse you of or find fault with anything. Let him be the dick he is while you all watch him operate.

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