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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner broke up with me after a year via text and I'm heartbroken.

31 replies

crushedgal19 · 16/01/2023 16:39

I have been going out with a man for the last year who I have known practically my whole life. I have two children, and so does he. For the last year we have had the most perfect and amazing relationship and fantastic family unit. We lost a baby in November which was difficult for us both, but he has been an amazing support throughout everything. Last week we were talking about starting to try again for a baby in the next few months and moving in together permanently. Last week we had our first argument, and he's broken everything off and asked me not to contact him. We've had words before like every normal couple and have never held any grudges. I really don't know what to do or where all of this has come from. I miss him and his kids, and my kids miss him a lot. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
SomethingLessIdentifiable · 16/01/2023 16:49

Have a good cry and a wallow for a day... Then clear your house of his stuff, mute him on social media so you're not tempted to keep tabs on him, delete his number so you're not tempted to call or text him, and keep yourself busy busy busy.

You've been happy before you got with him, you'll be happy again, it might not feel like it at the moment, but you will.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 16/01/2023 16:54

If he's broken things off - after all that you've shared - then he's not on the same page as you, OP and it sounds as if he was waiting for - and got - and excuse to call it a day.

For whatever the real reason was, it's not going to be communicated to you so the best thing to do is completely cut him off now and be (eventually) relieved that you didn't have a baby together or tied up your lives. You and your children will move on and you'll be ok again. You were ok before, you will be again.

Sorry, I know it hurts.

Sugerfree · 16/01/2023 16:56

Via text? That's a shi**y way to end a relationship. Cowardly in fact and it makes you feel somewhat worthless. I know, it happened to me many years ago.

Try and take to a new hobby or interest that absorbs you . Remember, you will get over it. There's nothing more that I can offer I'm so very sorry... Be strong!

nc1013 · 16/01/2023 16:56

What was the argument about? Was there any violence etc?

MrsR87 · 16/01/2023 16:58

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 16/01/2023 16:49

Have a good cry and a wallow for a day... Then clear your house of his stuff, mute him on social media so you're not tempted to keep tabs on him, delete his number so you're not tempted to call or text him, and keep yourself busy busy busy.

You've been happy before you got with him, you'll be happy again, it might not feel like it at the moment, but you will.

Agree with this. If he can do this after the heartache you’ve faced together then he really is not worth your tears!

Zanatdy · 16/01/2023 17:34

That’s out of order over text when you’ve been through a lot together and your families have began to be intertwined. I’d give him some space, but prepare yourself it might be over for good. Breakdown of relationships are always hard, but you will get over it. If he’s not on the same page it’s better now than if you were pregnant or had a child together. If he’s not even prepared to talk about it that doesn’t bode well.

Diffuserqueen · 16/01/2023 17:39

That’s very cowardly of him. I do wonder if it moved a little fast. A year is still quite a new relationship to be at this stage already, entwining families and looking to conceive again.

i am sorry for your loss and I am sorry he didn’t have the balls to tell you in person. But it’s better to know now than for him to let it drag on longer if he wasn’t on the same page

Original poster
crushedgal19 · 16/01/2023 19:25

Thank you for all your replies. The right was silly and totally unnecessary, and I think a lot of it was really misunderstood. He was supposed to bring down my belongings, and I told him if you do bring them down then this is 100% over. He said sorry it is over and I don’t want to be with you. However, he never arrived with my belongings and is still watching all my social media stories?

OP posts:
Purplepeople12 · 17/01/2023 08:15

I'm so sorry, op that is a cowardly and cold way to end a relationship, and the heartache you've been through together makes it even more so.

My advice......remove him from your social media, stop giving him an insight into your life, he has said it's over, so he doesn't deserve to see what you're posting. You're still connected that way which isn't what either of you need. As hard as it is you need a clean break to start to heal. I'd do as others have said, block him, remove his number, remove him from sm.

It doesn't feel like it now, but you'll get over this, I'm so sorry

supercali77 · 17/01/2023 08:31

Remove him from your social media, he's behaved appalingly ending things over text after all you've been through recently, keeping him on there allows him access to you from the sidelines, and it keeps you wondering about him. End the guesswork/head games and remove. He hasn't brought your stuff round, is it essential? Can you afford to just not get it back? If so, block his number. He'd agreed to drop it and then didn't, he shouldnt now get the right to get in touch when he feels ready to possibly interact with you, and basically mess up your head with contact.

I know it feels like you need answers but the measure of the man from his behaviour here is that answers probably won't be useful/true. He's not who you thought he was. That should be enough for you, personally, to end things with him.

LittleLillie · 17/01/2023 08:48

Don’t get into these games with him. Remove him from social media.

Ask for your belongings. He thinks he can end it by text, tell you it’s over and he doesn’t want to be with you but then leave you hanging and not bring your stuff? It’s game playing. Take back control and watch him panic.

Wibbly1008 · 17/01/2023 08:53

This exact thing happened to me. He left on a Sunday and didn’t come back - no text or call for a week - I had to go to his mothers address to find out he was alive as I feared the worst.
it is cowardice and you don’t want someone like that in your life. Take the week to grieve and get rid of everything in your home that belongs to him. Sack it and out in the shed. He will come back as mine did wanted a second chance after his “affair” fell flat. I never took back and I am so glad. Anyone who can cut you off like this will have you living on a knife edge after every argument, and all couples have those. You are not to blame OP. People who loved once will always love again, you’ll meet an amazing man but it wasn’t this butt head.

Original poster
crushedgal19 · 17/01/2023 10:23

Thank you all for your words of support. I just have this gut feeling it's not really over and things will work out. Maybe I'm convincing myself to feel this way so I can move on in life without moping around. Who knows? Adulting is hard.

OP posts:
Eixample · 17/01/2023 10:27

Sometimes people break up with others via text because they have an immediate opportunity to sleep with someone else that they want to take without it being cheating. Obviously they are still arseholes though.

supercali77 · 17/01/2023 10:27

It might not be over in the sense that he's pulled this stunt which may or may not be final as he sees it, but pulling a stunt like this ought to be a massive dealbreaker for you surely? You had 1 argument, and this happened. Imagine when life actually gets tough, illness, house moves, bills.

purpledalmation · 17/01/2023 10:33

I don't understand why you broke up? He wanted to bring your belongings where? What belongings? Why did you say it's 100% over because if 'belongings'. Confused.

LittleLillie · 17/01/2023 10:57

Why would you NOT want it to be over? He has treated you appallingly.

You will walk on eggshells because every time you have an argument he will walk out on you and your children

End it for good, do not put yourself or your kids through this.

Binfluencer · 17/01/2023 11:00

But even if it's not over, why would you want to be with someone so cruel? He's hurt your children, he must be eliminated from your life immediately

Original poster
crushedgal19 · 17/01/2023 11:39

We just broke up over an argument.

He was supposed to return my belongings to my property. If they were silly belongings I wouldn't have asked. Mostly hairdressing equipment from my shop, garden furniture, and things belonging to the kids. He said he would be there at a certain time and then never came.

I said if you show up here with my things then I will be completely finished as I'm not a teenager asking for her DVDs back. He said he was sure and he'd be there. However him not showing up gave me false hope?

I do want him back, but in the event of this happening he will need to know that this cannot happen again.

OP posts:
BunchHarman · 17/01/2023 11:48

Why do you want him back? You’ll be forever insecure. He’s not a decent person, and he doesn’t give a shit. A decent person wouldn’t have dumped via a text. Could he have met someone else?

FloydPepper · 17/01/2023 11:50

i do feel for you as any breakup is tough, but as women are told on here all the time, you’re allowed to break up at any time for any reason. Without knowing what the argument was about and what happened it’s impossible to tell if he’s being a dick, or not.

IncompleteSenten · 17/01/2023 11:51

The argument was about him returning your stuff?

So everything was fine and you said bring me my stuff?

Or was there an argument about something which resulted in you telling him to bring your stuff?

I'm sorry you miscarried.
May I ask if the baby was planned? I'm just wondering if that is really what is going on. He doesn't actually want another child but doesn't want to say so.

Lottapianos · 17/01/2023 11:55

'Why would you NOT want it to be over? He has treated you appallingly.'

This. How could you continue in a relationship with someone who has treated you like this? You would be walking on eggshells for ever more

LittleLillie · 17/01/2023 12:44

Oh ok then, as long as you tell him it can never happen again I’m so sure it will all be ok.

Of course it will happen again! If you can’t see that this is an effort to keep you in line at worst, and at best a man who cannot resolve conflict or communicate like an adult then I don’t know what to tell you.

If you let him back you are just showing him you have no self respect or boundaries and you’re giving him the green light to treat you like shit.

I say this as someone who came out of a very similar relationship last year. A year in is when you start to see the real him, he is literally showing you who he is. Please, please do not let him back. It gets worse not better.

LittleLillie · 17/01/2023 12:46

IncompleteSenten · 17/01/2023 11:51

The argument was about him returning your stuff?

So everything was fine and you said bring me my stuff?

Or was there an argument about something which resulted in you telling him to bring your stuff?

I'm sorry you miscarried.
May I ask if the baby was planned? I'm just wondering if that is really what is going on. He doesn't actually want another child but doesn't want to say so.

No! They had an argument and he text her to say it was over, he didn’t want to be with her anymore and was bringing her stuff back.

She replied saying that if he bought her stuff back it really would be over for them.

He (of course) has not brought her stuff round as planned so she now thinks there’s hope of them getting back together.