DH cousin ex wife

[Lightbulbison]

Last year I posted about my DH seeming reluctant to be seen with me in our local town. I had realised that I could trace this odd behaviour back ten years. I had persuaded him to go into town with me and he had got to a specific point with me then had left suddenly. One of the later posters advised me to go back to that point and look around to see what shops etc were in that area. I never got to the bottom of it, and DH seems a lot happier now going to town with me.

Today, I have had a lightbulb moment. About ten years ago his cousin's wife left his cousin. I didn't know the woman, just knew of her. I didn't really pay any attention to his cousin's marital breakdown at the time but I distinctly remember DH saying how she had 'glammed up' after leaving his cousin. Looking back, I realise I hadn't thought at the time how DH had known she had 'glammed up'.

This woman has been single ever since and has worked in a particular store for years. It was at the point of going into this store that DH had suddenly left me in town on the day I had persuaded him to go shopping with me.

Despite living close to where his cousin lives, DH never really supported his cousin in the way I would have expected when his cousin's marriage broke down. He never went round to visit or took him out for drinks. Only recently has he reconnected with his cousin.

There are other elements (which I have not posted about on here) which all fit in to suggest that DH and this woman might have been having an affair, and might even have been the reason she left his cousin all those years ago. DH had definitely been unfaithful to me, but had blamed it on a visit to an escort. I never bought that story, for various reasons. I also have reason to believe DH's siblings might know the truth. They would protect their brother from the cousin ever finding out. It would be a family disaster, so better to create a story about an escort.

I am in limbo as there's nobody to talk to about this, nor is there anyone I can ask. Whatever he was doing - affair or not - is most definitely over. This is a historic problem that will have to remain in my head forever.

But those posters who suggested an affair might be the reason he did not want to be seen with me - well, I think they were right, and thank them for thinking about my situation, and posting suggestions for me. I think it is true that the most obvious explanation is usually going to be the correct one.

I think if you feel this way about your DH, it doesn’t matter what happened or who with or whether you ever get all the details. You’re wasting your life in a relationship which presumably doesn’t make either of you happy any more, with a man you don’t trust - whether that lack of trust be correct or not.

What keeps you in it? What would you need to feel able to end it?

Op it’s eleven years ago now. With all due respect him being weird one shopping trip and making a comment foesnt amount to an affair. It’s time to let it go now. It really is. 11 years is too long to be obsessed with one action on a shopping trip. Try to move on 💐

It wasn't one action.

It was years' worth of acting peculiarly around a certain part of town, sometimes to the point of abandoning OP mid-shop.

I was reading your thread, sounds like you're right. Are you still with him @Lightbulbison?

OP, it may not be how you want to handle it, but there is only one way to deal with this - that's to ask a sibling, cousin or the cousins ex wife if anything happened.

I would be shocked if the Cousin himself wouldn't say anything and even if none of them did - you'd get a good idea from their reaction.

If you don't do this, you're ultimately never going to come out of this limbo situation so have to either suck it up and move on, or end it. I think the cheating with the escort would have ended it for most people, but having stayed around - you still have the same decision, to either move on, confront it or end it.

It's a horrible situation, but you'll never ever truly be at peace unless you try to work out what happened.

Thanks for the suggestions @Jimboscott0115 but what I mean by I have nobody to ask is that if I asked his siblings they would lie to protect any family secret anyway. If my hunch is correct, there's no way the cousin knows. It would have all blown up if he found out something like that had happened.

No problem, in which case I think you have one option - ask your husband or siblings anyway. I know that's very head-on and you probably won't get the true story but reactions tend to speak louder than words with these things as the vast majority of people are dead giveaways when making up big lies.

Alternatively, you could be super sly if you can pull it off and say something to one of them in conversation like 'obviously, with what happened with xx (cousins ex), things haven't always gone smoothly '... If anything amiss you'll be able to cut through the atmosphere with a knife!

Ultimately, I really would lay out the story as you've told it here to one of them and measure the response. I can't see how else you'll move on one way or the other.

I remember your previous post and this all seems to make sense!

If this is something that happened 11 years ago, why do you think he was still reluctant to go into town last year?

Do you think he was still seeing her then?

Surely if the affair had been over for 10/11 years and he was worried about bumping into her with you and it being awkward, he would still be avoiding being with you on town now? What's changed in the last year?

Here's the thing - it doesn't matter who he screwed or when it happened. You can still walk away if that's what you want.

He can act all baffled that you walked away after an 'indiscretion' 11 years ago, whereas your stance would be " I tried for 11 years to try to fix it but I can't"

Or you can walk away for any reason you like.

Lightbulb, I recall your thread from a few months ago detailing your H’s 10 year avoidance of accompanying you anywhere in your town, while happy to share experiences out of town.

When he finally did accompany you into town, he seemed on edge and then turned back, leaving you standing there. When you asked later if he was ashamed to be seen with you, he became upset, said no, and hugged you. You were so stunned that he was crying that you didn’t press him on the true reason, nor did he come clean.

I’m sorry that he may have actually had an affair with his cousin’s wife, yet lied that his infidelity was with an escort.

Lightbulb, I wouldn’t view this as a ‘historic problem.’ If true, I would feel duped, and that I had been in a false reconciliation based on secrecy and lies. The original infidelity and long-term secrets would have pervasively corroded your marriage, and manifested in H refusing to be seen with you locally for 10 years for fear of running into OW and perhaps her flying monkeys.

Surely this affected your family activities with your child. H’s family’s probable collusion adds another toxic dimension.

Will you keep this ‘in your head’ or will you shine a light and get to the bottom of it?

My last sentence should be: …will you shine a light and get to the bottom of it by confronting your H?

Is there a way you can ask this woman directly? Say that you know and that he told you, see what she says.

Fish for information with her and elsewhere because it's clear that his immediate family will do anything to cover his tracks.

Can’t you say to him that you bumped into her and got on really well with her and thinking of inviting her round for dinner, or that you are thinking of inviting her to lunch, just to see his reaction

You need to find out
as your living in limbo otherwise

I agree that siblings reactions will be telling

or just ask her ?
explain it’s been torturing you for years and you NEED to know

I think during the process you will learn a lot

I’d not ask cousin though as it might hurt him

Absolutely none of your business.

Whoops sorry wrong thread!