Mum is draining me

[ST727]

Hi all

Firstly I feel awful for even posting as my mum is going through a hard time at the moment but I feel like I don’t have anyone to vent to / that no one else would understand.

Growing up my mum has always gone through periods where she felt “down” and this often resulted in mood swings and the rest of the family walking on egg shells. She is pretty negative and complains / obsesses over minor things (that usually don’t concern her). She doesn’t have much confidence and has gained weight and constantly puts herself down which makes me sad. On the flip side she is also very bitchy and constantly puts others down (behind their back) for their appearance.

I find spending time with her very draining as it’s so doom and gloom. She also spends 80% of her day on Facebook (I often see her arguing with strangers on local fb groups over minor things) and I think this only makes her more of a miserable person.

She is getting help via anti depressants and therapy which is great but I don’t know how much this will help in the long run as she doesn’t have much going on in her life and spends most of her day on her phone. She is married to my dad but he also finds her hard work so distances himself.

I moved cities a year ago to live with my partner and feel happier now I don’t have to be around her moods 24/7 but really feel for my siblings and dad who still do. She also makes me feel bad for living an hour away from her as she misses me but I am happy where I am.

Has anyone experienced similar? I’d love to have a fun and close relationship with her but she makes this hard and I don’t think she realises how difficult she can be to be around (if I’ve ever mentioned her negativity in the past she doesn’t want to hear it and throws a strop, usually cries and then I feel bad) so it’s not worth the argument.

I struggle with my own mental health at times and always feel so drained and sad after visiting her that things aren’t different.

I’m sorry you posted this so long ago and got no response. Be assured that you are not alone. Not all mothers are good ones, they are flawed humans just like the rest of us. But in recognising that and putting your own boundaries in place to protect yourself, you are doing the right thing. You are not responsible for her happiness or that of your Dad and siblings. They can and have to deal with it in their own way. I wish you well

You can't let your mum drag you down. She sounds hard work. Don't let her guilt trip you. You are entitled to your own life. She seems very unhappy however only she can help herself unfortunately she doesn't seem to have the self awareness to do so.

Hi OP my MIL is heading down this road, she is getting increasingly embittered and spends all day long doom scrolling the internet and has recently ditched her real life church for a dubious "online church" rather unhelpfully increasing her social isolation.

It's really tricky watching relatives struggling, but myself and my DH know exactly where you are coming from with your concerns. MIL grinds DH down to the point he finds it exhausting to be around her - she can just be so relentlessly negative at times.

Now she is on anti-depressant meds, and her mood has presumably improved, can you persuade your mum to engage with the voluntary sector to widen her social circle a bit? This is what we are trying to do with MIL to cheer her up and get her out of the house.

Ideas we are going to try:

• working in a charity shop?
• get her to join the WI
• get her to join u3a
• join a craft society, knitting, crochet embroidery etc
• college courses, eg painting / ceramics / life drawing
• exercise (known to improve mood)

I am going to slowly introduce some of these ideas to mil over the next few months. Hopefully she will adopt a few and it will help stop her driving us both demented

Hope that helps. Xx

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship with your mother and have been for a long time.

You are not responsible for your mothers happiness.

She is controlling and manipulative and extremely selfish.

You cannot fix her nor change her.

Your father is an adult and responsible for himself.

Well done for moving away.

This was absolutely the right thing to do.

Now you need to find yourself a good therapist to unpick the damage done to you.

Your low mood is probably linked to your childhood, as is the anxiety that she gives you when she deliberately guilts you.

You desperately need to pull away and save yourself.

She won't change and she will destroy your chance of happiness by dragging you down.

Step away.
Save yourself.
Get therapy asap.