Can counselling help with disrespect?

[foxp3]

I’m having a tough time with DH and the natural last ditch attempt at turning things around (because I cannot keep going if nothing changes) seems to be to try couples counselling. I have some reservations about it so wanted to ask your opinion on whether it might be worth it or if it’ll make things worse. My main moral support is my mum who I talk to every day and she’s strongly encouraging me to go for it. Money is however tight and waiting lists are long so I’d like to be sure before going down that route.

Simply put my DH has no regard for my preferences or boundaries. It seems like if I express any negative feeling he sees it as a challenge to make me change my mind. I’ve never met anyone else who does this and it’s honestly (at best) infuriating and sometimes has been a massive breach of trust and consent. I have called him out on it before. It makes no difference.

Since our oldest was born 3 years ago I have crept back into myself and now do absolutely nothing for myself apart from eat, sleep and shower. I rely on DH to watch at least one child from time to time when I do housework that can’t wait till the next nursery day (eg a shower at the weekend). It’s like leaving them with a babysitter though - I have to make sure they’re changed and fed and have something to do because he will not take any kind of initiative. He prefers it if I take the other child with me to do whatever it is I’m doing though.

It’s happened over time and while I’m not afraid to address the issues I just don’t know where to start. It’s been a slippery slope into a ridiculous balance of responsibilities at home that I never agreed to. We don’t really argue, but it really is so often a case of DH saying ‘I didn’t know you wanted me to do that’ or ‘that didn’t happen, give me examples of when you say that happened’ and I’m certain he’ll do the same in therapy.

Children aside I would absolutely leave, I’m so tired of it and his (apparent) innocence. However, it doesn’t feel feasible to single parent them when they really CANNOT be left alone whatsoever. I’m not prepared to drop him in the deep end with them and just leave the house for a few hours as I honestly think the children will be the ones who lose out. He has zero patience with them.

He’s agreed to couples counselling (although doesn’t see it’s need) for whatever that’s worth. I’m just slightly sceptical that it might not be the answer for EVERY couple…

I don't have anyone to ask about this in real life. Any advice is very welcome. Thank you.

He sounds like a waste of space! I can't imagine that couples counselling will help but I am not an expert!

Basically, you can't change the way these men think. It's not that he doesn't know how you feel, it's that he doesn't want to listen. Don't make the mistake of thinking that he will understand if you explain it differently/the counsellor explains it... he will continue to ignore what he doesn't want to hear.

Look up Torna Pitman, Talking Wise, who has an online program for working out if your have/ how to have equal communication- you need to have the right kind of communication to have any kind of equality in your relationship. She's the only person I've found who talks about this kind of thing. If he is disputing you constantly it sounds abusive - adversarial, and disregarding your boundaries are hallmarks of a controlling partner. Look up Lundy Bancroft's book, free PDF, Why Does He Do That? The advice is to never go to counselling with an abusive person.

It is also because of the children that you should be leaving such an abusive relationship. Would suggest you seek legal advice asap as knowledge here is also power.

Would not bother with couples counselling in this instance. He will use those sessions to further bash you with and or manipulate the counsellor into taking his side.

DO NOT GO TO COUPLES COUNSELLING WITH THIS MAN

It’s happened over time and while I’m not afraid to address the issues I just don’t know where to start. It’s been a slippery slope into a ridiculous balance of responsibilities at home that I never agreed to. We don’t really argue, but it really is so often a case of DH saying ‘I didn’t know you wanted me to do that’ or ‘that didn’t happen, give me examples of when you say that happened’ and I’m certain he’ll do the same in therapy.

Good instincts OP. He will definitely do the same in therapy.
Professionals recommend that couples do NOT enter therapy when one of the pair is abusive. What happens is that the abusive party will manipulate the situation to their own ends, weaponise any vulnerability they sniff out on the sessions, & - if the therapist is not experienced or wise enough - even manipulate the therapist.

Simply put my DH has no regard for my preferences or boundaries. It seems like if I express any negative feeling he sees it as a challenge to make me change my mind. I’ve never met anyone else who does this and it’s honestly (at best) infuriating and sometimes has been a massive breach of trust and consent. I have called him out on it before. It makes no difference.

And it would make no difference having a third party calling him out either.
The best you would get would be lip service in the session itself (manipulating the therapist) then twisting facts when you return home, to ensure that you are wrongfooted & undermined & probably gaslit.

You already know he is abusive. He breaches your trust & consent, he neglects his children, which bring us to THIS - Children aside I would absolutely leave -
Your children are WHY you should leave.
You should leave for your own happiness too, but your DC don't need to have an abusive relationship modelled to them, & they will be better off under your sole roof, where you will provide a nurturing environment, without being worn down by the constant & deliberate erosion of your boundaries.
You will all be so much happier without this man in your lives.
If he wants to step up to co-parenting, he can do it from his own base.

Don't signal any of this to him. Quietly gather all the information you need (finances, assets, pensions etc) & make an appointment with a good divorce lawyer who will work to protect your interests as you dismantle the marriage & get your children out from under this man's daily influence.

Keep plugging away, one slow step at a time.
The sooner you get to a lawyer, the sooner you will start to regain a sense of control & self-determination.

Don't waste your money on counselling. Spend it on a shit hot lawyer when you divorce him.

It can help, but if he isn’t interested in seeing you as a partner or human being with your own needs, I don’t know what benefit there could be.

it sounds like he ‘prefers’ you to make his life much easier and he doesn’t really care what that means for you

he doesn’t really care to hear your feelings or opinions

and he doesn’t really care to be a parent.

im not sure what way back you have from that. I think it’s more beneficial when you don’t understand each others perspectives but have your love and respect for each other at the heart of things. Or at least you’re both willing to make changes. It’s hard to know for certain from one MN thread, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the position you’re in with him.

This doesn't sound like disrespect. It sounds like he just doesn't give a shit about you, your needs, your family life. I don't think therapy can fix that. Therapy is largely about uncovering the thoughts and behaviours you almost didn't realise you had/do and figuring out why you do them and making changes as needed. I'm sure he knows he's being a shit and I don't think a therapist is going to change that.

I think that money would be better spent preparing for the next steps you're going to take to improve your life. If anything, what about therapy for you individually? Even just a few sessions might help you have some clarity for what you want the future to be like and how you're going to get there.

I’m having the exact same issue with my DH . When I tell him that I’m not happy about something and how it affects me he says he won’t do it again, but just goes and does it over and over ! Which impacts on us as a family , either because of the stress it causes and sometimes the financial impact !
Ive told him I find it disrespectful and hurtful but he just keeps doing it !
I don’t know what to do at this point .

Just get out. See a lawyer first of course. Don’t waste money on counselling, spend it on seeing a matrimonial solicitor! Then once you’re clear where you stand legally just get out. Life after that will sort itself out.

No one can therapise a cunt into not being a cunt.

He has zero empathy and infact, worse, enjoys trampling your boundaries. He's not a nice person. He's not even a remotely decent one.

The bare minimum a partner should be is a nice human being. Otherwise why waste your life with them?

Do your kids a favour and show them people should get as far away from bullies as possible. Not waste their lives trying to understand them and why they do such evil things. They do them because they are evil people. You might not want to believe that but its true.

Just get yourself out of there.