Married to a Narc

maneredilwitit · 2023-01-16T05:43:56+00:00

Hello, my wife is a narcissist. I only recently diagnosed it. I now see that I have been wasting my time trying to get her to change her ways. My best and only option is to leave. I haven't said anything yet. Problem is the kids won't leave her, I sounded them out hypothetically. I would need to fight for custody against their will. Should I keep quiet and log all her bad behaviours? Do you think that would help? Its all quite clever manipulative stuff. It had me fooled for years and the kids all believe that mummy is a victim of everyone else in the world bullying her including them!

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 16/01/2023 07:57

How old are your kids @maneredilwitit ?

Original poster

maneredilwitit · 16/01/2023 12:46

7 and 10

OP posts:

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 16/01/2023 13:43

What happened for the penny to drop?

In the meantime please don't have any more discussions with your little ones. They shouldn't be having those kind of conversations, hypothetical or otherwise.

It won't hurt to log the behaviour so that you have a clear basis for a discussion with your DW if you haven't approached her yet.

I'm assuming you would be entitled to 50% access so that won't be a problem.

eastbynortheast · 16/01/2023 13:46

She thinks that her DC bully her?! Or have I read that wrong?

Mari9999 · 16/01/2023 14:50

If you want a divorce, you can get one easily enough. In many places, no fault divorces have become the standard. A court will have no interest in your diagnosis of your wife or of any journaling of her actions that you may have compiled.

You should with little difficulty be able to get 50/50 custody of your children.

There should be very little standing in they way of your ending this marriage. What you should not be doing is involving your children in any discussion related to your divorce be it hypothetical or real. You are an adult and a divorce is easily available to you, and it will not require any input from your children.

If you were to think that your wife's mental condition should somehow limit her custody or contact with the children, a court would require input from appropriately licensed professionals . Your diagnosis and journal would carry no weight or meaning

Original poster

maneredilwitit · 16/01/2023 16:33

One day she is lovely the next the children are wicked monsters and no one considers her feelings. She was unhappy all day today because the children made a mess 2 days ago. I cleaned it up straight away but not well enough so she had to spend ages cleaning it (also 2 days ago). Yesterday was a good day and everything was but she noticed it was still a bit messy and now no one is allowed to play with toys for 2 weeks. Always eggshells.

OP posts:

MissWings · 16/01/2023 16:35

Divorce. I wouldn’t assume you could ever get full access though.

ItsGettingCold · 16/01/2023 16:41

"I only recently diagnosed it".
Have you both been to therapy and a therapist diagnosed her?
Or just you?

Bowbellsx · 16/01/2023 16:44

That’s sad kids make messes it’s what they do don’t live walking on egg shells x

Haffiana · 16/01/2023 22:38

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TreadLightly3 · 17/01/2023 00:28

Kindly, @maneredilwitit it may have been a bit of a mistake to ask the kids as if she is punishing them with her moods when they don’t do anything seriously wrong then they’ll hardly have the guts to say they’ll move out with you I’m afraid.

If you live apart and the court grants you shared custody then at least they have a “guilt free” way of spending time with you (ie she can’t say they chose to). It sounds like such a sad situation to be treated like that, I hope that they have the chance to be happy and away from the eggshells when spending time with you.

FWIW I think the posters here jumping on your use of “narcissist” are deliberately missing the point for some reason. To be excessively angry and moody towards children is emotionally abusive behaviour and affects their attachment styles significantly. It may be useful for you to use different language going forward to give people less ammunition to have a go at you. Good luck

RememberNancyDrew · 17/01/2023 00:50

File for divorce and 50-50 split. Don't "fight" over anything. The 50-50 may change to be more in your favor later on. If she has narc traits (can't dx it outright) she will dig in out of spite so don't give her any ammunition.

Go grey rock. No emotion.

Original poster

maneredilwitit · 17/01/2023 02:47

Thanks I'm going to grey rock and keep a diary

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Original poster

maneredilwitit · 17/01/2023 02:49

TreadLightly3 · 17/01/2023 00:28

Kindly, @maneredilwitit it may have been a bit of a mistake to ask the kids as if she is punishing them with her moods when they don’t do anything seriously wrong then they’ll hardly have the guts to say they’ll move out with you I’m afraid.

If you live apart and the court grants you shared custody then at least they have a “guilt free” way of spending time with you (ie she can’t say they chose to). It sounds like such a sad situation to be treated like that, I hope that they have the chance to be happy and away from the eggshells when spending time with you.

FWIW I think the posters here jumping on your use of “narcissist” are deliberately missing the point for some reason. To be excessively angry and moody towards children is emotionally abusive behaviour and affects their attachment styles significantly. It may be useful for you to use different language going forward to give people less ammunition to have a go at you. Good luck

Thanks for this - its good advice

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StarInTheHeavens · 17/01/2023 03:21

I don't understand why you feel you need to document anything behaviour wise? It won't help you in divorce. It's unnecessary. If you've made the decision that this relationship isn't working for you then just start the ball rolling to leave.

StarInTheHeavens · 17/01/2023 03:23

And leave the kids out of it. Involving them in any way is toxic and damaging.

Babooshka1990 · 17/01/2023 03:29

Everyone’s a ‘narcissist’ now aren’t they, especially to their resentful partners or ex’s

Original poster

maneredilwitit · 17/01/2023 04:49

Babooshka1990 · 17/01/2023 03:29

Everyone’s a ‘narcissist’ now aren’t they, especially to their resentful partners or ex’s

Well i could describe all the characteristics that match that of a narcissist but whats the point? I don't need validation on that point.
What is toxic and damaging is time spent with an abuser, particularly when 'm not there to protect them.

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chipswitheveryting · 17/01/2023 04:53

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This is a really nasty unhelpful post, not in the spirit of Mumsnet at all!

chipswitheveryting · 17/01/2023 05:06

So I am with a guy who was married to a narc for 14 years.

He got out 2 years ago, he didn't even know she was a narc till I pointed it out then everything fell into place for him.

I will say, it's a long road and she will try to tear you down for the rest of your life.

Absolutely divorce her, leave now if you haven't already. Get the kids 50/50 although she may try to stop this. She will certainly try to claim you hardly have them so she gets more child maintenance. Google tracks your movements so you can prove when you picked up or dropped off.

You need to provide a loving home for your kids so they always feel comfortable and happy with you. Then as they get older and see the contrast between homes, they can actually request to stay at one parents more than the others cafcass are involved in this.

The most important thing is that you reduce contact to her to bare minimim, provide a loving home for your kids and expect a long difficult path and for her to try to shaft you and bad mouth you at every opportunity.

Good luck, and always take the higher path and don't sink to her levels to retaliate.

And watch out because you might go from the frying pan to fire. I have had a physical abuser, a financial abuser and a coercive controller and they all operate differently so it's hard to spot.

mangoyumfbkjb · 17/01/2023 08:08

My ex is a narcissist.

Firstly, being a narcissist is not a crime, but when they start alienating your children to you then it is a concern. BUT this is what you are doing. You are forcing your children to choose you.
Do not say anything bad about their mother even if she says something bad about you. If you play that game, the children are the ones who suffer.

If you want a divorce, then do it...but leave the kids of the battlefield.
When you divorce a narc you need to be prepared for a long battle, their are no rules for a narc.

Be prepared for Narcs to claim that you abuse the children, that you were violent. etc.

The below is a must watch and I learnt a lot. Sam Vakin is a narc and he lets you into the mind of a narc. I've read many articles about how to do with narc but his postings, are spot on.

Taking the toys away from your kids for two weeks is cruel. I know someone who only let her chld open his birthday presents one day at a time.

Bowbellsx · 17/01/2023 08:37

i think to sound like a good caring dad Tom want to protect your kids it’s not just men who abuse in relationships trust me my mother is no 1 narc!