Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Left abusive husband - my brain is telling me to go back

18 replies

ItsFineImFine · 15/01/2023 21:25

Firstly, i just left my husband last week and I won’t be going back. It is much too dangerous and I know that. I also left for my children and wouldn’t ever put them at risk now I know he is abusive.

However despite this several times a day my brain goes “it wasn’t that bad”, “ you’ll be alone forever “, “ the kids need a father”, and I remember all the good times. I grew up in an abusive home and so I understand that I have a very broken perspective toward abusive people.

Whilst I absolutely won’t be going back, has this happened to anyone else? I’m actually angry at my own brain that it’s sending me these thoughts!

thank you

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 15/01/2023 21:29

The kids still have a father.
it was bad enough to turn your life upside down, and no one knows if you’ll be alone or not.
‘Keep moving forward. It’s the easy option to go backwards, go forward.

gemsandmilk · 15/01/2023 21:31

Yes, it has happened to me. I got the advice to just observe your inner voice, don’t try and make it go away, but don’t heed it either. Feel sorry for yourself that it isn’t telling you something more positive.

And well done for leaving. You’ve left against all your instincts, which have been hijacked by this crap. It means there’s a different voice in there too. Nurture it.

gemsandmilk · 15/01/2023 21:32

And as pp said, just keep putting one foot in front of the other away from him

Dery · 15/01/2023 21:36

What you describe is very common.

Abusers invade their victims’ thinking. (The book: In the Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser - How He Gets Into Her Head addresses this).

He has trained you for years to minimise and normalise his behaviour because that’s how he keeps you with him. So that’s his voice you’re hearing in your head. Not yours. It’s his voice in your head sending you these messages.

You’re traumatised and your mind and body will be sending you strange and distressed messages for a long time so be gentle on yourself and if you feel tempted to go back, seek support here and in real life to help you to stay away.

You’ve done extremely well to get away and you have a much better life ahead of you - you’re still just at the start of the journey to your better life but you’ll get there.

Borris · 15/01/2023 21:40

I did go back the first time (he was emotionally abusive bit physical so there was no physical danger to dd). Didn't work out and I left again 4 years later. Don't waste those 4 years like I did!

Borris · 15/01/2023 21:41

*not physical

Original poster
ItsFineImFine · 15/01/2023 22:55

What incredible advise thank you so much @Dery

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsFineImFine · 15/01/2023 22:56

Thank you@gemsandmilk ! This is great advice too.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsFineImFine · 15/01/2023 22:57

I’m so glad I’m not alone. I feel so so much better now I can name what’s going on !!

OP posts:
Bowbellsx · 15/01/2023 22:59

I’ve been split since before Christmas from my abusive ex and we have a daughter and when he says he won’t do it again and promises I know he won’t. He’s all I was used to he was my first love and despite the abuse we did have good times but I keep telling my self when I think about listening and going back no he just wants control

Original poster
ItsFineImFine · 15/01/2023 23:02

And thank you for the book recommendation!!

OP posts:
StellaGibson2022 · 15/01/2023 23:11

Can only echo what others have said - well done for moving forward and keep going!

Are you getting much emotional support from friends, family and GP?

From other threads on here there is also something called the Freedom Programme - have a google.

Good luck OP x

Original poster
ItsFineImFine · 16/01/2023 21:23

@Bowbellsx thank you for sharing and I’m sorry to hear about your situation. How are you feeling now?

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsFineImFine · 16/01/2023 21:24

@StellaGibson2022 im so lucky - friends are lovely, I am staying with one and was able to easily register at GP close by. I can afford therapy ( which I’m doing). Unfortunately I have no real family apart from my amazing sister who lives overseas ( she’s a phone call away).

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsFineImFine · 16/01/2023 21:25

Also @StellaGibson2022 thank you SO MUCH for the freedom program - I googled last night and couldn’t believe how accurate it is. I am very taken aback it’s so applicable to me. Thank you!!!

OP posts:
Bowbellsx · 16/01/2023 22:03

ItsFineImFine · 16/01/2023 21:23

@Bowbellsx thank you for sharing and I’m sorry to hear about your situation. How are you feeling now?

its still raw and I do think about him but I’m enjoying not having to tread on egg shells for when hel next go though my phone or stop me from going out little bits of the old me are coming back that man gas lit me so fucking hard

Leomii81 · 16/01/2023 22:44

Sorry you're going through this. Was he physically abusive what sort of things did he do op. At least your safe now

AdoraBell · 16/01/2023 22:52

Yes, me. Also my sister. After my parents divorced due to my late father’s abuse she let him live in her flat 🤦‍♀️

Every time your brain says I should go back you should verbally say No

New posts on this thread. Refresh page