Need to manage my expectations, I know I’m being unreasonable!

[StressBall2]

My DP is a wonderful man, he is kind, loving and affectionate.

But, we have very different love languages, mine are gifts/acts of service and his is quality time….. and I’m really struggling to manage my expectations. I know this is really bad of me so I’m expecting a slating, I just want some advice on how to manage it best, but just some examples:

I’ve been struggling money wise (waiting for some money back that was stolen). He noticed my make up was running out, and he said not to worry about it because he had a day planned for me. I thought aww we’re going to go shopping (not expecting him to pay by any means) but instead he had just planned a day in to help de stress me. I know it sounds very selfish and spoilt but I would’ve done the former for him, so I struggle to see how other peoples minds work if that makes sense.

Another thing is he will always be very practical and help me out with things rather than just simply giving me a hug and telling me everything will be okay. Sometimes I feel I just need someone to listen but he will just want to solve the problem and not be overly affectionate if that makes sense.

Now I already know full well I’m being unreasonable. But I just need to know how to manage my unrealistic expectations. We’ve had a chat about love languages and he’s so understanding but also tells me his brain works very differently to mine and things that make him feel loved are very different to mine.

Can somebody help me?

Another thing is he will always be very practical and help me out with things rather than just simply giving me a hug and telling me everything will be okay.

So, your love language isn’t acts of service, then? It’s words of affirmation. I can see why your DP is confused, you’re not being very clear.

Your expectations are only unrealistic because you are unclear on what you want/need and thus are unable to communicate this to him. So work on that.

Maybe stop getting frustrated that he's doing the wrong nice thing & concentrate on the nice thing he did?

I'd suggest using your love language knowledge, not as a training tool for him, but for yourself, so you can appreciate how he shows love to you.

Also, yes, I'd be confused if I was told deeds speak louder than quality time, then provided practical help & that was wrong too...

This

I don't see love languages as being there for partners to copy yours. I see the languages as learning to accept theirs.

I'm words of affirmation, dh is acts of service/quality time. So instead of expecting him to use his words as i would, I accept him bringing me a morning coffee in bed as him telling me he loves me and thinks I'm fabulous.

But clear communication of what you want is essential. If you don't want him to suggest solutions to your problems and want a hug instead, TELL him. "I want to vent, have you nod along and give me a hug at the end."

You don't have to understand other people's minds work, you just have to stop expecting them to work like yours.

It sounds like you were expecting him to pay for new make up- what would be the point of going shopping if you don’t have the money for it and he isn’t going to pay either?

Anyway, it sounds like you need to communicate better with each other and don’t rely on him for all your emotional support - your husband can’t and shouldn’t be everything to you

Don’t get too hung up all this love language nonsense.

Ask if he”ll lend you some money to tide you over. Then buy your makeup

And tell him you’d like more hugs occasionally.

Just be more direct x

What Smiley said.

Love languages are a load of shite - not that there isn't something in the concept, but I need varying responses depending on what's happening - sometimes physical touch, sometimes affirmation - and I suspect you are similar, given the contradictions in your post.

Talk to him. Tell him that what he did was lovely, and what you'd really like is ... (replacing make-up or whatever).

So you wanted him to take you out shopping for makeup but not actually pay for the makeup, even though you can’t afford the makeup yourself? What a bloody waste of time that would have been! 😂 I think your fella sounds great. I mean he noticed you were running out of makeup fgs. I mean, unless the bloke uses it himself, not many guys would be attentive enough to notice something like that!

So what happened? He didn't take you shopping? Where did you go? Did you expect him to buy your makeup? You sound really hard work!!

You say in first sentence he is very affectionate. Then he doesn't give you hugs?

He probably thought a day in so you didn't need leave the house make up on. Which could be seen as an act of service

Think you just need to relax, enjoy your partner for who they actually are, stop expecting them to perform exactly how you want them to, which differs by the way, when you want them to. As he can't read your mind either.

Sort out your own practical problems and get emotional support from your friends as well as him.

You sound like hard work. So just relax and stop trying to be an armchair psychologist over stuff you read on social. Many relationships thrive without awareness of love language. I tried a love language test on the H, the look of incomprehension was totally worth the 10 minutes of multichoice question pain. It changed nothing and I've forgotten which ones we were now.

So you don't want him to do nice things for you and treat you well, you want him to buy you stuff. I'll have him-I can buy my own stuff!!

Me and my DH have completely different interpretations of a caring partner. The house could be falling down around us and I would still want a cuddle on the sofa and for him to spend some downtime with me! He on the other hand will work for hours and hours to get the house right etc etc and I’m less bothered about chores etc.

it would be easy for me to grumble about lack of affection and time and him to grumble about me being less engaged in tasks however we both lean into it. I follow his lead on doing tasks because that means we get more done but he follows my lead on when to stop, have some downtime together. For example, we are currently decorating the house, he got us up and starting a long list of jobs but I called time on the jobs list at a reasonable time and made us sit and have dinner together and watch an hour of TV to relax before bed, whereas he would have
worked right up til bedtime.

We both lean into the things that make the other a good partner- this means recognising his way of showing affection as a strong contribution but also listening to the other person when they say- my way needs a bit of investment now too.

regards the make up thing- I’ve been in this position and I don’t think it’s one to be subtle about. I think you need to say, I’m very short on cash, I can’t afford the make up and explains how this makes you feel (it would be a huge deal for me!). If he’s more comfortably off than you he may offer.

Whilst we all depend on our partners you have to help yourself first. You can't expect him to be emotionally in tune with you. But you should be able to rely on him so if you need money than ask for some. Same if you really want to talk about something than say that's what you need.

I don't really buy into the love languages theory because I know I (and assume others) need different things from my husband at different times, so there's no one way for me to feel or show love.

However one thing we did work out early on was the vent/action thing; whenever either one of us comes to the other with a problem, you let the other person get it all off their chest, sympathise with them and then ask them 'do you want me just to listen or can I help?'
I know it might seem a bit unsubtle but you wouldn't believe how well it works. So many arguments that just don't happen, no feelings of resentment, and we both talk to each other a lot more because we know we can stop the other person solutionising if all we wanted was a vent.

Practice gratitude

I find that the best thing to do in relasionships is to give what you want in return. If you would like more hugs and kissess, you go and hug and kiss your partner. If you would like him to take you shopping, ask him to go shopping with you. Our partners are not mind readers.

I don’t know what a “day in to de stress”entails but I must admit I’d be non plussed if my dp made an announcement that he had something great planned for me and it turned out to be a Sunday not doing anything or going anywhere

Agree with pps; don’t be so prescriptive about the love languages thing. It’s hardly an exact science and nobody fits neatly into labelled boxes.

Communicate what you need.

Having different love languages is sometimes just a way of expressing incompatibility. If you had different verbal languages and couldn't understand each other enough you'd likely give up rather than learn a new language, and try to meet someone you could actually understand. Don't use 'love language' to excuse basic failings in your relationship. If you want emotional support, not practical help, tell him. If you're not getting what you want, tell him. If he doesn't respond with respect to your feelings, he's not the guy for you.

FWIW I can tell you from experience, men are practical and problem solvers. They want to fix things, when all too often women want to vent, a sympathetic ear and just have someone listen to their woes and moans. I've been in a similar situation and luckily my DP and I were able to discuss our different approaches and recognise what each other needed during these times. I'm fortunate now that DP knows to listen first and then offer the practical advice second. Good luck xx

Surely you were expecting him to pay for your make up otherwise what would be the point in going shopping when you have no money?

It’s fairly obvious op meant that she doesn’t expect her partner to buy her make up but hoped that was what he was offering after their conversation?

Her: ”So annoyed I can’t replace my make up until the bank refunds my money”

Him; Yes I noticed you haven’t been wearing any, don’t worry I have a treat planned for you tomorrow!

The day comes and they end up doing nothing.

With such different love languages, I think making assumptions about what the other person means is a bad idea for both of you. Does DP ever express any frustrations with yours OP, or is it just you that struggles with his?

I don't put any weight on so called 'love languages', for the same reason as pp - my needs vary at different times of life / in different circumstances / different moods.

And your interpretation is confusing, as you said he's great at acts of service.

It sounds like he's a decent person just trying to help. If you're unhappy with how he goes about that, talk to him. Be direct (and kind!) and tell him what makes you unhappy. Allow him to do the same for you of course.

Don't expect to change him, in the same way you shouldn't change who you are for him. You can either accept each others' ways (or make changes you're both happy with, for mutual benefit) or decide you aren't compatible and part ways.

I think you either have to be direct about what you want or you need to be with someone who matches your expectations.

You wanted a day shopping - then say hey I’d love to go and get some make up, please come with me and we’ll make a nice day of it, then next weekend let’s have a lovely relaxing day to de stress… etc

Your partner sounds nice and there’s nothing wrong with the way he expresses himself, if you are not being clear about your needs you can hardly expect him to change his whole disposition to try and guess at being the person you want.

For example I hate gift buying, it really doesn’t mean anything to me when someone gives me a “thoughtful” gift. Don’t get me wrong I’m always grateful and pleased but I’m also got not arsed at all if they didn’t. Now if they sat and had a cup of tea and chatted shit with me for a couple of hours - I’d be over the moon.

However I’m really clear with my partner - I’ll buy you anything you want but please don’t expect me to trawl shops and guessing at it.