Ex taking me to court because 13 yr old doesn’t want frequent access

[Crunchingleaf]

I actually can’t believe I am in this situation. Tomorrow I am 37 weeks pregnant and received a letter in post a couple days ago with a court date for tomorrow. I got a solicitor in a huge hurry and tbh I am not happy with them. She wants me to agree to everything Ex is looking for.

Backstory is that Ex had EOW access. DS has always been stressed and anxious about theses visits and on several occasions he comes back in quite a stressed state. It takes me time to get him calm again. In early days DS couldn’t verbalise his feelings, however as he has gotten older he has been able to label these feelings. I have tried over the years to speak to Ex about DS finding these visits stressful, but he says DS loves it there and I am talking rubbish. Yet there are occasions when he turns up outside the house to collect DS and DS won’t go. I tell him DS won’t go, but he doesn’t believe me and if DS tells him he doesn’t want to go he tries to guilt him into it. DS has been going to see him once a month since he turned 13. He arranged a visit recently, however had the flu and was too unwell to go. Ex didn’t believe either me or DS that DS was unwell. This appears to be trigger for this legal action.

I had a talk to DS this week about what is going on with him and his dad and he told me he is afraid of his dad. DS thinks it’s because of how much shouting he remembers when he was a child. (It was an abusive relationship). This conversation makes me believe that DS is now at stage where he needs counselling to deal with what happened. To be perfectly clear I have never used the word abuse or anything similar talking to DS. In fact we rarely talk about the past. I have always taken the stance to DS that me and Ex just weren’t a good match and it was best for everyone involved to split. I thought it was most child friendly way of explaining things to DS. DS is entitled to access with his father and a relationship with him.

I agreed to a visit of a couple hours over weekend and DS has again been completely out of sorts he even came into my bed this morning for a cuddle which he hasn’t done in so long. New art supplies bought today as he prefers that over talking.

I want to do right by DS and with counselling and time to process the past it will be easier to build a relationship with his dad. I have to consider DS mental and emotional wellbeing so I am struggling with being told that DS must go to his father. How do I even make him go? Ex doesn’t believe me and if DS tells him then that is considered to be bad by solicitor.

I have always watched what I say about Ex and to Ex because the relationship between DS and his dad has been so poor I knew that the day would come where it would become increasingly difficult to talk DS into access and that Ex wouldn’t stand for it.

I am so worried about tomorrow as my doctors advice is not to go to court. I am not in UK and it’s highly unusual to take a case over a child this age because it’s typically accepted that a teenager gets the final say. My solicitor tells me that he could ask for every weekend access tomorrow and get it from the judge.

Am I doing right thing pushing back against Ex here?

I would ask them how you are meant to physically force a 13yo male to go with a person they are saying they don't want to go with.

See what they say to that.

In the uk they would take the child's opinion into account at this age.

@Crunchingleaf
I think - based that you have only received a notice of a couple of days - I’d show up at the court either with a solicitor that says we need a continuance to prepare our side- or without one saying you are representing youself and asking for more time as you have NOT been given any time to prepare.
I am guessing in most countries you’d have to have been informed with a lot more notice. You can’t be coerced to be represented properly on such short notice.

Secondly - I’d demand that social services get involved and actually listen to your child’s side. He is a teenagers and in most jurisdictions - how opinion matters more than his father would at this stage.

You ex is playing games with delayed timing of notice. Don’t let him - you need to protect you child.

That’s sounds to me like the solicitor wants it easy!

You are absolutely doing the right thing here and I’ve been in a similar position.

Your son is old enough to have his voice heard and his wishes and feelings taken into account.

Id go through court. Fight for what is best for your son.

Would teen agree to something shorter, like just lunch? I imagine the idea of going a whole weekend is overwhelming. If it was just 2 hours to start over again, to see how things go.

My ex threatened court I said fine I will absolutely go to court and ask how I'm supposed to get a 14 year old put my house when he is physically bigger and stronger than me collect him from school yourself....ds got the bus so I said meet him at the bus stop he refused so 🤷‍♀️

Hopefully you get a judge who is reasonable and realises at 13 there isn't a lot a parent can do

I’d sack your solicitor. What’s the point of her? Why on earth does she think your ex would get every weekend if in the country you’re in it’s unusual for child custody/visitation/residence/contact cases to even be heard about children in their teens, since the teens should get a say in what happens.

In family court in the UK, this will just be a hearing to get both sides of the story. He's probably told the court you're withholding access. I wouldn't worry about it. Courts usually accept that once a child turns 12 they can vote with their feet. If you make it clear you're not withholding access they may ask to speak to your son.

And I suspect they'll have the measure of your ex before you even get to the courtroom as he'll be blaming you for all sorts. Courts don't like it when parents badmouth each other as it's not in the best interests of the child. This seems to be something you've realised anyway as despite DV youve never said that to your son.
You'll be OK, don't worry.

I wouldn’t agree to the solicitors suggestions. If that’s what they are going to argue in court I’d represent myself and say the child doesn’t want to go. Here in the U.K. at 13 his wishes would be taken into account. Unbelievable he’s taking you to court for access to a 13yr old

Thanks all. I can’t believe this is happening at DS age. I am requesting an adjournment until 6 weeks after baby is born and my solicitor was pushing me to reinstate the EOW and then came back saying Ex wants midweek access restored….there was never any midweek access.
I spent all day Friday looking for a replacement solicitor. It is obviously too late for Monday but I need someone to listen to me when I say DS needs are more important then Exs wants.

I thought I had moved on from my past and I am finding that it’s all coming back to me. I have to stay strong for DS as I don't want him to worry. It’s been such a tough couple of days.

He’s still abusing you. Forcing a heavily pregnant woman to court is abusive behaviour.

Good luck OP. Clearly you are a strong person to have got away from this man and to be resisting both him and your shit solicitor. I would tell your solicitor very clearly (in writing perhaps so it isn’t an argument): “My ex husband is an abusive person who abused me when I was with him and who now frightens my child. I have hired you to resist my ex-husbands attempts to use the court as a tool to terrorise my child (and indeed myself). If all you can do is advocate for my husband and suggest I give in to all of his demands, then we have a problem. Are you able to advise on how best to resist his demands?”

Or something politer.

Keep looking for a better lawyer. Good luck. You can do this.

First change your solicitor

I cannot believe the ridiculousness of your solicitor's advice it's like he/she is working for exh not you.

Can you get your son an advocate, who is independent and will speak for him impartially? The National Youth Advocacy Service is one charity that works with young people. Ultimately, at 13 your son should be allowed to choose the nature of his contact with his dad.

So I have changed solicitors, meeting tomorrow so we can sort out as much as possible before I have baby, but it’s going to be a long process and by the time it ends any order will be unenforceable. Every solicitor I spoke to in my search for a replacement confirmed the same thing. All of them said that if the father was their client he would be told that no matter what outcome is that he is basically wasting his time, hence why a case like this is so rare.

There is going to be a report performed by a neutral person to see what DS wants. On one hand I am glad DS will have a voice in all this, but there is the worry that DS isn’t ready to deal with the past trauma plus I am scared of escalation if Ex doesn’t like the outcome.

I am haunted by the fact that DS was a witness to domestic abuse and therefore is a victim of it himself. I had somehow buried the shame and guilt that I didn’t protect DS. When DS is ready I have to own my role in all this. It is most likely that the only apology and validation of DS experience will come from me.

It’s a brutal realisation how much of a failure I am to DS. I love him so much and he is a truly wonderful kid. He has seen his father a couple of times since and has become clingy and has trouble sleeping.

@Thesonglastslonger it feels exactly like the abuse felt in the past. I never liked the word triggered but it is exactly the right word to describe my headspace now.

It’s a brutal realisation how much of a failure I am to DS.

This isn't even slightly true. I know we only have a few posts to go it but it's abundantly clear that you love him to bits and want to do right by him. You're a fantastic mother.

Your solicitor is the problem here and you're doing exactly the right thing by aiming to postpone court until you find a good one. The chances of your ex being granted extra access - particularly EVERY weekend - in these circumstances are as close to zero as you can get.