Advice needed

[user1471552719]

I want to leave my husband, we have been unhappy for a long time. I feel misunderstood and sad. We have 2 children.

When I have told my husband I want to separate, he has twice said he won't co-operate on how we deal with, and tell the children. He has actually stated he will put his own needs first.

I don't know what to do.

Anyone around who has been in a similar situation? Feeling lost and looking for a bit of support.

Take a leaf out of his book - put yourself first.

Good on you for deciding to leave. And his reaction to it btw, shows you exactly why leaving him is absolutely the right thing to do.

He is a horrible person.
And sure, he probably won't make leaving him a walk in the park. He's said as much.

But if the alternative is wasting your life next to someone who hates you and raising your children in that environment, think that shit is normal.... seriously, get away.

See a solicitor regarding next steps. Let your husband think you dropped the idea for now, whilst seeking advice. Start getting your ducks in order. Move your important documents somewhere safe, where he can't access them. Get proof of his income too.

Your shit husband always puts himself first, I'm sure. Divorcing him won't change anything. Ignore his bullshit and get rid of him.

And make sure to have your own bank account and put any of your share of the joint account money in that asap (incase he empties it)

As for the kids, you need to tell them first before he controls the narrative.

Sit them down while he is out and tell them you love them 'but mummy and daddy are no longer happy together so we are each going to have our in house from now on. Which means you might have two gardens! And 2 bedrooms each! And maybe we can get that cat we've always wanted'.

It's not a big deal unless you make it one for them. Especially if they are young.

I would get your ducks in a row - see a solicitor, work out how you can move out and tell him when everything is sorted and you’re ready to leave so that he doesn’t have much choice. You decide what and when you tell the children.
You can’t control what he does but you can control how you react to it

Thanks for your replies.

I have adhd, and my husband blames everything on this. Quoting books and stats and blaming everything on me. I suggested counselling but he says he wants to join a support group for adhd partners. I feel like he is using this to abuse me. He communicates poorly, is very domineering and critical and has been cruel. Sure, it's not been a walk in the park with my adhd, but I have worked hard on my emotional regulation and to understand myself.

I have a good job and 2 lovely girls but I feel lonely and isolated. Last time we argued he said he hated me and I was a horrible person.

The future seems very scary.

Also, I don't want to move out. With help from my parents I can stay in our home and buy him out. But I don't think he will leave easily.

My husband was like this...:: I left and he literally looked after himself. 12 years on.... he doesn't really see the children and if I say anything he will say.... this was my choice.

Madness that he still hasn't got over it.

The future seems very scary.

Staying with him for the rest of your life must seem scarier surely. You don't need him, and that's the truth.

No, I don't need him, I have worked hard to realise that.

Is the house split between you money wise?

Quickest way to be free of him (assuming he wont leave) would be to sell up and move. Even if it means a smaller home or renting for a while, at least that way you know he doesn't have access to the new home and you can make a fresh start. Know u said you didn't want to move, but, consider it.

He's an abusive shit. I'd stop having conversations with him. Also, if he refuses to leave, don't do any of his washing or cooking. And sleep in a separate room. Even if it means a sofa in the girls room.

We are married and have a joint mortgage so I would assume it's split equally between us. I have invested more into the home from a previous property and inheritance, but this was in improvements (which we have just finished).