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Original poster

Did you ever manage to get the trust back?

20 replies

Ohnohohoho · 15/01/2023 16:45

Did you ever manage to get the trust back after a betrayal? And if you took them back, were you always looking over your shoulder, or were you able to mostly move on? Did counselling help you/the relationship?

(My situation - 30s child free, married over a decade, possible cheating on his part, definite complex manipulation over my body image and putting me down. Giving up years of history and shared interests)

OP posts:
EccentricElizabeth · 15/01/2023 16:48

No, I wasn’t interested in working on trust that had been smashed to smithereens. I’d always believed that I’d walk away without a second glance and I did. Appreciate that people deal with things differently but that’s my perspective.

Alcemeg · 15/01/2023 16:49

30s child free, married over a decade, possible cheating on his part, definite complex manipulation over my body image and putting me down

Regardless of betrayal (true/false), why would you want to be with someone you're certain deliberately undermines you?

ChimChimeny · 15/01/2023 16:50

definite complex manipulation over my body image and putting me down

Cheating aside you shouldn't have to put up Witt this. No kids so easier to separate than if there were.

Why don't you believe you deserve more than this? Because I'm pretty sure you do Flowers

Original poster
Ohnohohoho · 15/01/2023 16:54

@Alcemeg @ChimChimeny Bless you both. I'm starting to work on my self worth again, but it's a long journey ahead.

He's had some issues and hasn't got help for them quickly enough. He is suggesting he is remorseful and adamant he wants to be with me.

I can't imagine trusting him or being with him physically again now. The thought makes me feel ill. But I'm aware I'm hurting very badly. I'm curious how people feel further down the line.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 15/01/2023 17:03

Why would you try though? You feel ill at the thought of being physical. He's broken your trust. Put you down. You've no kids tying you to him. A virtual stranger would be a better bet

Apairofsparklingeyes · 15/01/2023 17:09

Why do you want to stay with someone who cheats and is nasty to you?

Alcemeg · 15/01/2023 17:10

I'm starting to work on my self worth again, but it's a long journey ahead
The journey gets even longer and more exhausting if someone keeps kicking your feet out from under you!

Try being on your own...?

Original poster
Ohnohohoho · 15/01/2023 17:11

He's in front of me, upset, telling me he wants to be with me and he's going to change. He is having therapy.

The love doesn't just go overnight. I care.

I don't think my mind will change, but I don't want to make the wrong decision.

OP posts:
Angela59 · 15/01/2023 17:13

Leave or you won’t like the person you become.

Alcemeg · 15/01/2023 17:15

I don't think my mind will change, but I don't want to make the wrong decision.
Those two halves don't fit together, OP. It would be interesting for you to unpick what you mean by a "wrong decision" and whose eyes it would be wrong in.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 15/01/2023 17:16

Why did he wait until he faced losing you to talk about getting help for his issues? (It’s because he’s saying anything to get you to stay)

Stop listening to his excuses. He betrayed you and is unkind to you - there’s no good reason for you to stay married to him. Also, he sounds the type to become very angry when you don’t change your mind.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/01/2023 17:23

EccentricElizabeth · 15/01/2023 16:48

No, I wasn’t interested in working on trust that had been smashed to smithereens. I’d always believed that I’d walk away without a second glance and I did. Appreciate that people deal with things differently but that’s my perspective.

Same. Why spend god knows how many years exhausting yourself trying to rebuild trust he shouldn’t have broken in the first place. Nope. I had been knocking my pan in trying to make it work, but the minute I found he cheated, it was over.

elfd · 15/01/2023 18:03

Here I am 23 years down the line....
My then boyfriend now husband cheated on me after 3yrs. I can honestly say I have 100% never gotten over it. It was the betrayal, secrets and lack of respect for me that hurt so badly and still do. Looking back I should of walked away. I was very young and so was he but it was a sign of things to come, as far as I know he's not cheated since but the disrespect has remained and chewed me up and spat me out. Don't waste yourself on someone who is capable of treating you so badly.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 15/01/2023 18:05

You don't have DC so don't waste your energy or effort on him.

Go and live a wonderful single life and when you are ready look for someone who isn't a lying manipulative shit.

Bengal12 · 15/01/2023 18:16

I stayed on after finding out about my ex using massage parlours. I was hoping things would get better and on paper yhey did. He did everything possible to regain my trust but after several years I realised I would never trust him and, most importantly, I didn’t give a damn about what he was up to. And that’s when I left and must say I have lived happily ever after .
my advice: process your emotions, make him pay for what he did and for the counselling (go, even if you don’t think you need it) as well as a nice spa weekend and then let him fly😀

PixelatedLunchbox · 15/01/2023 18:19

elfd · 15/01/2023 18:03

Here I am 23 years down the line....
My then boyfriend now husband cheated on me after 3yrs. I can honestly say I have 100% never gotten over it. It was the betrayal, secrets and lack of respect for me that hurt so badly and still do. Looking back I should of walked away. I was very young and so was he but it was a sign of things to come, as far as I know he's not cheated since but the disrespect has remained and chewed me up and spat me out. Don't waste yourself on someone who is capable of treating you so badly.

This, 100%.

Original poster
Ohnohohoho · 15/01/2023 21:29

Thank you all. I've found this enormously helpful.

I think I need to trust my gut here.

OP posts:
Canabelievethis · 16/01/2023 00:18

PixelatedLunchbox · 15/01/2023 18:19

This, 100%.

Show quote history

I'll second that! The relationship is never the same. Go with your gut OP, not his crocodile tears.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/01/2023 00:48

There are betrayals other than cheating

but no sadly for me I can’t forgive
you try to and you want to

but it’s always there and it’s comes up lo the time

MMmomDD · 16/01/2023 01:04

I think you relationship has run it’s course.
i don’t think it’s about getting trust back - from a possible cheating. On that - he may be is guilty, or maybe you are delusional.

But given that you have a lot of resentment and can’t imagine being with him again - I think you need to pull yourself out.
This relationship became toxic for the two of you. And you shouldn’t stay in it out of habit and because of your history.

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